you know, life is hard. but it is only as miserable as you make it. i've decided to start living my life with no regrets, i'm back to who i was before justin crushed my heart. i know i am who i'm suppose to be and i don't need a damn man to make me that way. all that they do is get in the way of my dreams and slow me down from what i'm becoming. sounds cruel doesn't it? i'm not saying this to be mean or to get back at anybody. i'm not better because of josh, or justin. maybe a little bit resentful, but i'm over it. i don't NEED that, i don't NEED a boy in my life to make me feel loved and wanted. my friends and my family make me feel like the most wonderful person in the whole world. and i enjoy being there for them and doing things for them and with them and making them happy and making them laugh. because i'm the person everyone can come to when they have a problem. i'm the person everyone can come to when they just need to talk or just simply need a shoulder to cry on. i'm the person who can be the best friend in the world. and when i'm with someone, they take away from that. even if they aren't making me try to please them, that is all i want to do because i love them and i want them to be happy with me. and it always turns out that i try so hard to make them happy, they end up stopping trying for me. and they let me go. and i'm better than that, the people who truly love me and want me in their lives with never let me go. and i don't want to be with someone who doesn't give a shit whether they see me, or whether i'm happy. as a matter of fact i don't need them at all. i don't need them in my life, and i don't want them in my life. i'm completely content with being single, and i have found happiness here. sure, i get lonely and sometimes i want to get laid. but honestly, i haven't found a single person who is as good in bed as justin was, so that is kind of out of the picture too. i can't enjoy it, so i don't need that either. and i've kind of realized that the only person i can REALLY TRULY depend on to make my life worth while and to make me into who i want to be, is myself. i don't ask for too much in this life, i deal with what i'm givin and that isn't usually as much as everyone else. but fuck it, i'm not going to let that get me down. i'm not going to let this stupid broken heart control my happiness, broken hearts are for assholes. i'm figuring out who i am, and i'm attempting to figure out who i want to be, and a relationship is just going to get in the way of that. i'm not trying to be a man-hater or some kind of crazy ass feminist, i'm trying to be me. and the person that i am, has found true happiness in being single. i am in love with my life and i don't need a boy to complete that. all that i need is my friends my family and some serious confidence and self-esteem to help me survive in this cruel world. fuck the haters =) i'm doing what i need to do to make me into the person that i want to be, and nobody is ganna stop me!

love's a game of easy come and easy go

today was an interesting day, to say the least. i had to be into work early because pam has this flesh eating rash and that went pretty smooth. but then after work i didn't take my usual nap and during both of my classes i fell asleep. so i took the most amazing nap ever, heading back to work. where i got a call from one of the kid's mothers that there was some psycho right behind my apartment building like...holding himself hostage and threatening to blow up his house and shoot any one that entered. that freaked me out. so i called kim and pam lol...i miss pam though. it's weird not having her there, but i feel bad for her because i guess her eyes are swelling now. i hope the doctors that she is going to see in iowa city tomorrow can figure it out =/ i really like her. it's kind of ridiculous actually. i get excited to go to work..to see her?? idk it's weird to explain and no matter how i say it, it makes me sound creepy weird. but we get along really well, and i feel like we are a lot alike. and if the circumstances were different, and she wasn't my boss, we could probably be really good friends. i'm weird i know. but anyways...i had a fucking anxiety attack today. and the cigarettes didn't even help. it was bad! i was all shaky and one edge. i hate that shit, i haven't felt like that forever.

i just wanted to say that i really appreciate and am thankful for all my friends, and especially my family. my dad and step-mom just helped me get a new car because the silver bullet died. my mom, she's just awesome, one of the greatest friends i could ever ask for. then there's jess, who gets me completely. even though i don't really get her right now. but its ok. and catherine and anna...who are the best roomates ever. and then there is shawna, who is pretty much my soulmate. i'm so sick of being lonely and sad because i don't justin anymore. and it is really awesome to have all these people surrounding me and loving me. as much as i want a boy, i shouldn't because i have all the love i could ever need =)

well it's thanksgiving, a day to celebrate all you are thankful for. and while i am thankful for alot...my health, my friends, my family. I am feeling very lonely. This is the first thanksgiving in over two years that i haven't had a boyfriend. and while i was at my grandparents, i seriously had nothing to do. everyone else has their little families, their kids, their husbands or wives. and i have nothing. i can't even go see my friends over the weekend because my car is at the shop, and it is starting to feel like they won't waste their time coming to see me. i just don't know what to do with myself. i have been sleeping, a lot. and that's about all i can do because when i'm sleeping that is the only time i don't have to think about my life, and how pathetic it is turning out to be. i wish i wasn't alone right now...but my computer is going to die.

happy freakin thanksgiving.

i have decided i'm going to be okay. it's a good feeling really...because justin turned out to be a jerk just like the rest of them. so, i'm over it. i have my friend and family and that's all i need. they won't ever leave me, and if they do...well then fuck them too =) i've realized that nobody in this life matters more than me. i don't mean in a selfish way..i just mean, that i have to watch out for me and i have to watch my own back. because my life and my happiness matters to ME! and for now, i'm going to feed into that happiness as much as i can because it really isn't worth the heartbreak. nothing is, and i'm done crying over him and i'm done crying over being lonely. i'm stronger and better than that. i gave him one day of my tears, and that's all he gets. i guess i don't really have much to say...

thank god for friends and family.

love love love.

justin and i broke up. i had every right to be freaking out like i was...i'm not stupid. he's a pussy, i doubt he ever loved me like he said he did because if he did things wouldn't have ended the way they did. i'm getting over him, it's hard. but i've done it before, and i'm ok. soooo...time to get drunk?! yes please.

i honestly can say i feel like everything is falling apart. justin told me before this weekend that we need to spend more time with our friends and our family...?? ok, that'd be cool if we were spending a lot of time together but we're not! i only get to see him for like..one hour on wednesdays and maybe one day during the weekend. and now that is fucking gone. i feel like he is pushing me away...he isn't saying all the cute stuff like he used to say..like that he misses me or he needs me. he barely even tells me he loves me! i was really hoping that is was never going to be like this...you know, i fucking gave him everything really fast because i completely trusted him with it because i didn't think we were ever going to drift apart. but here it is...that is exactly what is happening. we are fucking drifting apart and he is LETTING IT HAPPEN. god..i can't blame him for wanting to spend time with his brother, i mean he hasn't been able to hang out with him for 3 years...but...really? he has to cut me off completely? not to mention his stupid fucking job that keeps him so damn late. i planned on seeing him tonight, it's all ive been looking forward to since wednesday because wednesday was weird and we got into a little bit of an argument because he said he doesn't know if he can give me just one day for me and him. this all fucking sucks...i just want him soooo bad, i want to know its ok. i want to know that he isn't actually pushing me away, that it's just a thing he's going through...we're going through. i want to know that he is still in love with me...but i'm not going to know until who knows when bc he isn't able to text me and the only times he's off work he is sleeping. and i just wanna scream and cry and go to his fucking job and punch his goddamn boss in the fucking face! i can't handle this..i have SO MUCH on plate, and it is such bad fucking timing for this to be happening because i'm so stressed from school i'm an emotional wreck anyways.


this is exactly what happened in my last relationship...and the one before that. three months in and BAM it all goes to shit. i just want him so bad...so fucking bad i could die. it's stupid because i shouldn't need him that much...but i thought it was ok to put my whole heart into this because he did too, and he said he needed me too. and I FUCKING MISS HIM!

you know, it's not very often you find something like this. in anyone...it is ridiculous how afraid i am of this. but then again at the same time i am so ready. i'm ready to be committed, i'm ready to know what forever feels like. honestly, i feel like i've been with justin for forever and i day. but it's only been a couple months, and i've only known him for three months! can you know who you want to be with for the rest of your life in 3 months? is that physically and psychologically possible? i have no idea...i don't know how this is going to turn out, i don't even know if it is going to work out. but i believe it will. there has been nothing that would even give me the slightest inclining that i wouldn't want to be with him. he listens, he says communication is a BIG thing for him. what guy says that?! i'm used to the guys who never tell me how they feel, or what they are doing, or what is even going on. i'm used to those guys who want me to be around, but don't really want me to be "there". i'm used to those guys who expect me to be the perfect girlfriend. news flash..nobody is perfect. and i'm starting to think that justin and i really do love each other enough to except those imperfections. or at least be able to talk about them and come to terms with them. it's so awesome, if i have a problem i can literally tell him and not be afraid that he is going to leave me. it is amazing, the most amazing feeling ever actually. like i've been able to tell my mom everything, and jessie and chelsea...but never a boyfriend. i've always tried to make myself better and hide my flaws so i won't scare them away. but the more justin gets to know me...i feel like the more he loves me and embraces who i am. now..idk if that is true, but that is what i feel. and the same goes for him...there is nothing i have seen or have found out about him that i do not absolutely love. even if it isn't perfect, it's not scary. i'm not SCARED of him. i'm not scared of him hurting me, i'm not scared of him leaving me. i have never felt this before. i think the only way he would ever stop loving me would be if i cheated on him. which i will never ever do, i'm just not that type of person and from what he says neither is he. and i totally believe him. he is VERY into me, and i cling onto his every word. which may be good or bad, i do not know. all that i know is that i want to know more of him...i want to embrace and love everything about him. i'm ready for this relationship to last, i am ready to be with him forever and i know we could make it work and i want to make it work because if he is being his true self right now...i could certainly love him forever. now, i do have to admit i am a little afraid of him changing because that has happened before. it is all fun and special and sweet...and then BAM three months into it they decide that they've roped me in and they don't have to try anymore, that no matter what they do i'm stuck with them. and i know now, sure as shit, that i don't have to stay with them...i can leave whenever i want. i have that power because i am human too, afterall. i don't know why it took me one really bad relationship to figure that out, but i'm sure glad i did because i can live life now and i can love myself and i can love others. i don't feel like i want to die anymore, i don't feel worthless. i mean, i still have my fallbacks...but they aren't near as bad, and nobody is perfect. which is why this relationship has been able to work for me also, i don't have those high love story expectations anymore. i don't lie to myself and tell myself that it is going to work out exactly how i want it to. i just let things happen as they come, and so far it has worked out beautifully for me because i'm HAPPY. yeah, that's right i said it...HAPPY! so that fucker who made me feel like i wanted to die and i wasn't worth anything can FUCK OFF! and i'm over it, totally over it. i have found somebody who can be himself and whom i can be myself around, whom i trust...somebody who won't make up excuses, somebody who will tell me how they feel, somebody who can kiss me and make things better, somebody who wants to know how i work...i have found that all around relationship that i have always looked for. and the best part is...i don't have to try! i don't have to force him to be a person, i don't have to dig to see what his true feelings are. and i truly believe he would do anything for me, and you know what? i would do anything for him because i love him with my whole heart, maybe even more. and i pray and i wish and i hope and i DREAM, that justin and i stay like we are, that nothing changes, that he keeps being the awesome man i met and fell in love with. because...i love him enough to know that if he broke up i would be completely crushed and i would never stop loving him, no matter what.

i found this postsecret yesterday and it says, "knowing that there is one, just one,person with your personality and vibrance out in the world, makes me feel completely optimistic and happy about living in it." whoever sent it in has a beautiful mind, and knows exactly how i feel about the people i love.

so for the record, i love JUSTIN DAVID WOODWARD! and i never ever want to love anyone else, because as it stands...he is making me believe in fate more and more everyday.

you are the only exception

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
Paramore The Only Exception lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/paramore-the-only-exception-lyrics.html

I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Ohh---

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

i can honestly say i love him more than anything. i do. there are no doubts about this one...i've been looking for every excuse and nope notta. its wonderful, albeit not perfect...it's exactly what i've always wanted. can we please keep it that way?

cowgirls don't cry.

these late nights waiting for justin to get here are bad for my heart..i think. i thought he was getting off work at 11...but he isn't getting off until 1. and i want to see him so bad it hurts...idk if i can wait a couple more hours. i'm so emotional. its scary..and i know it i just because i'm pmsing..i hope. i feel like i'm going to start..and i'm suppose to start, like now. but its really light..and i'm kinda worried i might be preggo. it sure doesn't feel like i am tho, not that i would know what it feels like, but i'm having cramps like a mother fucker. so idk. i'm just sad..i hate waiting. and i just want my baby. thats all, i don't care about anything else. i went to my work meeting, i did my homework...and now i'm just sitting here and it is only 11:15. and i can't stop thinking about how bad i just want to see him now. and if i had the choice i would make him be here..lol but i'm not that kind of person, and i wouldn't do that anyways, to anyone. i just miss him and i want a hug and a kiss and to cuddle. i seriously feel like i'm going to get sick bc i miss him so bad. is this normal? i don't want to be like dependent on him or any of that shit...because i'm a very independent woman. sounds kinda retarded...but i've worked really hard to be that way, and i don't want that all to just fall apart because i fell in love. i can't like that happen...no. fuck i'm so sad. wtf! i hate having emotions and shit...i just want to be happy and not think about the stupid shit. but justin is the ONLY person who will make me stop thinking about what i can't stop thinking about. it is really frusterating...bc he isn't around me all the time like i need him to me. ...did you hear that? i need him! ugh, what am i turning into? you know maybe its not that bad...maybe falling in love doesn't have to mean i have no life, maybe falling in love means i can still be myself. in fact, justin has shown me nothing but just that. he lets me be who i am...and lets me hang with my friends. i get to make decisions for me. i guess i just don't know how to deal with that because in my last relationship i had no life outside of us. literally..i wasn't allowed to. and i can tell you straight up i'm never going to let that happen again. ever. i'm too good for any of that shit. idk if that is cocky or selfish..or whatever. but i can honestly say i don't care about any of that shit anymore. who cares about what people think of me?? i sure as hell don't. ok well i do...but not my peers. i remember when i used to be soooo fuckin worried about being accepted. like to the point where i would cry and try to change as much as i could that way people who just like me. and i guess in a way i'm still kinda like that...but instead of changing i've come to accept that the me who i actually am, people like. and even if they don't...well then quite frankly they aren't worth my time. plain and simple.


i'm so bored. and tired...i think i'm going to fill out some more lame ass surveys and fall asleep til justin gets here. bc i can assure you i would definitely cry if he didn't come tonight =(

ugh, idk what to do. i can't get fuck face out of my mind...it's like i think about him once or twice a day. and then when is start thinking about him all the bad memories come flooding back and then i start thinking about what i would do to him if i saw him or talked to him. its super weird, and idk what to do. i'm over him, i am SO over him. i have no feelings left for him except for hatred. And i realize he was a big part of my life...2 years is a long time. but i never realized it would haunt me like this, and i don't know how to get the fuck over it. i know i don't love him, and i know i love justin and i want to be with justin for as long and life permits. and i feel bad thinking about what i'm thinking about...it seems partially unfaithful. it seems like i'm cheating on justin because he isn't the only one on my mind. i just need to convince myself that these thoughts i'm having don't mean anything because even if i were to talk to or see "him" again, it would be bad. i would freak out and i have a panic attack and get pissy. just because all the bad stuff is stuck in my head...i think about the two times he hit me over and over constantly. and it is sickening. people get beat up all the time, so why can't i just forget about it in and move on. i shouldn't have to deal with this. its not my fault, its not my problem. i just want it out of my mind becuase i don't want justin to know it still causes me anxiety and fear, that what "he" did still pains me. and it doesn't hurt because i love him anymore, actually for the last year of the relationship i didn't love him...and maybe i never even loved him at all. so i know justin is the only one i truly love, he is the ONLY ONE for me and that is how i want it to be. he treats me right, he apologizes he does what he says he's going to do. and i swear to god if he ever calls me a bitch or the c word...i will freak the fuck out. because that is all 'he' called me...i was never beautiful or sweet or wonderful or perfect. i need justin, i need him to prove to me that i can get over this with his love. but how do i do that when i don't want to admit to justin what is going on in my head? when i can't admit that 'he' is still there...and you know, maybe it isn't even 'him' in my head. maybe i'm just making it a bigger deal that it has to be made. maybe i'm psychotic...maybe i need somebody to seriously sit me down and tell me that i'm not going to be haunted forever. who the fuck knows...i just want to get over it, like i can get over everything else. nothing hurts anymore, because i've been so damaged that nothing even compares to the pain i felt, so it can't hurt. and here i am pouring my heart out to you, and what are you going to do?? nothing. i need this to go away! i haven't felt like crying forever, i'm too strong to let it bother me. but here i am in my raw un-gaurded anger, and what do i feel like doing??? crying. i feel like bawling my eyes out to justin of all people. i want him here so badly,. and even if i didn't tell him what was going on in my mind at least i could hug him and feel the true love that i deserve and i could be whisked away in bliss, even if it was just for a second. i want my baby.

ok. i can do this...i can be strong, i can move on. i'm beautiful, i'm caring, i'm capable of loving and of being loved. i have the perfect boyfriend who would do anything for me, and i have the best friends and family who would be there for me in a heartbeat. i'm doing good,and i love my life!

i know i haven't posted about justin yet, but that is because everything is so amazing! so beautifully amazing i can't even begin to explain how i feel about him! i don't know if it is a bad or a good thing that i feel so right about this. i feel like he IS THE ONE, and that is kinda scary for me. ecspecially when you look on my past relationships. i mean i did tell fuck face i would marry him, and i thought it was real. but it wasn't and i know that now. with him i had doubts, i knew it wasn't right i just put it out of my mind and decided that i would settle. and now that i look back on it, that was very fucked up. to put it nicely. i screwed myself over, i could have stopped it. but if that wouldn't have happened, i'm sure i wouldn't be where i am right now. and i am blissful at the moment. i am completely and totally in love with justin it is almost unbearable. and i don't mean that in a bad sense, i mean it in a very very good one. i feel like my heart is going to explode! i seriously have never ever felt like this before, ever. no matter how much i thought i did, i didn't. it wasn't real. but this is, i know it. and i hope it never ever ends because it feels so right in so many different ways. and i know i can be a bitch and i know he can be an asshole, but i am so willing to accept that because that is just how people are. they get mad, they do things they don't mean. but it's different with him because i know for a fact that justin will NEVER hurt me. and if he does, even unintentionally, he will make up for it. because he has a good family, he treats his mom right. and that is a big thing, because everyone says it is important to look at how a man treats his mother bc that is a reflection of how he treats women. i just feel so completely and totally safe with him. and i don't mean just because i know he would kill someone for me, but i know he wants me to be happy. he wants to please me, he wants to be MINE and ALL MINE and he wants me to be his, forever. and i have to admit it is kinda scary. because i've given my heart away once, and we all know how that ended up. but i have given EVERYTHING to justin, and it really hasn't even been that long. but i trust it. and that scares me. it scares me not because i'm afriad of him hurting me, because i can handle that. aint nothing he could do to me that hasn't been done before. and now i know what to do, and that is just simply to get the fuck out. but i am afraid of hurting him. and i realize i have no reason to be afraid of this, because i would give anything for his love and for his respect. but he is so big and so strong and so...manly. and i know that if i hurt him, it would completely crush him and he would cry and be depressed and i can't bear thinking about him that way. i can't stand that he is so sad when i'm not with him. and i know it is ridculous to think that i just want to be with him ALL THE TIME. but i do...and i'm honestly not worried about getting sick of him. that doesn't freak me out...and i'm not worried about him getting sick of me. because it is too good for that. and maybe it's too good to be true? idk...it's still very early in the relationship, i mean hell it hasn't even been two months yet. but i just know that this is going to last...if not forever, then for a very very long time. i don't intend on ever being with anyone else. i could see myself being with him thru college, getting engaged..,thru grad school...getting married. and marriage scares the SHIT out of me. but if he is really being true to who he is now, then i know its right because he is everything i have ever wanted in a guy. EVERYTHING. and i know that we could get thru anything because he talks to me, i know what he is thinking. and he WANTS to know what i'm thinking. it is important to him. and omg that just makes me feel SO GOOD to know that what i think and what i do is important to him. he treats me like a princess, he's even called me his princess =) i love being his world, and right now he is one of the only stable and worthwhile things in my life. everyone else is full of drama, or flaky. it's all really irritating. but oh man, i would give anything to be in his arms right now, to be in his arms any second of any day. he makes me laugh like no other...this really is the most beautiful feeling in the world. and its so raw and pure, i can't imagine feeling any other way about him, or feeling like this towards any one else. i love him with my WHOLE HEART, and he has every piece of it. and i totally trust him to cherish that, because right now i don't even intend on leaving his arms. it's just so perfect there.

justin: i kno baby! its cuz its right!! i wanted to tell u how i truely feel but i am afraid its to soon!

me: baby i'm feelin the same thing and i feel like such a puss for not just spitting it out lol..that's what i was smiling all goofy about!

justin: i kno thats y u were!! and i feel like a bigger puss!! but here goes..i'm falling in love with u!! i can't believe its happening this fast but i am!

me: oh baby it's so amazing! i'm falling in love with you too and it's happening so fast, like this has never happened b4 and i feel like it should be too soon, but for us it isn't it feels like this is what is suppossed to happen!

justin: =) =) =) i feel relieved haha god it does feel so right baby!! everything feels rite!

me: it's the most amazing feeling in the world! i've been meaning to tell you for like a week now and didn't know how lol and like..there would be an opening and i would be like saying it in my head but like freaking out haha

justin: i kno...i wanted to tell you but i was afraid of you being all weirded out or sum!! or reacting bad to it! and if there would have been awkwardness! but i'm so happy its out now baby!! ugh sigh of relief!!

me: i'm beyond happy baby, wayyyy beyond it...i hope you know how blissfully happy i am right now and i'm also completely happy with the fact that we're ototally ont he same page..you don't have to be afriad of me being weirded out baby ever!!

justin: lol i knooooo!! its deff a better feeling knowing were on the same page!! haha i can say it now...should i?!

me: i love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =)

justin: =) =) =) =) omg!!! I LOVE U!!!



i really do love him! i'll have to explain later ;)

ok. i don't want to get into detail because i know i will cry, and i just don't want that to happen in some strange hotel on vacation. but i had a dream...i very bad dream, i nightmare even. about him, about him hurting me, it was scary. i jerked awake..and it's all i've been able to think about ever since. i hope he treats his new girlfriend better. because i'm haunted, he caused me more damage than anyone will ever know. i need to spill to someone..i need to get my head on straight. because i feel it balling up in my chest, and it hurts. and the only thing that will make that sensation go away is screaming and crying, and letting someone know the pain i feel. but idk who to tell..because i don't want anyone i know to know that side of me. i WANT to be normal, i WANT to be happy. and if i keep it that way around my loved ones, around my friends, i'll be fine because they will think i'm fine.

fuck this!

i just got really depressed and lonely.

*Since you've gone, my heart said something's wrong.
How long can this keep goin' on?
I'm still blue over losin' you.
What else am I gonna do?

I'm buildin' bridges straight to your heart,
An' all of this distance won't keep us apart,
Won't keep us apart.

Talk to me, talk to me about sympathy.
Don't leave me beggin' on my knees.
Since you've gone, my heart says something's wrong.
How long can this keep goin' on?

I'm buildin' bridges straight to your heart,
And all of this distance won't keep us apart,
Won't keep us apart.

I'm buildin' bridges straight to your heart,
And all of this distance won't keep us apart,
Won't keep us apart.

I'm buildin' bridges, (I'm buildin' bridges.)
Straight to your heart,
And all of this distance won't keep us apart,
Won't keep us apart.

(I'm buildin' bridges.)
Straight to your heart.
Whoa, I,
Whoa I, I'm buildin' bridges,
Staright to your heart.* - Brooks and Dunn

*Well I've heard those city singers singin 'bout how they can love
Deeper than the oceans higher than the stars above
Well I come from the country and I know I ain't seen it all
But I heard that oceans salty and the stars they sometimes fall
But that would not do justice to the way I feel for you
So I have to sing this song about all the things I knew

My love is deeper that the holler, stronger than the rivers
Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill
My love is purer than the snowflakes that fall in late December
And honest as a robin on a springtime window sill
And longer than the song of the Whippoorwill

From the backroads to the broadway shows with a million miles between
There's a least a million love songs that people love to sing
And everyone is different and everyone's the same
So this is just another way of sayin' the same thing

My love is deeper that the holler, stronger than the rivers
Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill
My love is purer than the snowflakes that fall in late December
And honest as a robin on a springtime window sill
And longer than the song of the Whippoorwill

My love is deeper that the holler, stronger than the rivers
Higher than the pine trees growin' tall upon the hill
My love is purer than the snowflakes that fall in late December
And honest as a robin on a springtime window sill
And longer than the song of the Whippoorwill* - Randy Travis

so i've been talking to jason for a while now. we know each other pretty well...we've talked about getting fucked over and how we don't want relationships but we like each other. we've talked about how we're totally comfortable around each other and how we can be ourselves...we text every night before bed. and we started this thing where we tell each other good night even if we are busy. and then i text him last night...and i got nothing back. and no text tonight. now, i'm not broken hearted or anything but
what is going on?! like monday night he was telling me how much better his year has been since he's met me..and blah blah blah and now he won't even talk to me? there has to be something wrong. i'm going to cry if it's me tho. i'm sorta kinda attached to him..i know him pretty well, he's a good person and very loyal but he hurts easily. and so do i...maybe that's not a good combination, but who cares we're not going to date. i'm pretty sure that isn't in the cards for me for a very very long time. unless it walks into my life...which hasn't happened soooo...whatever.

idk i feel good about being single, i'm happy, i'm FREE <3 but thats about it..nothing else. i don't have that person to kiss, to tell i love you to. none of that...and i miss it. as gross as it sounds, i do. i want that other half that person who LOVES me and wants to be with me forever. i went to sex in the city 2 with KT on tuesday and in the movie carrie and her husband have this relationship that i want. like she gets mad and neurotic and he just stays calm and adapts to it, and she does the same. there is no yelling or screaming just talking and rationalizing..and being adults. where the hell are THOSE relationships in the real world?? i want one.

everything is just insane. Ppl are dying...and hurting and here I am in the middle of it all. Death..has never happened to me but I'm scared shitless. Idk what else to say...prayers go out to the anderson family. Lauren, may you be an angel of light shining down on all of them. Your time came to soon.

eli young band - guinevere

She's got a bumper like a billboard
Covered in stickers of her favorite bands
She's got a handful of records that she turns to
When she needs to land
She's a saturday night parade through the streets
That all eyes come to see including me

She carries memories around like souvenirs down in her pockets
She should have let some go by now but can't seem to drop it
Says forgiveness ain't nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her soul
That never rolls

Chours:
For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere
Just like Guinevere

She don't hold onto nothin' new for very long
Yeah she writes you in as just one more tale
and then you're gone
'Cause she once fell hard 'cause she dropped her guard
And no one gets to stay it's just too late

Repeat Chorus

For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here

For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere
Just like Guinevere

Lean into me Guinevere
Be mine tonight Guinevere

i'm in one of those moods. you know, the one where i feel like i want to cry because the aching inside of me would stop...but i really don't have any reason to? ok, maybe there are plenty of reasons to cry, but i can't find one that will actually make me cry. it's quite frustrating actually. it's all pent up in there with no place to go. i don't even know how to get it out at this point.

so i'm starting to like jason. jason...is the guy jessie tried to "set me up" with. i guess i kind of ignored it because i don't want to be that girl who can't find a guy without being set up with him. so i just put it on the back burner. then..i started getting excited when he would text me, and sad when he wouldn't. i noticed i like him...or at least had some sort of feelings for him was at jessie's on saturday. our friend emma from high school was there. and jessie had text me telling me that emma was thinking about hooking up with jason...oh you would not believe the feelings that happened inside of me at that moment. i was so pissed and jealous. i admit i didn't tell emma i kind of liked him, but she knew we'd been talking and she knew he liked me. i just want to get pissed, but i wasn't supposed to know. i wouldn't have made a scene anyways. but it was at the moment that i sat there..and i was like damn. emma didn't hook up with him, she ended up doing his friend, which was weird. but jason and i made out alot, for like two hours. it was amazing. he didn't try to have sex with me, i was pretty impressed. so i was texting him the next day and i told him how i was jealous and how i would have been pissed, but not at him. and he said he would have been pissed at himself because he is really excited to see where this goes. and to be honest, so i am. i'm not sure if these are legit feelings, i don't really know who he is. but i'm so ready to get to know. even if this ends up being nothing more than a friend ship i will be happy because he seems like such a good guy. he's very honest and loyal, just like me.

and the bad news...
we have to move, again. they put the for rent sign up today. idk if we'll be able to stay here til they find a new rentee or not. my mom JUST started looking at places, so who knows if we'l have time to get into one. we might end up living with my grandma. it just scares me. i know we'll have a place to live no matter what. but just the fact that it's gotten to this point. it's very stressful. and i feel like i have to be strong for my mom and kyle. i think kyle will be ok...he understands life very well. but i know how it feels to see men walk in and out of your mom's life, over and over again. it's not a good feeling. and now..men have screwed all of us over. it's a mess. i'm and i'm trying to be strong for everyone...and i'm ok. i really am. but i can just feel my breaking point coming. and god, i hope it's not at an inconvenient time. from what i've been through this past few years, i've learned that crying would get me anywhere. and i really don't want to let people see me like that...because i can't be weak and let things get to me. everyone is falling apart, and they are leaning on me to be their strong point. so i'm trying to be ok, not for myself..but for them. and i know this isn't very good reasoning, but it's all i got to hold onto for my family.

i don't know what i want to talk about. i'm listening to thoughtful and intriguing country music. i reconnected with my middle school counselor. and that might sound kind of stupid, but she was one of those people who really shaped my life and made me who i am. so it's special. i found her on facebook and she asked what i was up too..i just spent the last half hour spilling the past five years of my life to her. lol it might have been to much. but i need to tell someone you know? she's one of those people who i can just feel okay to talk with. and idk if thats because she was my counselor, i don't really care. I don't want to think to much about what people think any more...and you know that is kind of hard to change, but it will be so worth it when i'm not locked in this shell anymore. i keep having flashbacks...about he who shall not be named. i hate it. its all the bad things. and they are so bad..and i want them to go away. he doesn't know how much he hurt me. hell, i don't even know how much he hurt me. but i just don't want to feel it anymore. it was so stupid of me to even think i could have anything special. and i know it wasn't my fault, but i wanted it to be better so bad. and there was never a chance of that happening, but i stupidly thought there was because he kept telling me it would be okay. it's never going to be okay. i'm sorry, it's just not. it's sick to think about..but this shit is going to going through my head for the rest of my fucking life. i'm super claustrophobic now, and i can't trust any man except my daddy. i want myself back more than anything. and my god i hope he realizes what he took from me. god dammit i hope he does. but i don't think he has the heart too...or much for brain cells left. my heart hurts. why can't i find somebody who will make it better? i just need somebody to prove to me that it's not going to happen again...i need that trust to be better. i feel like a fucking mental patient. and maybe i am..maybe thats what i need. but i'm too scared to call out for it. i don't believe in myself anymore, i have zero self confidence. i can't even dress up because he didn't like it when i did. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. i'm sick of bottling this up...but honestly sometimes it just doesn't bother me. and i know i'm not crying because i miss him, because i never want to see his fat ass again. even thinking about seeing him gives me a panic attack. like when i thought he was going to be at amanda's mom's funeral..i seriously started crying. now, i'm sorry, but that's not normal. i can't see myself with anyone..i can't see myself getting married. i'm seriously scared shitless. like even thinking about it...i'm scared, i don't think i can do it. i was hoping that ignoring it would help me get over it. but no..it's making worse. sometimes i feel like people don't get it. like i tell them and they just shrug it off as no big deal. which maybe to them it isn't because they have never felt the way i did...i literally cussed at God because i was convinced he wanted me to be miserable and wanted me to die. now i don't even know if i believe in God. he who shall not me named made me feel worthless, stupid, insignificant, not important..and like less of a human being. to the point where i didn't want to be a human being at all. i'm happier now, i have my friends back..i don't want to die. i haven't hurt myself for a very long time. and i'm proud of myself. but then there are times like these..when i wonder wtf happened to me?! and i realized that there are some bruises that are never going to be gone. and i start to think..if only i hadn't done it, if only...but it's not my fault and that could be pounded into my head a thousand times and i would still feel like i was to blame. and that's because that's how HE made me feel, and i listened to it and believed it for 3 fucking years.

idk...maybe some day i'll be ok...but i don't have nething else to say right now.

she won't be lonely long - Clay Walker

Somethin bout the way she’s wearing her dress a little tighter
Somethin bout the way she’s starin, she’s lookin to start a fire
Somethin bout the way she’s dancin and drinkin chill patron
If she’s lonely now she won’t be lonely long

Heaven help the fool who did her wrong
It’s too late, too bad, she’s too far gone
He should’ve thought of that before he left her all alone
If she’s lonely now, she won’t be lonely long

Somethin bout the way she’s blushin you can tell she isn’t sure
Let you know she’s up to something she’s never done before
Tonight she wants to hold a stranger but not the one at home
If she’s lonely now she won’t be lonely long

Heaven help the fool who did her wrong
It’s too late, too bad, she’s too far gone
He should’ve thought of that before he left her all alone
If she’s lonely now, she won’t be lonely long

If I had a woman like that
Man I’d let her know
I’d hold her tight
I’d hold her close
Do anything, do everything to let her know
She’d never ever be alone

Heaven help the fool who did her wrong
It’s too late, too bad, she’s too far gone
He should’ve thought of that before he left her all alone
If she’s lonely now, lord if she’s lonely now
If she’s lonely now, she won’t be lonely long

some say holding on is what makes you strong; but sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.

i'm going to be ok. i spent an hour last night in my room writing, literally paper and pencil, writing down my thoughts. and you know what? i feel better. i got it all out. i know what's wrong with me. now i just need to learn how to fix it. and one thing that i know will take away my fears is falling in love again. its scary and yes, i'm afraid of getting hurt. but what if? what if i find that person that proves me wrong, that shows me what it is like to love and be loved in return. and i guess...maybe it doesn't have to be love that i'm after. but maybe just a nice sweet guy who can show me that i do matter, that i'm not a worthless cuntbag, excuse my language. i just need to feel right with a guy, feel like i can trust them. then maybe i'll be fixed...well aside from the anxiety and fears i've newly retained.

but my god to i want jake. it's getting out of hand, like i'm actually letting myself get attached to him. no no no no no! i can't do that, not because i'm scared of falling for someone or any of that hoo ha but because, well clearly i am not his type. yeah sometimes i feel like he flirts with me, but he does with everyone. i'm nothing special, just some chick he works with. so i need to move on. now only if i could find someone else to move on to..there is always jason. and i know that i don't want him, and it's not just because of his looks. he's way to depressed for me. i'm trying to move out of that part of my life, and if i get into anything serious with him...well i'd be moving right back into it. he's not a happy person. i mean yeah, he acts happy on the outside..but what about when he can't act happy anymore? who is he then? that's what i don't like about him. he told me as a kid he never smiled and his dad always told him he needed to smile more. i'm sorry, but i can't save him. i tried that once and i just got fucked over. not that he is anything like that buttttt..i don't want to get hurt. not now. not ever. but especially not now because i just got out of something way worse than i could have ever imagined. and at this point in my life, i'm trying to hard to get back to where i was before all of it happened. and it would not be worth it to be brought down by him. because i have worked..and i'm still working to be happy with myself. i can't afford to lose that all to somebody who isn't happy at all. i like him as a friend..and maybe i do have feelings for him, but they aren't boyfriend girlfriend feelings. it's nothing serious, i just want to talk to him to get to know him...to be his friend and maybe occasionally make out with him at parties (which was a mistake btw). I think doing that made him think i wanted something more..but i was so drunk, i can honestly say i don't remember a bit of it.

idk. i'm having trouble figuring out who i am, and it's going to take me a lot longer than i ever intended because it was taken away from me for a very long time. i feel good right now, i'm getting stronger. i'm not afraid to say what i think in most situations...but not all. i'm happy. and i used to think that was too much to ask for. i used to scream at God, convinced he must hate me because he was letting me suffer. Convinced he wanted me to die, that he was on the wrong side. but...that was just a bunch of nonsense. i was blinded, and while i'm still trying to find that reconnection with God, i know he wasn't out to get me. that was ridiculous, and i know i said somethings that, to be honest, i'm not sure he can forgive me for. but it's done and it's getting fixed..and i hope to never be that low again. because the pain was over the top. i just wish i would have gotten out sooner than i did. but that's just it, i got out, i had to be forced...but i'm out. and i'm living and i'm having fun and experiencing life. and i've got the greatest friends in the whole world, i couldn't ask for anything better at this time in my life. and i can only see things going up from here...

my gpa is up, and if i retake that english class i'll be back to above a 3.0
i smile, everyday
i haven't had a break down in four months
i'm not smoking = D
i actually have my money
i'm getting a new phone
no fights with my parents
no drama
got new tires...
and i'm reconnecting with the people who made me who i am

you know? i seriously couldn't ask for anything more. it's a miracle.

love. is not lost.

it just hasn't been found.

it's something that you have to know.

deep down.

something is keeping me from it.

dark. mysterious.

a secret unknown to most, is my demise.

some know.

and they judge.

but i steer away from judgement.

for i am not to blame.

i am not the secret.

for the secret is within.

it shall not be named.

until i can give someone the right to my ways.

i want to love.

i want to trust.

but why do i ask so much?

people say it's not to feared.

but i am revered.

no patience.

lost temper.

glass braking, bottles fall.

the empty unknown.

the drunken disguise.

never to be satisfied.

if i ever forgive.

i shall never forget.

for what shall not be named has harmed me to the abyss.

something i crave.

eating my insides.

maybe.

if i had been more wise.

foolish child. go away.

worthless. harmful.

to this day.

it shall remain hidden.

something known to few.

but who i am...
is a secret.

and i have to trust to let you know.

for fear is instilled in me.

and my soul has been drained.

if i could i would disdain.

something that cannot be handled.

by most.

not even i.

scary. putrid.

tired of watching you cry.

is it worth it?

this life you lead.

maybe help is what you need.

but for now i shall let it rest.

because for my soul is it best.

my body. my mind, does not need more distress.

for what shall not be named is eating.

eating away.

at who i once was.

and who i hoped to be.

please stop me from going astray.

i need not paleness.

in the darkest of night.

goodbye.

sweet dreams...

for a lonesome goodnight.

so i know what i want. but what is it going to take to get it?

remind me again why i'm living this life...

i love myself. i like the person i am, but why doesn't any guy?

does it really have to be this complicated to be happy?

scratch that....

does it really have to be this complicated to get a guy to like you?
what ever happened to liking her for her?

i guess i have to just let it happen, wait for the right time.
my patience is wearing thing?

where ARE you prince charming? i'm. right. here.

i talked to sam tonight about why it is that we feel so hopelessly lonely. we are beautiful people, we have grrreat personalities...but are people really that shallow? is it really all about looks? if so..thats just sick. i realize i'm not super beautiful, but i'm not terribly ugly. i realize that i'm not model skinny..but i'm not obese. if i were as skinny as society tells me to be, i would look awkward because i'm so short and my boobs are so big. what does it take to get a good man? well..my point is, is that it is pointless to try. i'm sick of trying to make myself look good, i'm sick of thinking i'm not good enough. i'm sick of being afraid of what i want because i'm not perfect, because i'm a girl. it is disgusting. i look at all these other happy couples, and just get so jealous. i want to be them, i want to be happy and pretty and perfect and...gag. i want to be me. is that such a hard thing? i want to be okay with it. so my conclusion is...is that in order to be able to find love, i have to love myself first. it doesn't seem that difficult. but i've lost track of who i am. and it's really frustrating. but i'm getting there, i'm starting to not be worried so much and act like myself around people. and you know what? it makes me happy, who knew? but there is still a problem...i can't be myself around boys. why are they so intimidating? to be honest, i want more than anything to be able to cuddle with the person i love, to kiss them..to hug them, just to be with them and to feel safe. and it's almost pathetic, but it is human nature to want to be loved. but i should be able to do this on my own, i should be able to make myself happy. and i know i've said i'm going to work on it...and i am, and i'm improving. but i have to give up this vision of finding the perfect man, because it's not going to happen. at least right now, right now i'm not even capable of loving somebody completely. i can't even love myself. so i'm going to make a list...a list of the good things about me. and i'm going to live for said list..and eventually i'm going to be capable of loving who i am, as well as somebody else.

1) I'm great at making people feel good and making them smile.
2) I'm honest
3) I'm one of the most reliable people anyone could ever meet.
4) I can be silly with out being rude and ignorant.
5) I'm mature
6) I'm selfless
7) I would do anything for my friends/family
8) My hair is wonderful
9) I love my eyes
10) I have the cutest feet I have ever seen on an adult
11) My life is full of meaning
12) I can understand and be accepting of just about anything

..i'll add more later. but for now, i'm just going to end it with my new favorite miranda lambert song, and the feeling that i really do love my life.


The House That Built Me
I know they say you cant go home again.
I just had to come back one last time.
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.
But these handprints on the front steps are mine.
And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom
is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.
And I bet you didn't know under that live oak
my favorite dog is buried in the yard.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years.
From 'Better Homes and Garden' magazines.
Plans were drawn, concrete poured,
and nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama's dream.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

miss independent

Miss independent
Miss self-sufficient
Miss keep your distance, mmmm

Miss unafraid
Miss out of my way
Miss don't let a man interfere, no

Miss on her own
Miss almost grown
Miss never let a man help her off her throne

So, by keeping her heart protected
She'll never, ever feel rejected
Little miss apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in love


What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true


Misguided heart
Miss play it smart
Miss if you wanna use that line, you better not start, no

But she miscalculated
She didn't wanna end up jaded
And this miss decided not to miss out on true love

So, by changing a misconception
She went in a new direction
And found inside, she felt a connection
She fell in love


What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (when love, is true)


When miss independent walked away
No time for love that came her way
She looked in the mirror and thought today
What happened to miss no longer afraid?
It took some time for her to see
How beautiful love could truly be
No more talk of why can't that be me
I'm so glad I've finally seen


What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (when love, is true)

Miss independent

here i go again. being all lonely and shit. you know, i actually told sam that i might get married. that's not nomral, i don't even intend on getting married because i'm so freaking scared of it. hell i'm scared of dating because i got so fucked over last time. i can handle the random hookups, the no emotions attached thing. that's okay with me, but what is going to happen when i find i guy that i'm really attracted to, and not just in the physical sense? i have a feeling i'm going to take off running, and i do not want it to be that way. i don't want to be afraid. i want to be able to give someone my heart and trust them with it, and take theirs as well. i want to be connected to another human being on an emotional level so badly. i want a boyfriend, but i get so nervous. yes, i like jake. i can't deny that. but do i just like him because i can? do i just like him because he's purely sex to me, or do i really like him as a person? hell, i barely even know him. i don't know if he's attracted to me. sure he talks to me, at work. i want it to be more so badly, but i want him to do it. i don't want to seem creepy. i feel like i'm on a lower level than he is, and i know that if we're meant to be that won't matter. but who the hell knows what this is, sometimes i feel like i'm just imagining the whole damn thing. but i want it so bad. this is so stupid. i wouldn't be so fucked up if i hadn't of...well you know. i just want to cry. because there is so much about me that has changed and i want it to be back to it was more than anything. i want my self confidence, i want inner beauty. i don't want to cower away from the things i want because i'm afraid of getting shot down. i don't want to run away when emotions get involved, i want a healthy emotional state. and most of the time i have that, but not when it comes to relationships. i find myself crying because i'm alone..but yet i find myself crying because i don't want a relationship. i want to focus on me and my schoolwork...but to be honest i'm sick of it. and it would be so nice to have a distraction right now. and the boys i have to choose from to distract me...aren't what i would really pick. i'm sure they are great friends, but for some reason they both seem to think that there is potential with me and them. and there is not. i'm not attracted to either and i really don't want to lead them on. its really very frustrating because i want to open up to them, i want to have a guys opinion and someone strong to lean on...but if i open up to them that puts me in a situation where i can get hurt. and when i'm vulnerable like that these boys think that is their chance to swoop in and save me. THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT. and i also do not want to hurt them, which is what i've been known to do. "she's all talk but no action". i don't want to be action..i want to be what someone needs. and that doesn't mean i want to take care of them..but i want to be that girl that that boy needs by her to complete her. and i know it's a bunch of love story bullshit. but i love that feeling, i love being special to someone. and i miss it, i miss it soooo much. its so retarded how upset i am about this, but its like my friends are dropping one by one to these amazing guys...and i'm stuck here, scared and alone. i can't deny that it isn't great being single, i love my freedom i love the relationships i have with my friends. but i know that the perfect guy is not going to stop me from doing what i want, i'll still be able to have my friends and my freedom. where the hell is he. i haven't even been waiting that long and i'm already retarded about this. how long has it been? four months...and i can at least pride myself for being completely moved on. but i want somebody to move on with. i wish i could fill this with random hook ups and sex...but that just feels good and if i tried to connect to that person i would only get hurt. this is a really complicated place i'm in...and it's only within me. i'm so glad i don't have the issues i used to have...the whole dying cutting shit. that was way to distracting..and by overcoming that i know i can overcome this and i can be ok. i've heard that guys are attracted to confidence..so that's what my next self improvement process is. i'm going to develop my confidence...maybe i'm doing this for jake...but more than anything i'm doing this for myself because i need to be a strong person again. and that's who i'm going to be.

<3

so. i'm lonely. and it seems like one certain friend always spurs these emotions. i fucking hate it. i told this girl that her bragging to me about all these guys she keeps meeting is making me depressed. i mean i just got out of a huge breakup..and i'm not really in the mind set for bragging. i want to hear about it and know how she is doing. but the only thing she can talk about is boys boys boys. i can't handle it, i feel like i'm in 7th grade again. i hated 7th grade. i am not looking for a boyfriend, nor do i want to be. buttttttt...(i'm going to try not to be judgmental here) why is it that ugly people can get boyfriends (ugly couples are cute) but i can't? like i know i'm not ugly but i also know i'm not drop dead gorgeous. it just seems unfair to me...is there something wrong with me?

no, i know there isn't. but it doesn't help that i'm crushing on this ABSOLUTELY gorgeous guy from work. the only thing is is that he is way out of my league and i would never stand a chance with him, ever. like over my dead body. but i love him. that might be an over-statement. but really, he's cute he has a very charming personality and he actually can hold a conversation. and he's actually held a conversation with me, instead of just ignoring me. maybe that's the only reason i'm crushing on him...because he's an actually human being. who knows. maybe i'm just on the rebound. who the fuck knows. but i want him for some strange reason. and i know i can't have him..and they guy i can have told me he was dying of a rare lung disease the other day, but he was lying. and i don't think i like him anyways. and that was creepy.

but i guess i'm kind of over my being lonely rant. cheeseball here i come.

ok. so it's spring break. and this is exciting because it is the first time i have actually been able to live at home in over 2 years. i love my mom. and i hate him.

so i came back friday night and amy was here = ) gosh i love her, i kid you not we are the exact same person. she can make me laugh no matter what. it's a miracle because as i was driving home friday night i starting thinking about the puppies i had with him and how much i miss those little guys. and i cried but as soon as i got home and saw amy was here my mood completely lightened up and we had the best girls night ever. we played king's corner until two o clock in the morning. lol then on saturday my mom and i when to a holistic wellness fair. that was something different, let me tell you. it was all about healing and there were psychics and books and chiropractors, and stones. my mom is on this stone kick. she believes in the healing power of them, which creeps me out a little and makes me worry about her. but she got this pendulum deal and if you hold it up with your hand and ask it a question it will move without you making it move. so i tried it when i got home and it worked! i asked it if my name was really my name...and it went clockwise which meant yes. i'm still not totally convinced but it was pretty cool. then today i went shopping with her, it was fun! i went into shoe carnival and saw some of my cold shoe carnival friends = ) it was truly awesome. but i think the thing that i'm really looking forward to over spring break is seeing my friends. i want to see ady so damn bad. and kirsten and i want to go to sam's house to meet her dogs. lol ya i'm a dork but they are cute and there are no pets around here! then i think either friday or sat i'm going to my dads to give him money and my dad wrote on my facebook wall today that this summer we're going on vacation to cali! i've never been there = ) so i guess things are looking up for me for once! i just don't want to get lonely anymore but i think if i surround myself with people i love then i won't have to worry about it? lol i'm going to try!

can't wait.

so i'm in the midst of a minor mental break down. i told myself i wouldn't let it bother me...but it is, and i'm letting it and i just want to bawl my eyes out. i know crying would make me feel so much better, but i can't. even tho i feel like crying, i can't just let it out.

i want a relationship so badly. idk why, i don't NEED it. but i want it. i want that feeling of comfort. knowing that you really don't have to impress anyone. that your not trying to find somebody. and i always promise myself that i'm not going to try to find them, that i'm going to let them find me. but while i'm waiting, my confidence is dropping slowly. its like i'm draining away. i don't want to have to wait forever. and it's just so dumb to me, because i'm not this girl. i don't want to be jealous of other people's relationships. i don't want to worry about being in a relationship. i just want to have fun and meet people, but that is not easy to do for me. i'm too fucking shy, and thats something i really thought i worked on. but then again, i never had to meet new people. and now i'm put in all these really new and akward situations. and i don't know how to handle myself. there is this guy, joey, amy and i both like him. we think he's cute, whatever. i don't personally think there is any connection between us. i don't see the possibility of anything EVER happening because i know he is clearly not into me. but you know what? it would be nice to have a flirt buddy, somebody who i know thinks i'm attractive and brilliant. preferably one who does not have a girlfriend. i was talking to a bosnian kid for a while, but he acted like i was dumb for asking him questions. so i got a little upset and haven't talked to him since. i didn't freak or anything, that's not me. but i let him know that i in fact, am not stupid. it's just hard because even though i actually went out and went to that party, i couldn't bring myself to let loose. i feel so young and little compared to everyone, even though half of them were my age or possibly even younger. and i get so intimidated. and i feel worthless. and this is how it was before i got a boyfriend, and i hated myself. and now i don't really hate myself, but i know i need to change it to be who i want to be. but idk how to do that. and it's becoming an issue. and i do realize i have only been single for a month, but i feel like once i was free i should have been able to fulfill all those thoughts and desires i had when i was with someone. and maybe i only had them out of spite. who knows. i just want to be normal, whatever that is. i want to be respected and i want to be beautiful. i just wish being beautiful didn't involved weighing 100 lbs. being beautiful is more something that comes with time, something that people can see in you and know that you are a good person. and i know i'm a good person. and i know i want to gain the respect and trust of every single person around me. and i know that i mostly have. but it's still not good enough. no matter how hard i try i'm always second best. and maybe that's just how my life it going to be, i'm always going to be in second place. and i would be willing to except it and move on but now i know that is not what i want for my life, not all the time. i don't want to be the person who backs up everything and does good deeds with out getting recognized. that is who i've always been and i always end up like this. is there something wrong with me? i feel invisible. and it's really wearing me thin. i want somebody who understands, i want somebody who can make me feel comfortable with myself. and it would be totally awesome if i could do that. if i could be able to make my own happiness. but right now i can't, and i don't want to wait to give it time because at this moment the pain doesn't feel worth it.

you know how they always say, "do unto others as you would want them to do unto you"? you know the golden rule? it doesn't work. i do everything in my power to be the type of person i would want to know. i try everything in my power to treat others as i want to be treated. but i don't get it back, ever. instead i get blamed for stealing, and called a "little bitch". i want to give up being this person. i want to just throw it all away and be that dumb blonde girl that everyone loves because they feel smarter than her. but i can't because that isn't me, and if it were i would throw up. i'm deeper than that.

i just need somebody. and thank God for my friends..amy, sam, shawna <3>

so i'm sitting in my friend sam's room, kinda bored out of my mind but not necessarily wanting to go back to my room because it's not worth the drama. apparently somebody has been using becca's credit card around town. according to her, "they have been taking it out of my bag and using it and then putting it back". this i don't believe. but she text everyone in the suite earlier stating that somebody has been using her card, she isn't pointing fingers, but if she doesn't find out soon who it is she is going to the police. greeeeattttt. that's just what we need. the roomates across the way just got into a screaming match and i had to hear enough of that. plus, kennedy, one that lives across the way is blaming ME for stealing her money. i am literally the last person any one would have to be worried about. i don't steal..hell i don't even lie to people. and i guess she called me "a little bitch" and said that if i tried to confront her she would "kick my ass". so i'm staying away from her..i don't want any screaming matches. i know it wasn't my fault, so i'm just going to ignore it. it is not worth it. i haven't been involved in crap like that since middle school. i intend to be happy and careless..and i college girl blah blah blah. whatever that means anyways. still haven't figured out this whole thing. i'm having a terrible time right now meeting people. i'm not in any groups or any sports. so it's hard to get out there, and i don't really party because i don't know anyone. and my friends don't really invite me out anymore like they used to. so idk i'll figure it out sometime. but i can't wait for summer, maybe summer will fix everything and i'll actually be able to find myself. i'm really hoping there is a cute boy at work, pathedic i know.but what else do i have to look forward to? nothing. ugh i'm going to stop getting sappy before i get depressed. lol

so goodnight i guess,

talk to you tomorrow!

thanks for helping me solve my problems.

dollhouse, priscilla renea

I’m just a girl, you’re just a boy
This is my heart, it’s not a toy
So what’s with you playing with my mind
We used to be cool, this used to be love
Now it’s become, something like a job
Like it or not, maybe things were changing right before our eyes

I tried to be a picture perfect girl
But you were in your own fantasy world
Tryna control me like some kind of Barbie
but that just ain’t me

Cause I ain’t a doll, this aint a dollhouse
You’re way too old to be, puttin me down like this
and playing around like this
I ain’t a doll, this ain’t a dollhouse
No, I could never be, stuck living life like this
behind these four walls,cause I ain’t a doll

You call the shots, right down to my shoes
I liked what you liked cause you told me to
And i don’t think that you could even tell
I fell out of love, but it never showed
I gave up on us so long ago
But you’ll never know
baby don’t pretend like you know me so well

I tried to be a picture perfect girl
but you were in your own fantasy world
try to control me like some kind of Barbie
but that just ain’t me

I ain’t a doll, this ain't a dollhouse
You’re way too old to be, puttin me down like this
and playing around like this
I ain’t a doll, this ain’t a dollhouse
No, I could never be, stuck living life like this
behind these four walls,cause I ain’t a doll

I’ll never be made of plastic
So glad that my heart’s elastic
No matter what you do
I’ll bounce back offa you
Cut me but I’m not bleeding

I tried to be a picture perfect girl
but you were in your own fantasy world
tryna to control me like some kind of Barbie
but that just ain’t me

I ain’t a doll, this ain't a dollhouse
You’re way too old to be, puttin me down like this
and playing around like this
I ain’t a doll, this ain’t a dollhouse
No I could never be, stuck living life like this
Behind these four walls, I ain’t a doll

And I come with imperfections
Epitome of perfection
if you can’t understand, loving the way I am
then you’re no good for me, so glad i kept my receipt

picture perfect girl

so this is the second time i've set up a new blog because i don't want to look at or see my depressing stories from my ex. my promise to myself right now at the beginning of this blog is to NEVER mention that boy or talk about him because he made my life hell and i'm way happier with out him = )

now that i got that out of the way...

the iowa teacher of the year just came and spoke to my foundations of education class, and she was brilliant. even though i have no desire at this point in my life to be an english teacher of any sorts, i really look up to her because she knows how it all works and she's like a goddess at it. I really aspire to be the kind of person she is, i mean she has it all together AND is wonderful at her job and of course she's beautiful. lucky duck. maybe, eventually when i figure out who i am i will be able to be like her. because at this point i just don't know who i am. he took that away from me, and i'm struggling so hard to figure it out. and for some reason i want it to happen right now. like BAM i'm ok with everything. but...unfortunately it just doesn't work that way. and i'm not being patient whatsoever. i'm struggling with this no boy thing, i feel like i'm just not attractive and that's why i can't find a boy. which i know isn't true because i know i'm not hideous, but i'm not like those "picture perfect girls". whom actually kind of make me sick. i just don't understand why everyone would want to look and act exactly the same. i mean to an extent i get it, to get accepted or whatever. to get the boys. but i'm not like them and i feel like a disease. and i guess all this negativity is coming from the break up, i lost myself and my confidence along the way and i guess it is going to take some time to gain it back. and i'm trying to let it, i'm trying to just "go with the flow" but what the hell is the 'the flow' exactly? i feel like i can't just let things happen, its not as easy as it seems. i want to be in control of my life because if i'm not i get so lost and confused and stressed out. sometimes i just have so much on my plate that my brain feels like its going to explode. and i have no outlet because my roomates have begun to suck, and i'm alone. also, i have no pet..which is a weird situation for me because i've always had a pet and i feel like i can get attached to animals and they won't turn their backs on me. maybe i'm just crazy, i'm not sure. but this is a really akward point in my life and i'm trying to fix it. so i'm going to try to get on here more often and figure out my thoughts one by one, delve through them, and then maybe possibly figure out who i can really be = )