i talked to sam tonight about why it is that we feel so hopelessly lonely. we are beautiful people, we have grrreat personalities...but are people really that shallow? is it really all about looks? if so..thats just sick. i realize i'm not super beautiful, but i'm not terribly ugly. i realize that i'm not model skinny..but i'm not obese. if i were as skinny as society tells me to be, i would look awkward because i'm so short and my boobs are so big. what does it take to get a good man? well..my point is, is that it is pointless to try. i'm sick of trying to make myself look good, i'm sick of thinking i'm not good enough. i'm sick of being afraid of what i want because i'm not perfect, because i'm a girl. it is disgusting. i look at all these other happy couples, and just get so jealous. i want to be them, i want to be happy and pretty and perfect and...gag. i want to be me. is that such a hard thing? i want to be okay with it. so my conclusion is...is that in order to be able to find love, i have to love myself first. it doesn't seem that difficult. but i've lost track of who i am. and it's really frustrating. but i'm getting there, i'm starting to not be worried so much and act like myself around people. and you know what? it makes me happy, who knew? but there is still a problem...i can't be myself around boys. why are they so intimidating? to be honest, i want more than anything to be able to cuddle with the person i love, to kiss them..to hug them, just to be with them and to feel safe. and it's almost pathetic, but it is human nature to want to be loved. but i should be able to do this on my own, i should be able to make myself happy. and i know i've said i'm going to work on it...and i am, and i'm improving. but i have to give up this vision of finding the perfect man, because it's not going to happen. at least right now, right now i'm not even capable of loving somebody completely. i can't even love myself. so i'm going to make a list...a list of the good things about me. and i'm going to live for said list..and eventually i'm going to be capable of loving who i am, as well as somebody else.

1) I'm great at making people feel good and making them smile.
2) I'm honest
3) I'm one of the most reliable people anyone could ever meet.
4) I can be silly with out being rude and ignorant.
5) I'm mature
6) I'm selfless
7) I would do anything for my friends/family
8) My hair is wonderful
9) I love my eyes
10) I have the cutest feet I have ever seen on an adult
11) My life is full of meaning
12) I can understand and be accepting of just about anything

..i'll add more later. but for now, i'm just going to end it with my new favorite miranda lambert song, and the feeling that i really do love my life.


The House That Built Me
I know they say you cant go home again.
I just had to come back one last time.
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.
But these handprints on the front steps are mine.
And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom
is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.
And I bet you didn't know under that live oak
my favorite dog is buried in the yard.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years.
From 'Better Homes and Garden' magazines.
Plans were drawn, concrete poured,
and nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama's dream.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.