i want a relationship so badly. idk why, i don't NEED it. but i want it. i want that feeling of comfort. knowing that you really don't have to impress anyone. that your not trying to find somebody. and i always promise myself that i'm not going to try to find them, that i'm going to let them find me. but while i'm waiting, my confidence is dropping slowly. its like i'm draining away. i don't want to have to wait forever. and it's just so dumb to me, because i'm not this girl. i don't want to be jealous of other people's relationships. i don't want to worry about being in a relationship. i just want to have fun and meet people, but that is not easy to do for me. i'm too fucking shy, and thats something i really thought i worked on. but then again, i never had to meet new people. and now i'm put in all these really new and akward situations. and i don't know how to handle myself. there is this guy, joey, amy and i both like him. we think he's cute, whatever. i don't personally think there is any connection between us. i don't see the possibility of anything EVER happening because i know he is clearly not into me. but you know what? it would be nice to have a flirt buddy, somebody who i know thinks i'm attractive and brilliant. preferably one who does not have a girlfriend. i was talking to a bosnian kid for a while, but he acted like i was dumb for asking him questions. so i got a little upset and haven't talked to him since. i didn't freak or anything, that's not me. but i let him know that i in fact, am not stupid. it's just hard because even though i actually went out and went to that party, i couldn't bring myself to let loose. i feel so young and little compared to everyone, even though half of them were my age or possibly even younger. and i get so intimidated. and i feel worthless. and this is how it was before i got a boyfriend, and i hated myself. and now i don't really hate myself, but i know i need to change it to be who i want to be. but idk how to do that. and it's becoming an issue. and i do realize i have only been single for a month, but i feel like once i was free i should have been able to fulfill all those thoughts and desires i had when i was with someone. and maybe i only had them out of spite. who knows. i just want to be normal, whatever that is. i want to be respected and i want to be beautiful. i just wish being beautiful didn't involved weighing 100 lbs. being beautiful is more something that comes with time, something that people can see in you and know that you are a good person. and i know i'm a good person. and i know i want to gain the respect and trust of every single person around me. and i know that i mostly have. but it's still not good enough. no matter how hard i try i'm always second best. and maybe that's just how my life it going to be, i'm always going to be in second place. and i would be willing to except it and move on but now i know that is not what i want for my life, not all the time. i don't want to be the person who backs up everything and does good deeds with out getting recognized. that is who i've always been and i always end up like this. is there something wrong with me? i feel invisible. and it's really wearing me thin. i want somebody who understands, i want somebody who can make me feel comfortable with myself. and it would be totally awesome if i could do that. if i could be able to make my own happiness. but right now i can't, and i don't want to wait to give it time because at this moment the pain doesn't feel worth it.
you know how they always say, "do unto others as you would want them to do unto you"? you know the golden rule? it doesn't work. i do everything in my power to be the type of person i would want to know. i try everything in my power to treat others as i want to be treated. but i don't get it back, ever. instead i get blamed for stealing, and called a "little bitch". i want to give up being this person. i want to just throw it all away and be that dumb blonde girl that everyone loves because they feel smarter than her. but i can't because that isn't me, and if it were i would throw up. i'm deeper than that.
i just need somebody. and thank God for my friends..amy, sam, shawna <3>
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