i'm going to be ok. i spent an hour last night in my room writing, literally paper and pencil, writing down my thoughts. and you know what? i feel better. i got it all out. i know what's wrong with me. now i just need to learn how to fix it. and one thing that i know will take away my fears is falling in love again. its scary and yes, i'm afraid of getting hurt. but what if? what if i find that person that proves me wrong, that shows me what it is like to love and be loved in return. and i guess...maybe it doesn't have to be love that i'm after. but maybe just a nice sweet guy who can show me that i do matter, that i'm not a worthless cuntbag, excuse my language. i just need to feel right with a guy, feel like i can trust them. then maybe i'll be fixed...well aside from the anxiety and fears i've newly retained.
but my god to i want jake. it's getting out of hand, like i'm actually letting myself get attached to him. no no no no no! i can't do that, not because i'm scared of falling for someone or any of that hoo ha but because, well clearly i am not his type. yeah sometimes i feel like he flirts with me, but he does with everyone. i'm nothing special, just some chick he works with. so i need to move on. now only if i could find someone else to move on to..there is always jason. and i know that i don't want him, and it's not just because of his looks. he's way to depressed for me. i'm trying to move out of that part of my life, and if i get into anything serious with him...well i'd be moving right back into it. he's not a happy person. i mean yeah, he acts happy on the outside..but what about when he can't act happy anymore? who is he then? that's what i don't like about him. he told me as a kid he never smiled and his dad always told him he needed to smile more. i'm sorry, but i can't save him. i tried that once and i just got fucked over. not that he is anything like that buttttt..i don't want to get hurt. not now. not ever. but especially not now because i just got out of something way worse than i could have ever imagined. and at this point in my life, i'm trying to hard to get back to where i was before all of it happened. and it would not be worth it to be brought down by him. because i have worked..and i'm still working to be happy with myself. i can't afford to lose that all to somebody who isn't happy at all. i like him as a friend..and maybe i do have feelings for him, but they aren't boyfriend girlfriend feelings. it's nothing serious, i just want to talk to him to get to know him...to be his friend and maybe occasionally make out with him at parties (which was a mistake btw). I think doing that made him think i wanted something more..but i was so drunk, i can honestly say i don't remember a bit of it.
idk. i'm having trouble figuring out who i am, and it's going to take me a lot longer than i ever intended because it was taken away from me for a very long time. i feel good right now, i'm getting stronger. i'm not afraid to say what i think in most situations...but not all. i'm happy. and i used to think that was too much to ask for. i used to scream at God, convinced he must hate me because he was letting me suffer. Convinced he wanted me to die, that he was on the wrong side. but...that was just a bunch of nonsense. i was blinded, and while i'm still trying to find that reconnection with God, i know he wasn't out to get me. that was ridiculous, and i know i said somethings that, to be honest, i'm not sure he can forgive me for. but it's done and it's getting fixed..and i hope to never be that low again. because the pain was over the top. i just wish i would have gotten out sooner than i did. but that's just it, i got out, i had to be forced...but i'm out. and i'm living and i'm having fun and experiencing life. and i've got the greatest friends in the whole world, i couldn't ask for anything better at this time in my life. and i can only see things going up from here...
my gpa is up, and if i retake that english class i'll be back to above a 3.0
i smile, everyday
i haven't had a break down in four months
i'm not smoking = D
i actually have my money
i'm getting a new phone
no fights with my parents
no drama
got new tires...
and i'm reconnecting with the people who made me who i am
you know? i seriously couldn't ask for anything more. it's a miracle.
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