ugh, idk what to do. i can't get fuck face out of my mind...it's like i think about him once or twice a day. and then when is start thinking about him all the bad memories come flooding back and then i start thinking about what i would do to him if i saw him or talked to him. its super weird, and idk what to do. i'm over him, i am SO over him. i have no feelings left for him except for hatred. And i realize he was a big part of my life...2 years is a long time. but i never realized it would haunt me like this, and i don't know how to get the fuck over it. i know i don't love him, and i know i love justin and i want to be with justin for as long and life permits. and i feel bad thinking about what i'm thinking about...it seems partially unfaithful. it seems like i'm cheating on justin because he isn't the only one on my mind. i just need to convince myself that these thoughts i'm having don't mean anything because even if i were to talk to or see "him" again, it would be bad. i would freak out and i have a panic attack and get pissy. just because all the bad stuff is stuck in my head...i think about the two times he hit me over and over constantly. and it is sickening. people get beat up all the time, so why can't i just forget about it in and move on. i shouldn't have to deal with this. its not my fault, its not my problem. i just want it out of my mind becuase i don't want justin to know it still causes me anxiety and fear, that what "he" did still pains me. and it doesn't hurt because i love him anymore, actually for the last year of the relationship i didn't love him...and maybe i never even loved him at all. so i know justin is the only one i truly love, he is the ONLY ONE for me and that is how i want it to be. he treats me right, he apologizes he does what he says he's going to do. and i swear to god if he ever calls me a bitch or the c word...i will freak the fuck out. because that is all 'he' called me...i was never beautiful or sweet or wonderful or perfect. i need justin, i need him to prove to me that i can get over this with his love. but how do i do that when i don't want to admit to justin what is going on in my head? when i can't admit that 'he' is still there...and you know, maybe it isn't even 'him' in my head. maybe i'm just making it a bigger deal that it has to be made. maybe i'm psychotic...maybe i need somebody to seriously sit me down and tell me that i'm not going to be haunted forever. who the fuck knows...i just want to get over it, like i can get over everything else. nothing hurts anymore, because i've been so damaged that nothing even compares to the pain i felt, so it can't hurt. and here i am pouring my heart out to you, and what are you going to do?? nothing. i need this to go away! i haven't felt like crying forever, i'm too strong to let it bother me. but here i am in my raw un-gaurded anger, and what do i feel like doing??? crying. i feel like bawling my eyes out to justin of all people. i want him here so badly,. and even if i didn't tell him what was going on in my mind at least i could hug him and feel the true love that i deserve and i could be whisked away in bliss, even if it was just for a second. i want my baby.

ok. i can do this...i can be strong, i can move on. i'm beautiful, i'm caring, i'm capable of loving and of being loved. i have the perfect boyfriend who would do anything for me, and i have the best friends and family who would be there for me in a heartbeat. i'm doing good,and i love my life!