these late nights waiting for justin to get here are bad for my heart..i think. i thought he was getting off work at 11...but he isn't getting off until 1. and i want to see him so bad it hurts...idk if i can wait a couple more hours. i'm so emotional. its scary..and i know it i just because i'm pmsing..i hope. i feel like i'm going to start..and i'm suppose to start, like now. but its really light..and i'm kinda worried i might be preggo. it sure doesn't feel like i am tho, not that i would know what it feels like, but i'm having cramps like a mother fucker. so idk. i'm just sad..i hate waiting. and i just want my baby. thats all, i don't care about anything else. i went to my work meeting, i did my homework...and now i'm just sitting here and it is only 11:15. and i can't stop thinking about how bad i just want to see him now. and if i had the choice i would make him be here..lol but i'm not that kind of person, and i wouldn't do that anyways, to anyone. i just miss him and i want a hug and a kiss and to cuddle. i seriously feel like i'm going to get sick bc i miss him so bad. is this normal? i don't want to be like dependent on him or any of that shit...because i'm a very independent woman. sounds kinda retarded...but i've worked really hard to be that way, and i don't want that all to just fall apart because i fell in love. i can't like that happen...no. fuck i'm so sad. wtf! i hate having emotions and shit...i just want to be happy and not think about the stupid shit. but justin is the ONLY person who will make me stop thinking about what i can't stop thinking about. it is really frusterating...bc he isn't around me all the time like i need him to me. ...did you hear that? i need him! ugh, what am i turning into? you know maybe its not that bad...maybe falling in love doesn't have to mean i have no life, maybe falling in love means i can still be myself. in fact, justin has shown me nothing but just that. he lets me be who i am...and lets me hang with my friends. i get to make decisions for me. i guess i just don't know how to deal with that because in my last relationship i had no life outside of us. literally..i wasn't allowed to. and i can tell you straight up i'm never going to let that happen again. ever. i'm too good for any of that shit. idk if that is cocky or selfish..or whatever. but i can honestly say i don't care about any of that shit anymore. who cares about what people think of me?? i sure as hell don't. ok well i do...but not my peers. i remember when i used to be soooo fuckin worried about being accepted. like to the point where i would cry and try to change as much as i could that way people who just like me. and i guess in a way i'm still kinda like that...but instead of changing i've come to accept that the me who i actually am, people like. and even if they don't...well then quite frankly they aren't worth my time. plain and simple.
i'm so bored. and tired...i think i'm going to fill out some more lame ass surveys and fall asleep til justin gets here. bc i can assure you i would definitely cry if he didn't come tonight =(
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