i don't know what i want to talk about. i'm listening to thoughtful and intriguing country music. i reconnected with my middle school counselor. and that might sound kind of stupid, but she was one of those people who really shaped my life and made me who i am. so it's special. i found her on facebook and she asked what i was up too..i just spent the last half hour spilling the past five years of my life to her. lol it might have been to much. but i need to tell someone you know? she's one of those people who i can just feel okay to talk with. and idk if thats because she was my counselor, i don't really care. I don't want to think to much about what people think any more...and you know that is kind of hard to change, but it will be so worth it when i'm not locked in this shell anymore. i keep having flashbacks...about he who shall not be named. i hate it. its all the bad things. and they are so bad..and i want them to go away. he doesn't know how much he hurt me. hell, i don't even know how much he hurt me. but i just don't want to feel it anymore. it was so stupid of me to even think i could have anything special. and i know it wasn't my fault, but i wanted it to be better so bad. and there was never a chance of that happening, but i stupidly thought there was because he kept telling me it would be okay. it's never going to be okay. i'm sorry, it's just not. it's sick to think about..but this shit is going to going through my head for the rest of my fucking life. i'm super claustrophobic now, and i can't trust any man except my daddy. i want myself back more than anything. and my god i hope he realizes what he took from me. god dammit i hope he does. but i don't think he has the heart too...or much for brain cells left. my heart hurts. why can't i find somebody who will make it better? i just need somebody to prove to me that it's not going to happen again...i need that trust to be better. i feel like a fucking mental patient. and maybe i am..maybe thats what i need. but i'm too scared to call out for it. i don't believe in myself anymore, i have zero self confidence. i can't even dress up because he didn't like it when i did. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. i'm sick of bottling this up...but honestly sometimes it just doesn't bother me. and i know i'm not crying because i miss him, because i never want to see his fat ass again. even thinking about seeing him gives me a panic attack. like when i thought he was going to be at amanda's mom's funeral..i seriously started crying. now, i'm sorry, but that's not normal. i can't see myself with anyone..i can't see myself getting married. i'm seriously scared shitless. like even thinking about it...i'm scared, i don't think i can do it. i was hoping that ignoring it would help me get over it. but no..it's making worse. sometimes i feel like people don't get it. like i tell them and they just shrug it off as no big deal. which maybe to them it isn't because they have never felt the way i did...i literally cussed at God because i was convinced he wanted me to be miserable and wanted me to die. now i don't even know if i believe in God. he who shall not me named made me feel worthless, stupid, insignificant, not important..and like less of a human being. to the point where i didn't want to be a human being at all. i'm happier now, i have my friends back..i don't want to die. i haven't hurt myself for a very long time. and i'm proud of myself. but then there are times like these..when i wonder wtf happened to me?! and i realized that there are some bruises that are never going to be gone. and i start to think..if only i hadn't done it, if only...but it's not my fault and that could be pounded into my head a thousand times and i would still feel like i was to blame. and that's because that's how HE made me feel, and i listened to it and believed it for 3 fucking years.

idk...maybe some day i'll be ok...but i don't have nething else to say right now.