here i go again. being all lonely and shit. you know, i actually told sam that i might get married. that's not nomral, i don't even intend on getting married because i'm so freaking scared of it. hell i'm scared of dating because i got so fucked over last time. i can handle the random hookups, the no emotions attached thing. that's okay with me, but what is going to happen when i find i guy that i'm really attracted to, and not just in the physical sense? i have a feeling i'm going to take off running, and i do not want it to be that way. i don't want to be afraid. i want to be able to give someone my heart and trust them with it, and take theirs as well. i want to be connected to another human being on an emotional level so badly. i want a boyfriend, but i get so nervous. yes, i like jake. i can't deny that. but do i just like him because i can? do i just like him because he's purely sex to me, or do i really like him as a person? hell, i barely even know him. i don't know if he's attracted to me. sure he talks to me, at work. i want it to be more so badly, but i want him to do it. i don't want to seem creepy. i feel like i'm on a lower level than he is, and i know that if we're meant to be that won't matter. but who the hell knows what this is, sometimes i feel like i'm just imagining the whole damn thing. but i want it so bad. this is so stupid. i wouldn't be so fucked up if i hadn't of...well you know. i just want to cry. because there is so much about me that has changed and i want it to be back to it was more than anything. i want my self confidence, i want inner beauty. i don't want to cower away from the things i want because i'm afraid of getting shot down. i don't want to run away when emotions get involved, i want a healthy emotional state. and most of the time i have that, but not when it comes to relationships. i find myself crying because i'm alone..but yet i find myself crying because i don't want a relationship. i want to focus on me and my schoolwork...but to be honest i'm sick of it. and it would be so nice to have a distraction right now. and the boys i have to choose from to distract me...aren't what i would really pick. i'm sure they are great friends, but for some reason they both seem to think that there is potential with me and them. and there is not. i'm not attracted to either and i really don't want to lead them on. its really very frustrating because i want to open up to them, i want to have a guys opinion and someone strong to lean on...but if i open up to them that puts me in a situation where i can get hurt. and when i'm vulnerable like that these boys think that is their chance to swoop in and save me. THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT. and i also do not want to hurt them, which is what i've been known to do. "she's all talk but no action". i don't want to be action..i want to be what someone needs. and that doesn't mean i want to take care of them..but i want to be that girl that that boy needs by her to complete her. and i know it's a bunch of love story bullshit. but i love that feeling, i love being special to someone. and i miss it, i miss it soooo much. its so retarded how upset i am about this, but its like my friends are dropping one by one to these amazing guys...and i'm stuck here, scared and alone. i can't deny that it isn't great being single, i love my freedom i love the relationships i have with my friends. but i know that the perfect guy is not going to stop me from doing what i want, i'll still be able to have my friends and my freedom. where the hell is he. i haven't even been waiting that long and i'm already retarded about this. how long has it been? four months...and i can at least pride myself for being completely moved on. but i want somebody to move on with. i wish i could fill this with random hook ups and sex...but that just feels good and if i tried to connect to that person i would only get hurt. this is a really complicated place i'm in...and it's only within me. i'm so glad i don't have the issues i used to have...the whole dying cutting shit. that was way to distracting..and by overcoming that i know i can overcome this and i can be ok. i've heard that guys are attracted to confidence..so that's what my next self improvement process is. i'm going to develop my confidence...maybe i'm doing this for jake...but more than anything i'm doing this for myself because i need to be a strong person again. and that's who i'm going to be.

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