picture perfect girl

so this is the second time i've set up a new blog because i don't want to look at or see my depressing stories from my ex. my promise to myself right now at the beginning of this blog is to NEVER mention that boy or talk about him because he made my life hell and i'm way happier with out him = )

now that i got that out of the way...

the iowa teacher of the year just came and spoke to my foundations of education class, and she was brilliant. even though i have no desire at this point in my life to be an english teacher of any sorts, i really look up to her because she knows how it all works and she's like a goddess at it. I really aspire to be the kind of person she is, i mean she has it all together AND is wonderful at her job and of course she's beautiful. lucky duck. maybe, eventually when i figure out who i am i will be able to be like her. because at this point i just don't know who i am. he took that away from me, and i'm struggling so hard to figure it out. and for some reason i want it to happen right now. like BAM i'm ok with everything. but...unfortunately it just doesn't work that way. and i'm not being patient whatsoever. i'm struggling with this no boy thing, i feel like i'm just not attractive and that's why i can't find a boy. which i know isn't true because i know i'm not hideous, but i'm not like those "picture perfect girls". whom actually kind of make me sick. i just don't understand why everyone would want to look and act exactly the same. i mean to an extent i get it, to get accepted or whatever. to get the boys. but i'm not like them and i feel like a disease. and i guess all this negativity is coming from the break up, i lost myself and my confidence along the way and i guess it is going to take some time to gain it back. and i'm trying to let it, i'm trying to just "go with the flow" but what the hell is the 'the flow' exactly? i feel like i can't just let things happen, its not as easy as it seems. i want to be in control of my life because if i'm not i get so lost and confused and stressed out. sometimes i just have so much on my plate that my brain feels like its going to explode. and i have no outlet because my roomates have begun to suck, and i'm alone. also, i have no pet..which is a weird situation for me because i've always had a pet and i feel like i can get attached to animals and they won't turn their backs on me. maybe i'm just crazy, i'm not sure. but this is a really akward point in my life and i'm trying to fix it. so i'm going to try to get on here more often and figure out my thoughts one by one, delve through them, and then maybe possibly figure out who i can really be = )