don't stop believin'.

well it's a new school year tomorrow.

my senior year of college.

whew.

i made it.

it's a weird feeling...knowing i'm the oldest.

and i'm going to graduate and never come back.

i'm super fucking freaked out.

literally...

this scares the shit out of me.

i haven't even taken my GRE..

and i plan on going to graduate school?!

wtf.

i need to get on that.

now.

after everything settles down...

anyways.

i'm getting my internship set up.

i start wednesday :)

i'm super pumped.

however, the roommate situation is not...okay right now.

and if this is any predictor of the rest of the year.

fuck my life.

it's all about them..

basically i'm the awkward third wheel that nobody cares about.

basically i'm invisible.

thus is my life...and has always been.

guys don't "like" me..

and i'm not talking about alec, or sexually or any shit.

i mean like...as a buddy.

they don't even take the time to get to know me.

and it's really fucking gay.

because i'm really fucking left out.

fuckity fuck fuck.

oh well...

even tho i don't get to see anna or shawnanana that much.

i love them most and they will be my best friends for ever :)

so there are a million different emotions going on inside of tiny little me right now.
i moved back to school today..
it's going to be a long hard year with the two that are connected at the hip.
i am their roommate too, and they can't stand to share things with me.
it is like they are a force acting against anna and i.
la la la whatever.
i went to the stand around with them...and they just talked to their friends and kind of left me in the dust.
so..
naturally i got annoyed and met up with alec.
he took me back to his place and made me a drink..
then we started watching a movie...
then he kissed me..
and i kissed him back...
and yadda yadda.
we almost went all the way but i said no.
i honestly don't think i could handle it.
it would make things way more complicated than they need to be.
hell, they are getting complicated anyways.
so yeah...
that happened and it was fun.
and i'm sure it will happen again..
and i'm sure i'll get freaked out and run away.
i just can't handle having feelings for him.
i don't want to.
and i'm starting to get them..
and it's freaking me out.
i want to be okay with it..
i want to like him as much as he likes me.
but no.
i can't..
there is a wall built up there.
i need time.
time to get to know him.
time to get to know us together.
time for me to make up my mind.
blahhh...
i have to work in the morning.

loves what i got, don't start a riot.

life is crazy.

things happen that we can't explain.

people pass.

new life is born.

there is pain and sorrow,

as well as joy and laughter.

friendships form and are lost.

people fight and make up.

but do the bad things really matter?

shouldn't we be celebrating the good in it all?

celebrating life.

new life.

passed life.

the fact that we even have a life to live, that is ours.

it is beautiful really.

and painful.

and so wonderfully human.

people waste so much time thinking about themselves,

and everything that is going wrong.

when instead they should be recognizing that we all need each other.

humanity is a whole.

everything we do in interconnected.

so here's to not wasting my time sweating the small things.

making people smile for no damn reason.

and loving with all i've got.

because after all,

i only have one life to live.

and this life is mine...

and i'm going to make the most out of it.

i'm going to spend less time worrying about what other people think.

and spend less time worrying about my weight...

because that petty selfish stuff doesn't matter in the long run.

what matters is love and caring.

and being human in all aspects.

if we all just learned to love each other,

and not be afraid of each other's weaknesses and faults.

there would be world peace.

there would be happiness, and health, and beauty.

and all those magically beautiful things you could ever dream of.

worldly riches and greed don't matter.

what matters is you...

and how you fit into this wonderful beautiful succulent place we call earth.

life's a dance you learn as you go

sometimes i have trouble dealing with what happens at work.

i figure it out eventually.

but for a time...i feel awful and i can't stop reeling the situation through my head.

i realize that i may take things too personally.

and it is not me that the kids are reacting to per say.

but something that is going on within themselves,

or at home perhaps.

or maybe that is just the way they are.

i have after all been studying psychology for quite a few years.

i some what understand how people work,

and why they do the things they do.

but i admit...

i don't understand it all that well, i am not all knowing.

although i wish i as because then i wouldn't be having these feelings.

but whatever...that isn't exactly my point.

my point is what happened at work today.

there is this child.

who was and angel last year, we had fun, and could joke around.

but i guess he has been becoming more comfortable with us.

so now the true emotions come out.

he yelled at pam a few weeks ago.

and we've never seen that side of him before, kind of scary.

but i guess that is who he actually is.

and today i witnessed a little bit of the "real" kid.

i had asked him to tie his shoes.

he said no.

and i did it for him because he was in the middle of a kick ball game.

that's a big deal you know, and i didn't want him to trip and fall on his face.

i shouldn't have done it.

made me look like a push over.

but whatever.

i figured he was just joking around so i gave him a little push and made a funny face at him.

he just stared.

so,

that was done and over with...

i went to take another child in to the bathroom.

and i was just watching them play kickball as i was walking back to the playground.

and he looks at me and says, "what are you looking at?"

not jokingly at all...it was mean.

and then a little later he was crying because none of his friends wanted to play with him.

now...if he was being that rude to his friends.

it's no wonder.

but, i don't want to make that assumption.

i just want to say...

that i feel bad.

and i am taking it personally i suppose.

i feel like for some reason he is against me...

and i'm definitely not out to get him.

i like him.

i think he is a good kid, and he is really funny.

and all these thoughts keep going through my head.

what did i do wrong?

i've never had a run in with him...

i have never had to yell at him.

i just feel bad.

i'm sure by the next time he comes to daycare this will all be done and over with.

but i think my problem is really...

that i just don't know how to deal with it.

i want things to be okay between us because it's not okay for him to run me over.

and it is not okay for him to be so sad he is crying.

it's hard for me.

and i just want to talk to him about it...

ask him if we're okay.

but i know that isn't going to work with him, because he's a little boy.

i honestly don't even know where i'm going with this.

i more or less just needed to get it off my chest.

like i said...i'm sure that it will all be fine and dandy tomorrow, or next time he is there.

but for now..

it's just ugh.

and i need to learn how to deal with these situations better,

and be able to protect myself from these emotions.

what i found about myself is that i have to go through the experience to know what to do.

i can't just learn about it.

i need to be there and figure things out for myself.

now clearly this doesn't happen the first time,

it takes some thinking over, and fixing what i've done wrong.

i've got to work on getting over this and figuring out how to deal with things.

after all this is the field that i'm going into...and i can't just fuck things up and go back to fix them later.

good thing i've got this job, and i can learn as i go.

without this job i wouldn't be learning,

and without this job i wouldn't know what i want to do with my life.

so, truly i am grateful for that :)

so today.

just might have been the craziest day at work ever.

mass chaos.

i mean...

the first day of school is always crazy.

especially with all of these psycho little kiddos.

but holy were they excited.

i wish i could get that excited about school!

back to schoool back to schoooool.

we have a few new employees who are still in high school.

so that's kind of hard because they can't be left alone with the kids...

and we have to accommodate to that.

which is okay.

but it was so hectic trying to teach them what to do

and trying to do what i needed to do.

andddd trying to teach the new kids what to do.

plus my little clingons.

i love the shit outta them i really do..

but i have a job to do and i need to do it and you need to get off my back!

literally, these kids are like monkeys.

i love em to death though.

when i leave i'm going to cry my eyes out for like 87 days straight.

no joke.

my computer is really hot on my lap.

ugh.

everything else seems to be going great as of now.

i'm feeling all inspirationally with my quotes that i've been finding on stumbleupon.

best website ever.

seriously.

it is fun and i just love what i find out about life.

i love reading what other people have to say about how to just be.

and how creative they are.

that used to be me you know.

i have all this shit from when i was younger...

from my depressed young self.

and it was so beautiful.

i wish i could still find it in me.

but there have been too many things

that have led me astray from that.

it is pretty sad.

i mean...

everybody changes.

and i am a much stronger and well rounded person now than i was back then.

but what was going on inside of me

it just turned into something beautiful.

and i know that i could have gone far with that.

but i just don't feel as inspired as i used to.

i'm glad i've gotten back into writing again though..

it makes me feel good because i have so much going on inside of me.

i just need to get it out once in a while.

the computer is making me sweat...

ciao!

Insight Into The Mind Of A Stranger (clipped to polyvore.com)

our state fair is the best state fair, don't miss it don't even be late :)

don't you just love seeing my face everyday?

thought so :)

i had a super productive, fun-filled weekend.

and i'm happy.

friday i went to the fights with jess.

it was awkward seeing he who shall not be named there.

but it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be.

mostly because he looked so icky.

serious mountain man beard.

so fucking gross.

i am so happy that part of my life is over.

then jess and i went to kegstand and had a fucking amazing time being awesome.

got drunk.

smelled some hot wings.

i need them.

then hit up perkins.

anyways, saturday i went shopping.

a lot.

and only got one thing.

which sucked.

but if you've ever had gigantor tits you know that bra shopping is torture.

serious, painful, bloody hell.

so i didn't get any of those.

and also, my mom told me she is ditching me to go to COLORADO on my bday.

which okay,

go to colorado.

i'm going to be 22.

it's not like a milestone or any of that shit.

but after all the drama i've been through with her this summer...

the least she could give me is my birthday.

she is going to see the guy she was with at sweetcorn fest.

but did i mention..

devin has been here all weekend?

the woman seriously needs to make up her mind.

i mean shit..

i know what it feels like to be confused and love someone and not want to love them anymore.

but come on.

one second she's done with him...

and going to colorado to spend a week with a dude who "treats her right".

and the next second he is staying the weekend.

i'll never understand.

what's done is done in my opinion.

anyways...

today i moved some more stuff into school.

saw catherine, corie, and alec.

it was a good time.

i got my closet space.

not very much...

but it'll due.

then i went to dinner with jodi and the family.

and then went to the fair.

so awesome.

lee brice was playing on the free stage.

and he is sexy mcsexerton.

i seriously am i love with him

and would definitely have his babies.

so sam and i watched him for a while.

then just walked around the fair and drank our margaritas.

i am craving HOT WINGS.

and sam was going to buy some for me...

but low and behold.

THEY WERE OUT OF CHICKEN.

how is a fucking chicken place out of chicken?

i seriously think i might die.

this is not okay.

this stems from friday night when i smelled the hotwings by the way.

and now i'm home and exhausted.

i'm so excited to go back to work tomorrow though.

it is going to be all normal and shit.

love my life.

what you feel is what you are,

and what you are is beautiful.

postsecret knows my life.

this year is going to be a long, stressful, uphill battle.

catherine and corie think they are hott shit.

they get everything just because they had to "move" the furthest.

when i got there today to bring my stuff...

they literally took all the closest space.

i asked where i was supposed to put my stuff.

they said anna would share her closet with me...

which anna never told me.

i would think that that would be something she would talk to me about.

but no, she didn't.

because that wasn't okay.

they also took my dresser away.

i specifically picked that one out because it had a BIG drawer.

i mean fuck.

if they get all the closet space,

why should i not get a big drawer?

and i know they took it,

there was no sneaking around that one.

i mentioned it to cat...

that it would be nice to have a big drawer.

and she asked if i wanted it..

i said no.

what was i supposed to say?

they already had the ones i wanted filled!

okay.

i realize this is a stupid and silly thing to get pissed about.

and i wasn't pissed about it earlier.

but i can't use anna's closet.

it's a goddamn rule.

and i just know it is going to cause a huge fuss that i have to share the closets with them

they don't NEED that many clothes.

i have less then half of what either of them have.

and i don't bring anything extra to school,

unless i buy something.

which is not very often because, alas,

i am broke as fuck.

i am getting more and more annoyed as i think about it.

i really am pissed off.

they can suck a d.

seriously?

just because i'm not there doesn't mean i don't deserve what they get.

it's totally a dick move.

ashley and i shared a tiny ass closet last year.

and we survived...

did we not???

i just don't understand what they are thinking.

and it is hurting me because it seems as though i mean nothing.

like i am less than them.

which really...

who's the bigger person here?

i just agreed to everything they said.

to avoid argument?

absolutely.

but i'll take what i can get.

i'm not going to fight about it.

it's not my place to tell them what they can and cannot do.

it is anna's.

and she is going to.

i secretly hope she doesn't make me look like that bad guy though.

because i did text her...

and tell her they didn't let me have any closet space.

i really wish this year it was just anna and i.

but that isn't going to happen.

and apparently catherine and corie are going to treat me like shit.

i'm going to snap.

i can feel it already.

after all this shit i've been through with my mom and held in...

i'm not sure i can take being nice any more.

i might just throw myself a little fucking fit.

a well deserved fit at that.

you know...

i realize life is not fair.

but,

i am sick and tired of being a push over.

of just taking what i'm givin.

of being "the nice guy".

if working with pam and at the daycare has taught me anything...

it is that i can't always be nice.

i can't be everyone's friend.

and i just have to fucking learn how to deal with it.

i love myself.

i love the person i have become,

and the person i am becoming.

but you know what i would love even more?

to not be a damn pushover.

that is all i have ever been.

and honestly it makes me sick.

i know exactly why i've become this way.

i know exactly what has made me into this

delicate, scared, piece of human flesh.

and i think that is what pisses me of the most.

i know what it is.

and i can't do a damn thing about it.

there will come a time...

but that time is not now.

i don't know when it will be.

or even if it will ever come.

but when i get that chance...

damn will it feel good.

on a bit of a brighter note...

i am absolutely ecstatic to get back to a regular routine at work.

i miss pam.

we spent monday and tuesday working on the center.

and i think we are just so much alike that by the end we were fighting.

you know,

she is the biggest reason i'm learning that i need to stand up for myself.

she has made me a stronger person.

and i hate that i've been showing my weak side lately.

but with the new school year,

brings new beginnings.

i start my internship,

and i couldn't be more nervously excited.

i just know i'm going to love it.

but...

i am going into my senior year.

it's scary.

i have to take the GRE...and apply to grad school.

i want to shit myself i'm so scared.

but the longer i'm in school...

the longer i can put off being a big girl...

right??

damn.

there are so many emotions inside of me.

i hate being a mess inside.

i hate hiding stuff from everyone.

but i'm the strong one...

i put up with shit the best.

everyone falls down sometimes.

but now is my time to stand.

and i 'm not going to let this bullshit get in my way.

i'm going to enjoy my life.

look passed the flaws.

the grass is always greener on the other side.

la la la whatever.

la la la oh well.

la la la it doesn't matter....

la la la.

so here i am.

loving life.

i got to see my whole family this weekend.

well maybe not the whole shabang,

but i got to see the people that matter.

the ones i miss the most.

and the ones i don't...

that only show up for big events.

who never seem to care unless something happens.

but that's whatever.

i got to see my aunt jayjay and my cousins ana and alex.

and what a wonder that was!

i hate that they moved to arizona,

i grew up with them.

i miss them.

and i really look up to my aunt.

i feel like her and i are alike in more ways than one.

but you would never know,

because we are never together.

i wanted to hang out with them more.

yes i saw my long lost family.

but i missed the damned sweet corn festival for them.

the first year i'm legal to drink!

not that i didn't last year ;)

but it would have been a blast...

my mom went and apparently she had THE BEST SWEETCORN EVER!!!

she met up with some guy she was in love with in high school.

and banged him.

thus is my life.

i wouldn't have run into any body i was in love with...

and i wouldn't have banged them.

although, last time i went out in adel i made out with jonas.

awkward.

you know, i really had a great weekend with family.

i wouldn't have gotten that if i went to sweetcorn.

i love them.

all of them.

as neurotic and insane as they are.

they are who i am.

they make me.

and i love every damn second of it.

there is never a dull moment.

there are stories and memories...

apparently i fed alex paint?

it is just the greatest feeling in the world to be around them.

and i am so sad that i can't be around them more.

i'm sad we don't live close.

i'm sad they moved away.

but what can you do?

it's not like i have the money to travel to phoenix!

thank god for facebook, huh?

well i'm sleepy...

i just wanted to say that i love my family.

and they will always be a part of me.

and no matter what,

i'll never be ashamed of that.

xoxo.

i saw a guy on a motorcycle today.
that's all.
it was a dude, with black hair.
on a motorcycle.
i had been doing so well.
but the instant i saw him my heart panged.
and it hurt.
i am still not over justin.
wtf is wrong with me?!
so i've heard that it takes double the time you were dating someone to get over them.
okay.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN 2 MONTHS AGO.
i should be over him by now.
right?
wrong.
i hate my life.
and i miss the fuck out of him.
and i was hoping he would turn around.
but after 8 months...
it's hopeless and i need to move on.
but i don't want to.
i don't want to like anyone.
i don't want to day.
i do want to have sex...
but that is besides the point.
i am scared of an emotional investment.
shocking?
i know.
i'm always the "strong" one.
the "down to earth won't lose her head" one.
i don't want to be that anymore.
i just want to be taken care of.
it's sickening really.
but i want someone to cater to me for once..
and take care of what i need.
obviously that is too much to ask.
and i can't let go of who i am enough to let that happen.
but, still.
that's what i want.
doesn't mean i'm going to get it.
and i'm sure as fuck not going to pout about it outside of this little world inside my head.
but, still.
i'm really starting to think i may never get over him.
well..that might be far fetched.
i mean, i've got the rest of my life and all.
but regardless...it seems as though it is never ending.
i thought i was over it.
and then some stupid jack ass comes speeding passed me on a damn motorbike...and woooo there i go again.
fuck it.
i hate emotions, and i feel like i have been trying to deal with this specific one for a trillion years.
i kind of just want to punch this specific emotion right in the left nut.
but clearly that is impossible.
so i will just have to deal...
and be okay with things...
and move on...
and not be an asshole.
the end.

la la la whatever

apparently sleeping is something my body does not want to do tonight.
i'm tired, i'm exhausted.
but i'm not having any of that.
i guess.
my nose is really annoying my and getting my on my nerves.
it has been clogged, and bugging me for at least 2 months straight now.
i could thank allergies,
or the awesome second hand smoke i'm accustomed to everyday.
whatever it is.
it needs to stop.
now.
this is not okay.
i want to sleep.
sleep should not be too much to ask for.
i'm seriously half tempted to take a nyquil dose.
in fact that is what i am going to do.
right now.
yuck.
that shit is nasty.
i got "normal flavor" in the off brand at wal mart.
apparently that means "black licorice shoved up a donkey's ass".
i might vomit.
no, no.
i'm okay.
so my mom has this thing going on with her ex.
and i'm going to take this time to unload.
until i get seriously loopy from the nasty ass nyquil.
so apparently he cheated on her.
and she found out by creeping on him.
something i could never do, because i am not a creep.
but she is, i guess.
she even stalked him outside the bar.
and then was disappointed because he didn't go home with anybody.
shocking.
really.
anyways...she wants to get back together with him.
and nothing else matters.
if we have plans,
fuck them.
her ex says what are you up to...
and all hell breaks loose.
she needs to see him.
right now.
or she will die.
it's getting ridiculous really.
and as much as i hate the man for being a lying cheating bastard hole.
i wish they would just get the fuck back together.
i'm sick of the games.
i'm sick of her crying.
and i'm especially sick of her whining to me every 5 seconds asking for advice.
i have never been cheated on...
what the fuck am i supposed to tel her?
she's asked me so many times i avoid eye contact.
and i have to live with this.
i am not being ridiculous.
she is going to piss me off.
i am going to yell.
then we are both going to cry.
and i don't want that to happen.
i can not wait to move back into school.
it will be a serious breath of fresh-air.
even if my apartments are dry.
and i have le psycho roo,mate.
anything is better than this right now.
i feel like running away.
okay not really because i have nowhere to go.
and i do love her...
she's my best friend and my mom.
butt fuck.
she's either got to trust his bastard hole ass.
or fucking get over it.
and that's that.
and she can't do either!
she is an over analyzing...
creeptastic...
untrustworthy...
i could go on.
but you get the point.
and as much as my life is and is going to revolve around peoples' problems.
i should not have to be my mother's personal counselor.
it is stressing me the fuck out.
i don't have a professional opinion.
i stopped caring.
not about her...about the situation.
and about him.
and the more i hear about it...
the more she wants my help...
the more anal she gets about whatever this is...
the more angry i get.
and the more i want to punch the both of them in the face and tell them to get the over themselves.
i feel like this is completely natural.
i also feeling like i've been complaining too much.
but where else do i have to go really...
i try to talk to my bff4l and she doesn't know what to say except "yeah that sucks" or "i don't blame you"
which is annoying.
and the my other reliable source is exhausting itself.
people just need to grow up.
end of story.
think about others.
stop being selfish.
you have children...that want to spend time with you.
stop texting constantly.
and making 3 hour long phone calls in the middle of our plans.
it's not fair.
we love you.
more than him.
deal with it.

on another note...i had a weird ass dream about pam last night. and since i'm not quite loopy enough to sleep and still slightly coherent, i'm going to go see wtf it means.