life's a dance you learn as you go

sometimes i have trouble dealing with what happens at work.

i figure it out eventually.

but for a time...i feel awful and i can't stop reeling the situation through my head.

i realize that i may take things too personally.

and it is not me that the kids are reacting to per say.

but something that is going on within themselves,

or at home perhaps.

or maybe that is just the way they are.

i have after all been studying psychology for quite a few years.

i some what understand how people work,

and why they do the things they do.

but i admit...

i don't understand it all that well, i am not all knowing.

although i wish i as because then i wouldn't be having these feelings.

but whatever...that isn't exactly my point.

my point is what happened at work today.

there is this child.

who was and angel last year, we had fun, and could joke around.

but i guess he has been becoming more comfortable with us.

so now the true emotions come out.

he yelled at pam a few weeks ago.

and we've never seen that side of him before, kind of scary.

but i guess that is who he actually is.

and today i witnessed a little bit of the "real" kid.

i had asked him to tie his shoes.

he said no.

and i did it for him because he was in the middle of a kick ball game.

that's a big deal you know, and i didn't want him to trip and fall on his face.

i shouldn't have done it.

made me look like a push over.

but whatever.

i figured he was just joking around so i gave him a little push and made a funny face at him.

he just stared.

so,

that was done and over with...

i went to take another child in to the bathroom.

and i was just watching them play kickball as i was walking back to the playground.

and he looks at me and says, "what are you looking at?"

not jokingly at all...it was mean.

and then a little later he was crying because none of his friends wanted to play with him.

now...if he was being that rude to his friends.

it's no wonder.

but, i don't want to make that assumption.

i just want to say...

that i feel bad.

and i am taking it personally i suppose.

i feel like for some reason he is against me...

and i'm definitely not out to get him.

i like him.

i think he is a good kid, and he is really funny.

and all these thoughts keep going through my head.

what did i do wrong?

i've never had a run in with him...

i have never had to yell at him.

i just feel bad.

i'm sure by the next time he comes to daycare this will all be done and over with.

but i think my problem is really...

that i just don't know how to deal with it.

i want things to be okay between us because it's not okay for him to run me over.

and it is not okay for him to be so sad he is crying.

it's hard for me.

and i just want to talk to him about it...

ask him if we're okay.

but i know that isn't going to work with him, because he's a little boy.

i honestly don't even know where i'm going with this.

i more or less just needed to get it off my chest.

like i said...i'm sure that it will all be fine and dandy tomorrow, or next time he is there.

but for now..

it's just ugh.

and i need to learn how to deal with these situations better,

and be able to protect myself from these emotions.

what i found about myself is that i have to go through the experience to know what to do.

i can't just learn about it.

i need to be there and figure things out for myself.

now clearly this doesn't happen the first time,

it takes some thinking over, and fixing what i've done wrong.

i've got to work on getting over this and figuring out how to deal with things.

after all this is the field that i'm going into...and i can't just fuck things up and go back to fix them later.

good thing i've got this job, and i can learn as i go.

without this job i wouldn't be learning,

and without this job i wouldn't know what i want to do with my life.

so, truly i am grateful for that :)