i've got to stop waiting around.
clearly he's not interested anymore.
and if he's going to see me it's going to be when it is convenient for him,
on his time.
not when i want it..
not when i have time.
so i'm done with that.
it's not that i'm necessarily waiting for him..
because i'm not.
if another guy walked into my life and swept me off my feet,
i would have no problem moving on.
i might have a problem trusting..
or you know, believing anything he says.
but i wouldn't be held back by this idea of someone else.
and that's just what it is..
an idea.
nothing is real with him anymore.
he could care less about my feelings...
or what i want.
and that is just something i'm going to have to accept.
and i'm going to have to stop caring about his feelings and what he wants.
because it is blatantly obvious that what he wants and i what i want are polar opposite.
does that suck?
yes.
does that hurt me?
i suppose it does.
but i'm done letting this idea of a situation control my emotions.
i don't want to think about it.
i don't want to worry about it.
i want to be over it!
and fuck, i thought i was.
oh how i wish i was.
it's still deep down inside of me.
this yearning for him..
this thinking that there is something more.
what i've got to realize, is that there isn't anything more.
it doesn't matter how much i feel that there is something..
it doesn't matter how much i want this to happen..
it is not going to.
not right now.
maybe not ever.
and the sooner i realize this the sooner i will be able to move on.
and maybe i just need to let him go..
stop talking to him.
stop getting my hopes up.
i'm sure that would help me move on.
but i'm not sure i'm quite ready for that.
i just hope that one of these days..
i am able to fucking move on with my life.

...that's all.

chuck broke up with me.
he's going through some sort of quarter life crisis.
i don't know.
i'm sad, yes.
i'm not broken hearted.
i wasn't even with him long enough to love him.
so i'm not crushed...
but i am lonely.
so very lonely.
you know, you think you have something good going...
and then you get hit on the head with reality, and it's over just like that.
it sucks because i can barely handle myself right now.
i don't want to be crying over his dumb ass!
you know he said all these things to me..
like, "this must be how it feels to meet the one"
and, "i could really see us growing old together"
and.., "we are going to be inseperable".
there's more too it but i deleted his fucking text messages.
because who reels you in like that and says all those things...
and DOESN'T FUCKING MEAN A SINGLE WORD OF IT?!
apparently i am more angry and hurt than i thought.
i thought we had a connection, i thought there was something special there.
and then one day he stops texting me..and doesn't want to see me.
and dumps me on my ass.
it's like he all the sudden just changed his mind, and shut down.
it's not okay.
i'm trying to act like it's okay, but it's not.
no, i'm not completely heart broken.
yes, i am sad and hurt.
and i'm clearly not over it, even though i really want to be!
i hate being fucking vulnerable and weak.
i hate myself like this.
i didn't cry when he broke up with me..
i didn't cry for a week after he broke up with me..
but now it's been damn near two week and i can't stop fucking crying.
and honestly, i'm not sure if i'm actually crying over him.
or this idea of him that i have stuck in my head.
because it's starting to seem like whatever he was doing was just a fucking show..
just to get me until he got sick of me.
that's not how this shit is suppose to work.
and if he were the one for me it wouldn't work this way.
but god dammit! i wanted him to be the one so bad.
i was actually ready for a relationship..
ready to let down my fucking walls and let somebody in.
and i trusted him..
and i let down my walls..
and now i'm all angry and mushy.
feelings that i never wanted to feel again.
this is exactly why i stayed single for 3 fucking years..
that and nobody is fucking interested in me.
i don't get hit on..
nobody is every attracted to me.
and then he comes along and he is "very attracted to me" and thinks "i'm an amazing person"...
and "lets just run away and get married right now".
bull fucking shit.
learned my lesson i guess.
never fucking believe people when they say shit.
...he completely shattered my trust.
that's what  happened.
it's gone.
i thought i could actually be with somebody.
silly me.
fool me once, shame on  you.
fool me twice, shame on me.
this is the second time this has happened.
this is the second time it has been "bad timing".
fuck.
i'm so angry.
i want to never date again.
that's what i really want.
but i'm so damn lonely..
especially since i just moved and don't live with jessie anymore.
i want somebody.
but i can't have anybody...
the world doesn't want me to right now.
i don't even..
i'm just being dramatic now.
but fuck...just when you think things are going good.
life gets thrown in your face.

i'm a loser baby. so why don't  you kill me.

things with the boyfriend are going amazing.

i was used to talking to him every day...all the time.

when i was able, of course.

then he went and got a new job on me and we weren't able to talk at all.

for like, 3 whole days.

i don't understand why it freaked me out so much. 

oh wait, yes i do.

that's why my ex and i broke up...

ha.

funny story.

he started working more hours and wanted to spend time with his brother...

then he broke up with me and married his ex.

they're divorced now, don't worry.

this ain't no fairy tale. 

anyways...

i was freaking out because he wasn't talking to me.

i know that's stupid.

but it wasn't because i thought he was cheating on me...

or i thought he didn't like me.

i have no doubts in my mind about this one.

which is frightening really.

i just knew he was busy and was at work and he couldn't text me.

whatever right?

well, apparently my brain thought differently and decided to go into panic mode.

so after a couple of days of not talking to him.

and tossing it around in my mind of whether or not the text him and tell him i was freaking out.

i decided to text him and tell him i was freaking out.

in hindsight, i might have sounded a little crazy.

overly attached, whatever.

so i told him..and of course it took forever for him to reply.

and of course i freaked out thinking the worst.

i don't need to go into the details, nobody cares.

but instead of him freaking out and running away, you know what he did?

he said it was going to be okay.

can you believe it.

he was completely and totally there for me.

100%.

what a strange and amazing feeling that was. 

i have never felt like somebody has my back 100%.

i told him i was having crazy anxiety because i missed him and because of this whole move.

(which btw i moved - scary and terrifying also).

and you want to know what he said?

don't have too much anxiety baby. you can get through this, we can get through this!

just like that.

i am in awe.

wonder struck.

he didn't get annoyed.

he didn't run away.

he didn't break up with me.

he said we would get through this together.

me and him.

him and i.

i don't even...

i know it's probably weird how i'm freaking out about this.

it's not that big of a deal.

right?

but it is to me i guess.

i've never had a "we".

it's always been about somebody else.

and their feelings.

and what they wanted to do.

not me.

my opinions and thoughts never mattered.

nobody has ever been there for me like him, and we've not even been dating for a month.

if this is any indication of what the future holds for us...

bring it.

i never thought i could feel like this.

i've always been worried about what the other person thought of me.

trying to tip toe around things they might find annoying.

trying to hide my crazy.

i don't believe i have to do that with this one...

and i don't want him to hide his crazy.

i want to know his crazy.

is it weird to say i think our souls have connected?

idk. it might be weird.

i think i'll avoid that topic for now. 

i just don't think i will ever find this again if i lose this one.

and that's scary.

i can tell you that much.

but i don't think i need to worry about losing this one.

i think he's mine. 

i want him to be mine.

i'm okay with being..."we".

just so you know.
i have a boyfriend.
it's amazing and wonderful.

and i'm scared shitless.

i have been hurt so many times in the past.
that i'm not sure i even understand how to do this relationship thing.
he seems like the perfect person...
i know nobody is perfect.
i'm not perfect.
but what's stopping us from being perfect together?
i don't want to get in the way of what i'm feeling.
because what i am feeling...
i have never felt before.
there is so much raw emotion.
so many things i have never felt for anyone.
things that i thought i felt before..
but that weren't real.

this is real.
really real.

and i'm not sure what to do.
but the weird thing is...
i don't think i have to do anything.
i think i can just let it be,
and it will blossom.
and i don't know how to feel about that.

but what i do know is that i feel:
wonderful
beautiful
loved
cared for
smart
special

and those are some of the best feelings i have felt in a long time.
but there are so many of them.
i'm not sure what to do with all of these feelings.
it's been a long time since i've had feelings!

this feels right.

it feels so right.
i think it is about damn time i found a man worth a damn.
i just hope this is the man.
because i want it to be so badly.
i want to have this forever...
i hope this it forever.

he sees in me what nobody else does.

There are many things that I wish were easier in life.

Many many things.

No, it hasn't been easy for me.

And sometimes it seems as though it may never be.

But I've got to remember that I am strong.

I can carry my own,

and I can carry everyone else's.

It's not easy,

and sometimes it gets the best of me.

But that is who I am.

I am that friend that everyone can rely on...

and I am that person that will tell the truth and help you no matter what.

It gets challenging, yes.

Because even though it may not seem like it,

I do in fact,

get feelings.

I get sad.

I get angry.

I get worried, a lot.

I know I don't talk to many people about these feelings,

and that there are very few people that know me and how I work.

But I cherish those few people I have.

Because without them I would be absolutely lonely.

It feels like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders sometimes.

And sometimes I feel like I can't take anymore.

I wish people would just handle their own problems,

and not make them mine as well.

But then I step back and realize there is a reason these people chose to confide in me.

And I find comfort in that.

And as much I have never asked anything of my friends because I haven't really needed much.

I know that they'd be there for me in a heart beat.

No matter what.

And it's amazing because I haven't ever felt that.

I've been through a lot of times in my life,

where I have felt as though I had no one.

I suppose that lead me to build up some walls.

I began to find only comfort in myself,

and became as strong as I could be to get myself through.

It's hard for me to rely on others,

because for such a long time I didn't have "others" there for me.

It was just me.

Or so I thought.

And it felt like the world was out to get me.

But I've grown since then.

And I know better now.

I can't help but feel lonely.

A lot.

And that scares me.

I really miss being in love...

and knowing what it is like to be loved back. 

But, that will all come with time.

It will happen when it wants to.

In the mean time I should stop worrying about not being attractive to the wrong guys.

And just worry about being me,

and realizing that it is okay not to be strong all the time.

Being strong all the time takes a toll on you.

Emotionally.

And it's okay to ask for help,

just don't get caught up in something you aren't.

And it's okay to break down and cry,

and to show people you are vulnerable and fragile.

Just like everyone else.

Even though it's scary,

and nobody really ever thinks you might be hurting.

It is okay.

It will be okay.

There are many people out there who love you for who you are,

and the rest, you really don't need to worry about.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

I don't know why it is so important to me that everyone thinks I'm strong 100% of the time.

I try to be, I will admit that. 

But I don't need to be.

And that is what I need to take to heart.

It will help me, to let other people in.

I just have to step out of this little comfort zone I've built in my mind...

and let them know that I'm not bullet proof.

And that sometimes, I'm not okay.

And that's okay.

so i've been thinking a lot about myself lately, and why i am the way i am.
i've learned a lot from watching people.
failed relationships, and whatnot.
it's amazing how some things can shape a human being.
and how other people's action can affect someone's life in a such a big way.
but besides that...
i've also figured out that as i was growing up i felt overlooked.
like nobody really knew i existed, and i just wasn't "special".
i had nothing to show off..
i wasn't beautiful.
or skinny.
or tall.
i kept to myself most of the time and kind of just...followed people around.
i was a shadow.
as a child i was always my best friends shadow.
she was so perfect.
she always knew what to say and was so sweet...
and tall...
and pretty.
all the clothes would fit her.
blah blah.
i felt as though everyone saw her, and not me.
i didn't like that.
but i was too shy to say anything or be my own person.
i sort of let our relationship define me.
until we had a falling out in 5th grade...
then i became friends with the wrong people.
the bitchy little middle school girls who were mean to their parents..etc.
you get my drift.
i wasn't like them.
they even had a group called the rude bitches..
and i wasn't allowed to be in it because i wasn't rude, and i wasn't a bitch.
then, thankfully, the guidance counselor sort of re-introduced my "best friend" and i.
after two years i'd kind of forgotten why we were best friends.
but we became insta friends once again...
and once again i was her shadow.
i always felt one uped by her.
she got the things i wanted.
and i didn't get shit.
that's just how it was.
it actually made me pretty depressed going into highschool.
there i was trying to figure out who i was and my place in this universe..
and i couldn't because i was always trying to be her.
which was stupid, yes, i realize that now.
but i was this lonely little teenager who didn't know how to figure out who i was.
then, i dated josh.
and i let that relationship define who i was.
an ongoing cycle, really.
i let it define me so much that when he was emotionally abusing me..
i couldn't let it go.
i didn't know what i would do with myself.
it was scary.
i was so broken down, but i felt stuck.
then we had our breaking point, had a huge knock down drag out..
and it was over, after damn near 3 years.
it was at that point that i realized, you know what? i need to figure out who sara michelle rushing is..
i need to step outside of my comfort zone and figure this shit out.
which was hard and scary and i didn't know how to do it.
my roomates at the time didn't include me..
i barely had any friends at college.
i'm so thankful for the friends i did have, because i can't imagine where i'd be.
and i got to the point where i knew that i had to do something about myself..
that being this scared little girl wasn't going to get me anywhere in life.
i did not want that.
i was so miserable being all scared and lonely.
then jessie and i started hanging out,
and she didn't judge me.
or call me stupid.
or treat me like an idiot.
or show off..
or show me up.
i didn't feel inferior.
i felt like an equal.
that's what best friends are for.
now i'm not saying that my best friend growing up was a bad friend, because she wasn't.
she was an awesome friend and dealt with a lot of shit from me.
i'm saying, i couldn't figure out how to be me.
and that definitely put strain on our relationship.
since college, we've gone our separate ways.
we still talk here and there...but we aren't close anymore.
and as much as it hurt me to see us drift apart.
it helped me come closer to myself, because i didn't need to worry about being second.
it helped me figure out that i am who i am and i need to own that, and love it.
it's still hard.
i'm not an extrovert, it's not easy for me to get out there and be loud and proud.
i'm quiet (most of the time), especially about the way i'm feeling or my opinions.
i don't want people to judge me, or think less of me.
it's going to be a hard journey for me because this is the way i've been all my life.
but i'm finally out on my own and i don't have anyone to hide behind.
and it's forcing me to own who i am and to build my self-confidence in ways i never thought possible.
it's amazing really, how far i've come.
of course, i've still got a long ways to go.
but i'm beginning to love myself..
and i'm beginning to know who i am.
nobody ever said it'd be easy, but it's definitely worth it <3 p="">

so,
i'm sad.
for lots of reasons
i don't really want to talk about them...
i guess.
idk what i really want to talk about
i'm just sad.
sad i'm alone.
sad guys don't like me for me.
sad i feel as though i'm overweight.
sad about things people have said to me...
i mean,
seriously,
i feel like i'm a good person.
i get along with pretty much everyone.
i don't start drama.
i stay out of the way.
i don't believe i'm hard to live with...
or hard to be around.
it just sucks,
and it really hurts when people say hurtful things.
even if they don't mean to.
even if i'm reading too far into it.
it still sucks,
and i'm still hurt.
and i'm sad.
depressed, even.
idk.
i don't like to be that whiny little girl
who wants the attention or whatever.
but it'd be nice to have a little attention,
and not feel left out, alone, and invisible half the time.
it's so weird too...
because i was just realizing how happy i am with my life.
and no i'm all depressed and shit.
as much as i love being single,
and free or whatever,
i still wish their was that special someone.
you know,
to love and the cuddle.
and it's starting to seem as though i will never have that.
dudes just don't like me.
idk wtf is wrong with me..
or my personality or whatever.
i don't think i'm that fat.
but i feel like i'm huge bc i'm always looked over.
its stupid and i shouldn't be this insecure.
and i hate myself for it every time i get like this.
my friends always get hit on at the bar.
but i don't.
ever.
i feel like crying.
lifes not fair.
ig i'm just different...
idk how.
and idk why.
but i am.
and it sucks..
being different can be good.
but i don't feel different in the good way.
i feel different in the weird way.
the way where nobody loves me but my mom.
and my mom isn't even here to love me..
well at least not in this state.
she didn't die or anything.
but fuck,
i miss her.
i wish i could fly out there right now...
and that i wouldn't have to wait 2 more months.
i'm so upset.
i'm trying to find anything and everything to cheer myself up...
its not working.
i'll get it over it i'm sure.
but it's just one of those things...
it all builds up and i do have a breaking point.
i'm not bullet proof.
i do have feelings...
even tho i'm happy most of the time,
i still get hurt and get upset.
i wish i didn't.
life would be easier...
but then it wouldn't be life would it?
i wish there was some kind of change i could make...
to make things a little easier to deal with.
to feel more wanted.
but honestly,
most of the time i'm happy with myself.
i'm happy with who i am,
who i'm becoming,
and where i'm going.
i'm proud of me.
and i can finally say i love myself...
and i don't feel crazy in my head.
but i'm still sad.
and being sad sucks...
and i can't make myself unsad.
and that sucks.
it's just a big ball of suckish...sucking.

i'm out.

you make me wanna roll my windows down and cruise.

I lead a very lonely life <3

**Happy 2013**

.. May this year be far better than the last and may my love life blossom lol

.yeah right.

:P