chuck broke up with me.
he's going through some sort of quarter life crisis.
i don't know.
i'm sad, yes.
i'm not broken hearted.
i wasn't even with him long enough to love him.
so i'm not crushed...
but i am lonely.
so very lonely.
you know, you think you have something good going...
and then you get hit on the head with reality, and it's over just like that.
it sucks because i can barely handle myself right now.
i don't want to be crying over his dumb ass!
you know he said all these things to me..
like, "this must be how it feels to meet the one"
and, "i could really see us growing old together"
and.., "we are going to be inseperable".
there's more too it but i deleted his fucking text messages.
because who reels you in like that and says all those things...
and DOESN'T FUCKING MEAN A SINGLE WORD OF IT?!
apparently i am more angry and hurt than i thought.
i thought we had a connection, i thought there was something special there.
and then one day he stops texting me..and doesn't want to see me.
and dumps me on my ass.
it's like he all the sudden just changed his mind, and shut down.
it's not okay.
i'm trying to act like it's okay, but it's not.
no, i'm not completely heart broken.
yes, i am sad and hurt.
and i'm clearly not over it, even though i really want to be!
i hate being fucking vulnerable and weak.
i hate myself like this.
i didn't cry when he broke up with me..
i didn't cry for a week after he broke up with me..
but now it's been damn near two week and i can't stop fucking crying.
and honestly, i'm not sure if i'm actually crying over him.
or this idea of him that i have stuck in my head.
because it's starting to seem like whatever he was doing was just a fucking show..
just to get me until he got sick of me.
that's not how this shit is suppose to work.
and if he were the one for me it wouldn't work this way.
but god dammit! i wanted him to be the one so bad.
i was actually ready for a relationship..
ready to let down my fucking walls and let somebody in.
and i trusted him..
and i let down my walls..
and now i'm all angry and mushy.
feelings that i never wanted to feel again.
this is exactly why i stayed single for 3 fucking years..
that and nobody is fucking interested in me.
i don't get hit on..
nobody is every attracted to me.
and then he comes along and he is "very attracted to me" and thinks "i'm an amazing person"...
and "lets just run away and get married right now".
bull fucking shit.
learned my lesson i guess.
never fucking believe people when they say shit.
...he completely shattered my trust.
that's what  happened.
it's gone.
i thought i could actually be with somebody.
silly me.
fool me once, shame on  you.
fool me twice, shame on me.
this is the second time this has happened.
this is the second time it has been "bad timing".
fuck.
i'm so angry.
i want to never date again.
that's what i really want.
but i'm so damn lonely..
especially since i just moved and don't live with jessie anymore.
i want somebody.
but i can't have anybody...
the world doesn't want me to right now.
i don't even..
i'm just being dramatic now.
but fuck...just when you think things are going good.
life gets thrown in your face.