i've got to stop waiting around.
clearly he's not interested anymore.
and if he's going to see me it's going to be when it is convenient for him,
on his time.
not when i want it..
not when i have time.
so i'm done with that.
it's not that i'm necessarily waiting for him..
because i'm not.
if another guy walked into my life and swept me off my feet,
i would have no problem moving on.
i might have a problem trusting..
or you know, believing anything he says.
but i wouldn't be held back by this idea of someone else.
and that's just what it is..
an idea.
nothing is real with him anymore.
he could care less about my feelings...
or what i want.
and that is just something i'm going to have to accept.
and i'm going to have to stop caring about his feelings and what he wants.
because it is blatantly obvious that what he wants and i what i want are polar opposite.
does that suck?
yes.
does that hurt me?
i suppose it does.
but i'm done letting this idea of a situation control my emotions.
i don't want to think about it.
i don't want to worry about it.
i want to be over it!
and fuck, i thought i was.
oh how i wish i was.
it's still deep down inside of me.
this yearning for him..
this thinking that there is something more.
what i've got to realize, is that there isn't anything more.
it doesn't matter how much i feel that there is something..
it doesn't matter how much i want this to happen..
it is not going to.
not right now.
maybe not ever.
and the sooner i realize this the sooner i will be able to move on.
and maybe i just need to let him go..
stop talking to him.
stop getting my hopes up.
i'm sure that would help me move on.
but i'm not sure i'm quite ready for that.
i just hope that one of these days..
i am able to fucking move on with my life.

...that's all.