so,
i'm sad.
for lots of reasons
i don't really want to talk about them...
i guess.
idk what i really want to talk about
i'm just sad.
sad i'm alone.
sad guys don't like me for me.
sad i feel as though i'm overweight.
sad about things people have said to me...
i mean,
seriously,
i feel like i'm a good person.
i get along with pretty much everyone.
i don't start drama.
i stay out of the way.
i don't believe i'm hard to live with...
or hard to be around.
it just sucks,
and it really hurts when people say hurtful things.
even if they don't mean to.
even if i'm reading too far into it.
it still sucks,
and i'm still hurt.
and i'm sad.
depressed, even.
idk.
i don't like to be that whiny little girl
who wants the attention or whatever.
but it'd be nice to have a little attention,
and not feel left out, alone, and invisible half the time.
it's so weird too...
because i was just realizing how happy i am with my life.
and no i'm all depressed and shit.
as much as i love being single,
and free or whatever,
i still wish their was that special someone.
you know,
to love and the cuddle.
and it's starting to seem as though i will never have that.
dudes just don't like me.
idk wtf is wrong with me..
or my personality or whatever.
i don't think i'm that fat.
but i feel like i'm huge bc i'm always looked over.
its stupid and i shouldn't be this insecure.
and i hate myself for it every time i get like this.
my friends always get hit on at the bar.
but i don't.
ever.
i feel like crying.
lifes not fair.
ig i'm just different...
idk how.
and idk why.
but i am.
and it sucks..
being different can be good.
but i don't feel different in the good way.
i feel different in the weird way.
the way where nobody loves me but my mom.
and my mom isn't even here to love me..
well at least not in this state.
she didn't die or anything.
but fuck,
i miss her.
i wish i could fly out there right now...
and that i wouldn't have to wait 2 more months.
i'm so upset.
i'm trying to find anything and everything to cheer myself up...
its not working.
i'll get it over it i'm sure.
but it's just one of those things...
it all builds up and i do have a breaking point.
i'm not bullet proof.
i do have feelings...
even tho i'm happy most of the time,
i still get hurt and get upset.
i wish i didn't.
life would be easier...
but then it wouldn't be life would it?
i wish there was some kind of change i could make...
to make things a little easier to deal with.
to feel more wanted.
but honestly,
most of the time i'm happy with myself.
i'm happy with who i am,
who i'm becoming,
and where i'm going.
i'm proud of me.
and i can finally say i love myself...
and i don't feel crazy in my head.
but i'm still sad.
and being sad sucks...
and i can't make myself unsad.
and that sucks.
it's just a big ball of suckish...sucking.

i'm out.