so i've been thinking a lot about myself lately, and why i am the way i am.
i've learned a lot from watching people.
failed relationships, and whatnot.
it's amazing how some things can shape a human being.
and how other people's action can affect someone's life in a such a big way.
but besides that...
i've also figured out that as i was growing up i felt overlooked.
like nobody really knew i existed, and i just wasn't "special".
i had nothing to show off..
i wasn't beautiful.
or skinny.
or tall.
i kept to myself most of the time and kind of just...followed people around.
i was a shadow.
as a child i was always my best friends shadow.
she was so perfect.
she always knew what to say and was so sweet...
and tall...
and pretty.
all the clothes would fit her.
blah blah.
i felt as though everyone saw her, and not me.
i didn't like that.
but i was too shy to say anything or be my own person.
i sort of let our relationship define me.
until we had a falling out in 5th grade...
then i became friends with the wrong people.
the bitchy little middle school girls who were mean to their parents..etc.
you get my drift.
i wasn't like them.
they even had a group called the rude bitches..
and i wasn't allowed to be in it because i wasn't rude, and i wasn't a bitch.
then, thankfully, the guidance counselor sort of re-introduced my "best friend" and i.
after two years i'd kind of forgotten why we were best friends.
but we became insta friends once again...
and once again i was her shadow.
i always felt one uped by her.
she got the things i wanted.
and i didn't get shit.
that's just how it was.
it actually made me pretty depressed going into highschool.
there i was trying to figure out who i was and my place in this universe..
and i couldn't because i was always trying to be her.
which was stupid, yes, i realize that now.
but i was this lonely little teenager who didn't know how to figure out who i was.
then, i dated josh.
and i let that relationship define who i was.
an ongoing cycle, really.
i let it define me so much that when he was emotionally abusing me..
i couldn't let it go.
i didn't know what i would do with myself.
it was scary.
i was so broken down, but i felt stuck.
then we had our breaking point, had a huge knock down drag out..
and it was over, after damn near 3 years.
it was at that point that i realized, you know what? i need to figure out who sara michelle rushing is..
i need to step outside of my comfort zone and figure this shit out.
which was hard and scary and i didn't know how to do it.
my roomates at the time didn't include me..
i barely had any friends at college.
i'm so thankful for the friends i did have, because i can't imagine where i'd be.
and i got to the point where i knew that i had to do something about myself..
that being this scared little girl wasn't going to get me anywhere in life.
i did not want that.
i was so miserable being all scared and lonely.
then jessie and i started hanging out,
and she didn't judge me.
or call me stupid.
or treat me like an idiot.
or show off..
or show me up.
i didn't feel inferior.
i felt like an equal.
that's what best friends are for.
now i'm not saying that my best friend growing up was a bad friend, because she wasn't.
she was an awesome friend and dealt with a lot of shit from me.
i'm saying, i couldn't figure out how to be me.
and that definitely put strain on our relationship.
since college, we've gone our separate ways.
we still talk here and there...but we aren't close anymore.
and as much as it hurt me to see us drift apart.
it helped me come closer to myself, because i didn't need to worry about being second.
it helped me figure out that i am who i am and i need to own that, and love it.
it's still hard.
i'm not an extrovert, it's not easy for me to get out there and be loud and proud.
i'm quiet (most of the time), especially about the way i'm feeling or my opinions.
i don't want people to judge me, or think less of me.
it's going to be a hard journey for me because this is the way i've been all my life.
but i'm finally out on my own and i don't have anyone to hide behind.
and it's forcing me to own who i am and to build my self-confidence in ways i never thought possible.
it's amazing really, how far i've come.
of course, i've still got a long ways to go.
but i'm beginning to love myself..
and i'm beginning to know who i am.
nobody ever said it'd be easy, but it's definitely worth it <3 p="">