1. You’re stronger than you think you are.
2. Mistakes teach you important lessons.  Every time you make one, you’re one step closer to your goal.
3. There is nothing to hold you back except you.
4. You can press forward long after you can’t.  It’s a matter of wanting it bad enough.
5. No matter how much progress you make there will always be the people who insist that whatever you’re trying to do is impossible.
6. You are limited only by your own imagination. Let it fly.
7. Perception is reality.
8. Your instincts can be trusted.
9. There is only one question to ask yourself: “What would you do if you were not afraid?”
10. It’s often hard to tell just how close you are to success.
11. The only mistake that can truly hurt you is choosing to do nothing simply because you’re too scared to make a mistake.
12. Never let success get to your head, and never let failure get to your heart.
13. You have to fight through some bad days to earn the best days of your life.
14. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.
15. Do what you love, not what you think you’re supposed to do.
16. Laughter is the best medicine for stress.  Laugh at yourself often.
17. If you want to feel rich, just count all the great things you have that money can’t buy.
18. Forgiving yourself is far more important than getting others to forgive you.
19. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, you’ll often find that you’re right.
20. Be nice to yourself.
21. For the most part, it doesn’t matter what people think.  Follow your own truth.
22. No education is wasted. Drink in as many new experiences as you can.
23. Making one person smile can change the world.
24. Don’t forget to enjoy your journey!
25. You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have.
26. Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
27. You cannot change what you refuse to confront.
28. Crying doesn’t indicate that you’re weak.  It doesn’t always solve your problems either.
29. No matter how many mistakes you make or how slow you progress, you are still way ahead of everyone who isn’t trying.
30. Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning to dance in the rain.
31. You can learn great things from your mistakes when you aren’t busy denying them.
32. Give up worrying about what others think of you.
33. When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you.
34. You have to accept that some things will never be yours, and learn to appreciate the things that are only yours.
35. As Henry Ford put it,“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right.”
36. Don’t be afraid to move out of your comfort zone.  Some of your best life experiences and opportunities will transpire only after you dare to lose.
37. Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough and smart enough to let go.
38. You’ll rarely be 100% sure it will work.  But you can always be 100% sure doing nothing won’t work.
39. Don’t dwell on the past or worry about the future for too long.  Right now is life.  Live it.
40. No matter how cautiously you choose your words, someone will always twist them around and misinterpret what you say.  Just say what you need to say.
41. Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of good luck.
42. If you are passionate about something, pursue it, no matter what anyone else thinks.  That’s how dreams are achieved.
43. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting.
44. What lies before us and behind us are tiny matters when compared to what lies within us.
45. Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.
46. It’s not about getting a chance, it’s about taking a chance.
47. If it were easy everyone would do it.
48. Be vulnerable.
49. A problem is a chance for you to learn.
50. Regardless of the situation, life goes on.

I know i complain an awful lot. And i apologize for that. But for as much as i say it's okay that i'm alone....it's not. I hate it, being alone sucks. It makes me feel all sad at lonely inside. Not a good feeling, at all.

i really hate being lonely.
and knowing that i've been treated like crap in every relationship i've ever been in.
i'm not perfect..
and i will never claim to be.
but i deserve more than that.
and i'm starting to believe it's not out there
.

sometimes it's just not easy.
sometimes it's just not right.
it's not the best choice...
it's a fight or flight.
i can't remember who i am.
or who i'm meant to be.
i'm stuck in this moment of apathy.
with myself.
who would want to be me?
i can't figure things out.
i can't let them go,
and i can't hold on.
for if i hold on...
it will be so long.
i'm not sure where to go from here.
i'm smiling from ear to ear.
the unimaginable.
i'm just pretending.
what you want to see..
is what you get with me.
i don't know if i enjoy this.
it's a trip.
i want love,
i want passion.
but do i want to sacrifice that for my fashion?
it's not easy.
and it's not hard.
once you figure out,
you're the place to start.

Where is life without love?

Life is not easy. Its a constant battle with yourself. It is your choice if u win or lose. Either u fight til the end, or u give up. This is probably one of the hardest decisions you are ever going to make. There is no way to make this easy, its just a fact u have to face. And no matter what u do u cant change who you are. No matter how much u want to and how hard u try. That person inside that hard ( or soft ) exterior will always be you. Love it. Bc if you dont, what do u have? U should love yourself above all other things. Bc in order to give love, u have to know what love is. Where is life without love? Its nothing, u would merely be ceasing to exist. And deep down i know nobody wants to live as a souless and tormented human being. I may not be able to find the one i love, i may not even be looking. But what i do know is that in order to love that person when they come along im going to have to be willing to give of myselg what i would expect from them. And that right there needs to extend from self love. U dont have to give up who u are to be with somebody they shoukd love u regardless. U may not be perfect, but there is somebody out there who is perfect for u.

love me.

it's okay to feel special.

i hate emotions more than anything
i don't like having them...
i prefer to be comfortable and ignore the stupid shit that is going on inside my head.
but i can't anymore and it is fucking pissing me off.
my mom's boyfriend from colorado is here this weekend.
he's very nice and i'm glad she found found somebody that nice.
i'm happy for her.
but more or less i'm just pissed off that he is going to be taking my whole family away from me.
kyle means like...
everything to me.
he is the best little brother ever.
and as soon as they move to colorado,
i'm never going to get to see him, or my mom.
and i'm mad as hell.
she just doesn't understand how this is going to effect me.
all that she is thinking about is how happy she is..
and how happy she will be because she will have somebody to take care of her, finally.
i'm so angry.
and i'm so sad...
and i'm sick of feeling this way.
but i'm going to feel this way until i get used to them living in colorado.
and that's that.
i just want to cry forever...
but i'll ruin the weekend if i do and it will be ALL my fault.
like it usually is.
because clearly..i'm the one moving away and ruining my life.
i have no control over this...
so how is it my fault?
idk.
does she expect me to be happy she is leaving?
happy i won't get to watch kyle grow up?
well i'm not going to be..
i'm going to be pissed of and hurt and sad..
for a long time.
and it's just shitty.
because even if i do tell her how i feel...
she is going to be mad.
i'm going to be ruining her life and her happiness.
because that is all that matters, clearly.
i wish it were easier to ignore this shit and pretend to be happy.
that's all i want...
because as soon as i have emotions and i'm hurt..
i ruin everything.
and idk how this would all be my fault...
but it would end up being that way.
ugh..i guess i don't have anything else to say.
just needed to vent since it's just me against the world.
and the world is winning.

justin is MARRIED to his ex-girlfriend.
yes.
the one he said he hated so much, and wished would die.
that one.
...at least i now have a reason to get over him.
because i'm pissed.
i know he dumped me for her.

but what is really bothering me...
is the fact the people are just shitty ass friends.
you thought they would always be there for you.
they would always have your back.
and then they disappear.
and they don't care about you anymore...
or give a fuck that you are drifting away.
it hurts.
but you know what?
i have better friends than that.
and i'm really happy for those REAL friends i've got.
because they mean the world to me.
and i wouldn't be anywhere without them.

so thank you to all of my real friends.
without you i wouldn't be anything.
i love you to the end of the world and back...
and i will never let ANYTHING get in the way of what we have.

you missed my face, admit it ;)

love my life.

i am petrified of growing up.

it is not something i want to do...

i don't want to graduate.

i don't want a big girl job.

i want to stay in my comfortable little on-campus apartment with my annoying roommates.

forever.

yeah..i'm excited to move in with jessie.

i love her and i know we'll have a great time.

but moving in with her means the end of an era.

the end of being a kid..

i'm supposed to be a grownup now aren't i?

fuck.

i'm scared.

i'm going to be all collegy with this psych degree..

i haven't even taken the GRE, and i'm supposed to go to graduate school next year?

yuckkkk.

also...that sweater in that picture up there, yeah i shrunk it.

i'm bummed.

but that obviously doesn't matter...

there are more pressing issues.

not only am i afraid to grow up.

i'm lonely, and kind of sad about that.

it's been almost a year since justin..

and i still can't stop thinking about him.

i need to get over it and get used to the fact that...

HE IS NEVER COMING BACK.

yeah, i'm okay on my own.

i'm happy.

i'm getting along just fine.

but i miss him.

and not only do i miss him..

i miss having someone.

i miss being in love.

having a companion.

i miss being not lonely.

look what i found :)

you know,

there are quite a few things i don't like about myself.

i'm not the weight i'd like to be,

or the height.

i'm not outspoken.

i don't voice my opinion.

my nose has a stupid bump on the ridge from when rachel kicked me in the face.

my boobs are TOO big.

and more often than not, 

i am a mess.

i can't deny that.

by i sure as shit can hide it.

and that is another thing, i don't like about myself.

it has not been easy being me.

and i'm sure it's not easy to be anyone.

maybe everyone has the same ol' shit go through their head as i do mine.

or maybe not.

regardless, i don't like it.

and i'm not sure that i will ever be able to come to terms with myself.

quite frankly,

i just don't understand.

it's not that i don't know who i am, or who i want to be.

or what i can do with my life...

i don't think i'm a failure,

or a fuck-up.

and i definitely do not think i'm not good enough for society anymore.

but there was a point that i was.

that i thought i was useless and that nobody wanted to waste their time on little old me.

sooner or later i found out this wasn't true.

with the help of a few good people.

but,

i have my relapses.

thus is human nature.

we aren't perfect,

nor will we ever be.

and that's that.

some people may think they are perfect,

but they are only lying to themselves.

i used to try so hard to be perfect.

i pushed myself in all directions,

comparing myself to people and struggling with what my abilities are.

it took me 20 years to realize...

i am me.

i am special.

i am different.

which is something we are taught in elementary school.

it's a hard concept to grasp.

and it has been an especially hard one for me.

and even though i am a much stronger person now then i ever was.

i still fight with this side of me,

and i probably always will.

and i honestly don't think i will ever be okay with knowing that's who i am.

i don't want to be negative nancy, or debbie downer.

i want to be who i am, completely and totally.

vulnerability and all.

and be ok with it.

and i don't know why that is so hard.

but it is something i am absolutely still searching for.

and even if it takes my whole life...at least i'll be living for something..

it's okay to live for me.

i don't have to please everyone just to feel good about myself.

i don't want to lie to myself anymore..

and pretend like everything is okay inside my mind.

when really i am a mess of a human being.

and i know this has all be said before...

by me even.

but i want to be that beautiful caring and wonderful person i have always dreamed of.

not perfect.

trying to be perfect would mean i am giving in.

and i'm not.

and i won't.

and even if it breaks me...

god dammit,

i'm going to be happy with myself.

because i love me, i really do.

all of my insecurities and bullshit.

<3

I've been a walking heartache.

I've made a mess of me.

The person that I've been lately,

ain't who I want to be.

But you stay here beside me...

and watch as the storm blows through.

And I need you.

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs.

God gave me you for the days of doubt.

And for when I think I've lost my way.

There are no words here left to say, it's true.

God gave me you.

^ that's because i'm awesome.

i love being back at school.

there is no doubt about that.

yeah, i may have a crazy ass roommate.

but at least life isn't boring.

i can learn to deal.

i'm good at "dealing".

i started my internship yesterday...

and it was super fucking fun.

we talked for a while and then we went to the kindergarten classroom

and i got to observe him teach a guidance class.

and it was so much fun...

and it was totally adorable.

next week i get to start going in in the mornings and sitting in on individual sessions.

i'm so interested to see how he handles things.

i want to be good at this,

and i'm very grateful for this experience because i get to see how it's done.

and by the end i hope to be able to actually teach a guidance class.

i'm no sure if i'll be okay with that...

but after 140 hours you would think.

but who knows,

sometimes i'm chicken shit.

ummm....

my mom went to colorado today to see shawn.

she seems so happy.

and i'm happy for her.

but, i can't help but think about how selfish she is being.

it's over my birthday...whatever.

i'm not even really upset about that anymore.

more or less i'm stuck on the fact that she is ditching me for a dude.

which is no surprising,

but hurts regardless.

i am super pumped for my birthday though.

we are going to casa for dinner then bar hopping.

i feel as though not very many people can come...but that's okay because i'm not sure i want a huge party.

we're just going to have to see how things play out.

i'm sure it will be a blast...

it's like the 21st birthday i never got :)

i think i'm off to bed.

jshore is a re-run today.

ho hum.