you know,

there are quite a few things i don't like about myself.

i'm not the weight i'd like to be,

or the height.

i'm not outspoken.

i don't voice my opinion.

my nose has a stupid bump on the ridge from when rachel kicked me in the face.

my boobs are TOO big.

and more often than not, 

i am a mess.

i can't deny that.

by i sure as shit can hide it.

and that is another thing, i don't like about myself.

it has not been easy being me.

and i'm sure it's not easy to be anyone.

maybe everyone has the same ol' shit go through their head as i do mine.

or maybe not.

regardless, i don't like it.

and i'm not sure that i will ever be able to come to terms with myself.

quite frankly,

i just don't understand.

it's not that i don't know who i am, or who i want to be.

or what i can do with my life...

i don't think i'm a failure,

or a fuck-up.

and i definitely do not think i'm not good enough for society anymore.

but there was a point that i was.

that i thought i was useless and that nobody wanted to waste their time on little old me.

sooner or later i found out this wasn't true.

with the help of a few good people.

but,

i have my relapses.

thus is human nature.

we aren't perfect,

nor will we ever be.

and that's that.

some people may think they are perfect,

but they are only lying to themselves.

i used to try so hard to be perfect.

i pushed myself in all directions,

comparing myself to people and struggling with what my abilities are.

it took me 20 years to realize...

i am me.

i am special.

i am different.

which is something we are taught in elementary school.

it's a hard concept to grasp.

and it has been an especially hard one for me.

and even though i am a much stronger person now then i ever was.

i still fight with this side of me,

and i probably always will.

and i honestly don't think i will ever be okay with knowing that's who i am.

i don't want to be negative nancy, or debbie downer.

i want to be who i am, completely and totally.

vulnerability and all.

and be ok with it.

and i don't know why that is so hard.

but it is something i am absolutely still searching for.

and even if it takes my whole life...at least i'll be living for something..

it's okay to live for me.

i don't have to please everyone just to feel good about myself.

i don't want to lie to myself anymore..

and pretend like everything is okay inside my mind.

when really i am a mess of a human being.

and i know this has all be said before...

by me even.

but i want to be that beautiful caring and wonderful person i have always dreamed of.

not perfect.

trying to be perfect would mean i am giving in.

and i'm not.

and i won't.

and even if it breaks me...

god dammit,

i'm going to be happy with myself.

because i love me, i really do.

all of my insecurities and bullshit.

<3