eli young band - guinevere

She's got a bumper like a billboard
Covered in stickers of her favorite bands
She's got a handful of records that she turns to
When she needs to land
She's a saturday night parade through the streets
That all eyes come to see including me

She carries memories around like souvenirs down in her pockets
She should have let some go by now but can't seem to drop it
Says forgiveness ain't nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her soul
That never rolls

Chours:
For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere
Just like Guinevere

She don't hold onto nothin' new for very long
Yeah she writes you in as just one more tale
and then you're gone
'Cause she once fell hard 'cause she dropped her guard
And no one gets to stay it's just too late

Repeat Chorus

For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here

For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Just like Guinevere
Just like Guinevere

Lean into me Guinevere
Be mine tonight Guinevere

i'm in one of those moods. you know, the one where i feel like i want to cry because the aching inside of me would stop...but i really don't have any reason to? ok, maybe there are plenty of reasons to cry, but i can't find one that will actually make me cry. it's quite frustrating actually. it's all pent up in there with no place to go. i don't even know how to get it out at this point.

so i'm starting to like jason. jason...is the guy jessie tried to "set me up" with. i guess i kind of ignored it because i don't want to be that girl who can't find a guy without being set up with him. so i just put it on the back burner. then..i started getting excited when he would text me, and sad when he wouldn't. i noticed i like him...or at least had some sort of feelings for him was at jessie's on saturday. our friend emma from high school was there. and jessie had text me telling me that emma was thinking about hooking up with jason...oh you would not believe the feelings that happened inside of me at that moment. i was so pissed and jealous. i admit i didn't tell emma i kind of liked him, but she knew we'd been talking and she knew he liked me. i just want to get pissed, but i wasn't supposed to know. i wouldn't have made a scene anyways. but it was at the moment that i sat there..and i was like damn. emma didn't hook up with him, she ended up doing his friend, which was weird. but jason and i made out alot, for like two hours. it was amazing. he didn't try to have sex with me, i was pretty impressed. so i was texting him the next day and i told him how i was jealous and how i would have been pissed, but not at him. and he said he would have been pissed at himself because he is really excited to see where this goes. and to be honest, so i am. i'm not sure if these are legit feelings, i don't really know who he is. but i'm so ready to get to know. even if this ends up being nothing more than a friend ship i will be happy because he seems like such a good guy. he's very honest and loyal, just like me.

and the bad news...
we have to move, again. they put the for rent sign up today. idk if we'll be able to stay here til they find a new rentee or not. my mom JUST started looking at places, so who knows if we'l have time to get into one. we might end up living with my grandma. it just scares me. i know we'll have a place to live no matter what. but just the fact that it's gotten to this point. it's very stressful. and i feel like i have to be strong for my mom and kyle. i think kyle will be ok...he understands life very well. but i know how it feels to see men walk in and out of your mom's life, over and over again. it's not a good feeling. and now..men have screwed all of us over. it's a mess. i'm and i'm trying to be strong for everyone...and i'm ok. i really am. but i can just feel my breaking point coming. and god, i hope it's not at an inconvenient time. from what i've been through this past few years, i've learned that crying would get me anywhere. and i really don't want to let people see me like that...because i can't be weak and let things get to me. everyone is falling apart, and they are leaning on me to be their strong point. so i'm trying to be ok, not for myself..but for them. and i know this isn't very good reasoning, but it's all i got to hold onto for my family.

i don't know what i want to talk about. i'm listening to thoughtful and intriguing country music. i reconnected with my middle school counselor. and that might sound kind of stupid, but she was one of those people who really shaped my life and made me who i am. so it's special. i found her on facebook and she asked what i was up too..i just spent the last half hour spilling the past five years of my life to her. lol it might have been to much. but i need to tell someone you know? she's one of those people who i can just feel okay to talk with. and idk if thats because she was my counselor, i don't really care. I don't want to think to much about what people think any more...and you know that is kind of hard to change, but it will be so worth it when i'm not locked in this shell anymore. i keep having flashbacks...about he who shall not be named. i hate it. its all the bad things. and they are so bad..and i want them to go away. he doesn't know how much he hurt me. hell, i don't even know how much he hurt me. but i just don't want to feel it anymore. it was so stupid of me to even think i could have anything special. and i know it wasn't my fault, but i wanted it to be better so bad. and there was never a chance of that happening, but i stupidly thought there was because he kept telling me it would be okay. it's never going to be okay. i'm sorry, it's just not. it's sick to think about..but this shit is going to going through my head for the rest of my fucking life. i'm super claustrophobic now, and i can't trust any man except my daddy. i want myself back more than anything. and my god i hope he realizes what he took from me. god dammit i hope he does. but i don't think he has the heart too...or much for brain cells left. my heart hurts. why can't i find somebody who will make it better? i just need somebody to prove to me that it's not going to happen again...i need that trust to be better. i feel like a fucking mental patient. and maybe i am..maybe thats what i need. but i'm too scared to call out for it. i don't believe in myself anymore, i have zero self confidence. i can't even dress up because he didn't like it when i did. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. i'm sick of bottling this up...but honestly sometimes it just doesn't bother me. and i know i'm not crying because i miss him, because i never want to see his fat ass again. even thinking about seeing him gives me a panic attack. like when i thought he was going to be at amanda's mom's funeral..i seriously started crying. now, i'm sorry, but that's not normal. i can't see myself with anyone..i can't see myself getting married. i'm seriously scared shitless. like even thinking about it...i'm scared, i don't think i can do it. i was hoping that ignoring it would help me get over it. but no..it's making worse. sometimes i feel like people don't get it. like i tell them and they just shrug it off as no big deal. which maybe to them it isn't because they have never felt the way i did...i literally cussed at God because i was convinced he wanted me to be miserable and wanted me to die. now i don't even know if i believe in God. he who shall not me named made me feel worthless, stupid, insignificant, not important..and like less of a human being. to the point where i didn't want to be a human being at all. i'm happier now, i have my friends back..i don't want to die. i haven't hurt myself for a very long time. and i'm proud of myself. but then there are times like these..when i wonder wtf happened to me?! and i realized that there are some bruises that are never going to be gone. and i start to think..if only i hadn't done it, if only...but it's not my fault and that could be pounded into my head a thousand times and i would still feel like i was to blame. and that's because that's how HE made me feel, and i listened to it and believed it for 3 fucking years.

idk...maybe some day i'll be ok...but i don't have nething else to say right now.

she won't be lonely long - Clay Walker

Somethin bout the way she’s wearing her dress a little tighter
Somethin bout the way she’s starin, she’s lookin to start a fire
Somethin bout the way she’s dancin and drinkin chill patron
If she’s lonely now she won’t be lonely long

Heaven help the fool who did her wrong
It’s too late, too bad, she’s too far gone
He should’ve thought of that before he left her all alone
If she’s lonely now, she won’t be lonely long

Somethin bout the way she’s blushin you can tell she isn’t sure
Let you know she’s up to something she’s never done before
Tonight she wants to hold a stranger but not the one at home
If she’s lonely now she won’t be lonely long

Heaven help the fool who did her wrong
It’s too late, too bad, she’s too far gone
He should’ve thought of that before he left her all alone
If she’s lonely now, she won’t be lonely long

If I had a woman like that
Man I’d let her know
I’d hold her tight
I’d hold her close
Do anything, do everything to let her know
She’d never ever be alone

Heaven help the fool who did her wrong
It’s too late, too bad, she’s too far gone
He should’ve thought of that before he left her all alone
If she’s lonely now, lord if she’s lonely now
If she’s lonely now, she won’t be lonely long

some say holding on is what makes you strong; but sometimes it takes much more strength to let go and move on.

i'm going to be ok. i spent an hour last night in my room writing, literally paper and pencil, writing down my thoughts. and you know what? i feel better. i got it all out. i know what's wrong with me. now i just need to learn how to fix it. and one thing that i know will take away my fears is falling in love again. its scary and yes, i'm afraid of getting hurt. but what if? what if i find that person that proves me wrong, that shows me what it is like to love and be loved in return. and i guess...maybe it doesn't have to be love that i'm after. but maybe just a nice sweet guy who can show me that i do matter, that i'm not a worthless cuntbag, excuse my language. i just need to feel right with a guy, feel like i can trust them. then maybe i'll be fixed...well aside from the anxiety and fears i've newly retained.

but my god to i want jake. it's getting out of hand, like i'm actually letting myself get attached to him. no no no no no! i can't do that, not because i'm scared of falling for someone or any of that hoo ha but because, well clearly i am not his type. yeah sometimes i feel like he flirts with me, but he does with everyone. i'm nothing special, just some chick he works with. so i need to move on. now only if i could find someone else to move on to..there is always jason. and i know that i don't want him, and it's not just because of his looks. he's way to depressed for me. i'm trying to move out of that part of my life, and if i get into anything serious with him...well i'd be moving right back into it. he's not a happy person. i mean yeah, he acts happy on the outside..but what about when he can't act happy anymore? who is he then? that's what i don't like about him. he told me as a kid he never smiled and his dad always told him he needed to smile more. i'm sorry, but i can't save him. i tried that once and i just got fucked over. not that he is anything like that buttttt..i don't want to get hurt. not now. not ever. but especially not now because i just got out of something way worse than i could have ever imagined. and at this point in my life, i'm trying to hard to get back to where i was before all of it happened. and it would not be worth it to be brought down by him. because i have worked..and i'm still working to be happy with myself. i can't afford to lose that all to somebody who isn't happy at all. i like him as a friend..and maybe i do have feelings for him, but they aren't boyfriend girlfriend feelings. it's nothing serious, i just want to talk to him to get to know him...to be his friend and maybe occasionally make out with him at parties (which was a mistake btw). I think doing that made him think i wanted something more..but i was so drunk, i can honestly say i don't remember a bit of it.

idk. i'm having trouble figuring out who i am, and it's going to take me a lot longer than i ever intended because it was taken away from me for a very long time. i feel good right now, i'm getting stronger. i'm not afraid to say what i think in most situations...but not all. i'm happy. and i used to think that was too much to ask for. i used to scream at God, convinced he must hate me because he was letting me suffer. Convinced he wanted me to die, that he was on the wrong side. but...that was just a bunch of nonsense. i was blinded, and while i'm still trying to find that reconnection with God, i know he wasn't out to get me. that was ridiculous, and i know i said somethings that, to be honest, i'm not sure he can forgive me for. but it's done and it's getting fixed..and i hope to never be that low again. because the pain was over the top. i just wish i would have gotten out sooner than i did. but that's just it, i got out, i had to be forced...but i'm out. and i'm living and i'm having fun and experiencing life. and i've got the greatest friends in the whole world, i couldn't ask for anything better at this time in my life. and i can only see things going up from here...

my gpa is up, and if i retake that english class i'll be back to above a 3.0
i smile, everyday
i haven't had a break down in four months
i'm not smoking = D
i actually have my money
i'm getting a new phone
no fights with my parents
no drama
got new tires...
and i'm reconnecting with the people who made me who i am

you know? i seriously couldn't ask for anything more. it's a miracle.

love. is not lost.

it just hasn't been found.

it's something that you have to know.

deep down.

something is keeping me from it.

dark. mysterious.

a secret unknown to most, is my demise.

some know.

and they judge.

but i steer away from judgement.

for i am not to blame.

i am not the secret.

for the secret is within.

it shall not be named.

until i can give someone the right to my ways.

i want to love.

i want to trust.

but why do i ask so much?

people say it's not to feared.

but i am revered.

no patience.

lost temper.

glass braking, bottles fall.

the empty unknown.

the drunken disguise.

never to be satisfied.

if i ever forgive.

i shall never forget.

for what shall not be named has harmed me to the abyss.

something i crave.

eating my insides.

maybe.

if i had been more wise.

foolish child. go away.

worthless. harmful.

to this day.

it shall remain hidden.

something known to few.

but who i am...
is a secret.

and i have to trust to let you know.

for fear is instilled in me.

and my soul has been drained.

if i could i would disdain.

something that cannot be handled.

by most.

not even i.

scary. putrid.

tired of watching you cry.

is it worth it?

this life you lead.

maybe help is what you need.

but for now i shall let it rest.

because for my soul is it best.

my body. my mind, does not need more distress.

for what shall not be named is eating.

eating away.

at who i once was.

and who i hoped to be.

please stop me from going astray.

i need not paleness.

in the darkest of night.

goodbye.

sweet dreams...

for a lonesome goodnight.