i wish i wasn't so emo inside my head.

all that i think about are these emotions that i feel. i can't escape from them, but i ignore them so well. and i'm starting to realize that ignoring them isn't helping me. it is only making things worse. i run away from every feeling i feel until they bottle up so much i explode. and these explosions come at the most ridiculous times and happen for virtually no reason a all. i've found that talking about things and actually feeling them really helps me in the long run. i've also figured out that no, i can't make it on my own. as independent and i make myself out to be, i still need my friends and my family. they complete me, they make me whole. i can't stand to be alone for more than a day. i need people in my life, and i need the right people. i'm sick of these no good, stuck up, pricks trying to prove themselves better than everyone else. it is annoying, and i don't want to be around that type of person because honestly, it brings me down. and i don't need that, not after all that i have been through. and i am also starting to realize that yes, i have been through a lot. but quiet frankly that doesn't mean shit. what does it matter? all that stuff is in the past and i can overcome it and get through it with the help of all these wonderful people around me. i don't need to waste anymore of my time thinking about that past, because it doesn't do anything for me. it doesn't make me happy, it only makes me sad and want to change how things were. and obviously, i can't travel back in time and make that happen. i'm getting better, it is a lot of work though. at one point i thought it was too much work. but what is better than happiness with your life, really? i'm sick of being sad and wishing things were different than they are. that only drags me down. and i'm sick of being drug down. i'm over that. i want to learn how to stand up for myself. i let people walk all over me because i'm small and that gives them the impression that i'm weak and easily taken advantage of. but you know what i say to that? FUCK IT! i'm sick of people thinking they can boss me around and act all better than me just because i'm little. it doesn't make me insignificant, it doesn't make me weak; or sensitive. or any of that bull. in fact, i should be teaching myself how to show them the exact opposite. and that is what i'm going to do. i want to learn to believe in myself, i want to learn how to be the person i'm meant to be. sometimes i think it is kinda sad that it has taken me almost 22 years to figure this out, but then i realize everyone else has the same struggles as me. everyone struggle with who they are at one point or another, it happens at different times for everyone. and i'm proud of myself for finally learning about me, and figuring out who i am. and i have a lot of help, and people to thank for that. i also have a lot of people not to thank. but without all these people doing what they did to me in the past, or in the present, i wouldn't be me. and i'm happy with who i am, and who i'm becoming. and nothing is going to change that. so...here's a shot out to all my friends and family who have made me the strong beautiful person that i am today. let's start way back in elementary school...with mrs.fuller. man was she so nice and beautiful. i wanted to be just like her, and i still do. i hope that i treat my kids, when i work in a school, the way she treated us. can't forget all of my other elementary teachers that were just wonderful. then there was mrs.k. i don't even know where to start with her...she made me realize that my unhappiness wasn't my fault and that i could overcome it. that is a hard thing to learn when you're 12, but she put me on the right track for figuring it out now. can't forget all my friends, cheslea...alicyn, amanda, lori, shawna, anna, jessie, sam. there are way too many to mention here. but how would i be the good friend and person i am today with out them? my family! plays a huge part in my life and they always have. teaching me right from wrong. and as fucked up as my childhood was, i'm happy because of it. because i learned exactly what i don't want from life. and i'm going to fight against those evils for as long as life lasts. my jobs, my professors...even my pets. man do i miss oaki and ben. they helped me learn compassion, wish is a cornerstone of my life today. and i'm really happy that i met pam. i'm not trying to give her all the credit, but right now, at this point in my life she is exactly the kind of friend i need. she is fun and caring and actually takes and interest in me, rather than just waiting for me to do all the work. which is something i am really appreciative of at this point in my life. i was starting to think that my life was just whatever, that i was always going to be taken advantage of and used for something or another. and i know i put myself in that position because i can't stand to see people hurting, and i would much rather be uncomfortable or in pain than watch anybody else suffering. but, i think what i'm learning from pam is that sometimes it just has to be about me. and that is something that i have struggled with for years. making myself happy, giving myself a break, doing what i want. it really doesn't seem that hard, but when all you have ever done is give. it is one of the hardest things in the world to take. we have this joke that she needs to teach me how to say no. and it's true...i don't know how to say no, i don't want to hurt people. but that is what i have been doing my whole life, not hurting others, but hurting myself. i don't think she knows she has made this big of an impact on my life. but really, she has. and i'm learning, i'm learning everyday that i need to do what i need to do for myself, to be the person i want to be. to grow and to learn and to be perfect, for myself not for others. i shouldn't care about what people think of me as long as i am ok with myself. and i am...at least i'm starting to be. i can't wait for the day i get to tell her all of this. and that will probably be the day when one of us is living our jobs at the daycare. but for now i'm going to enjoy our friendship because we click and we can be ourselves, and we care about eachother. and i'm not trying to get too intimate with my supervisor but, you know what? we're great friends and i really really appreciate the person she is. because she is strong and beautiful and inspiring, even if she isn't' trying to be. and she sees my good qualities, she knows what i'm made of. and i can't say that about everyone because i've always been the kid who was looked over. i tried and tried and tried to do good things, and they never got noticed. and it was hard for me because nobody every paid attention or noticed that i was a good person. instead they saw me when i was being a brat because i would get sick of people not noticing me, i didn't get enough attention i guess. i wanted to be the best and nicest and i wanted everyone to like me. but that isn't how it works, and i am so much happier now that i know that. as long as i am doing good, and i know i'm doing good and i'm happy with what i'm doing then that is enough. God sees me, i see me and i know who i am down deep inside. and that shows outside. and if somebody doesn't like it, then fuck them because they really don't matter to what my life is becoming. i am just so happy that there are people our there who can see past my hard exterior that i put on. i know i'm a mess inside, and i struggle with that everyday of my life. but it's coming together, and it will all be fixed someday. i'm just happy that i have people who love me and who will treat me right, because without them, i honestly don't think i would be here today.

thank you.