i wish i wasn't so emo inside my head.

all that i think about are these emotions that i feel. i can't escape from them, but i ignore them so well. and i'm starting to realize that ignoring them isn't helping me. it is only making things worse. i run away from every feeling i feel until they bottle up so much i explode. and these explosions come at the most ridiculous times and happen for virtually no reason a all. i've found that talking about things and actually feeling them really helps me in the long run. i've also figured out that no, i can't make it on my own. as independent and i make myself out to be, i still need my friends and my family. they complete me, they make me whole. i can't stand to be alone for more than a day. i need people in my life, and i need the right people. i'm sick of these no good, stuck up, pricks trying to prove themselves better than everyone else. it is annoying, and i don't want to be around that type of person because honestly, it brings me down. and i don't need that, not after all that i have been through. and i am also starting to realize that yes, i have been through a lot. but quiet frankly that doesn't mean shit. what does it matter? all that stuff is in the past and i can overcome it and get through it with the help of all these wonderful people around me. i don't need to waste anymore of my time thinking about that past, because it doesn't do anything for me. it doesn't make me happy, it only makes me sad and want to change how things were. and obviously, i can't travel back in time and make that happen. i'm getting better, it is a lot of work though. at one point i thought it was too much work. but what is better than happiness with your life, really? i'm sick of being sad and wishing things were different than they are. that only drags me down. and i'm sick of being drug down. i'm over that. i want to learn how to stand up for myself. i let people walk all over me because i'm small and that gives them the impression that i'm weak and easily taken advantage of. but you know what i say to that? FUCK IT! i'm sick of people thinking they can boss me around and act all better than me just because i'm little. it doesn't make me insignificant, it doesn't make me weak; or sensitive. or any of that bull. in fact, i should be teaching myself how to show them the exact opposite. and that is what i'm going to do. i want to learn to believe in myself, i want to learn how to be the person i'm meant to be. sometimes i think it is kinda sad that it has taken me almost 22 years to figure this out, but then i realize everyone else has the same struggles as me. everyone struggle with who they are at one point or another, it happens at different times for everyone. and i'm proud of myself for finally learning about me, and figuring out who i am. and i have a lot of help, and people to thank for that. i also have a lot of people not to thank. but without all these people doing what they did to me in the past, or in the present, i wouldn't be me. and i'm happy with who i am, and who i'm becoming. and nothing is going to change that. so...here's a shot out to all my friends and family who have made me the strong beautiful person that i am today. let's start way back in elementary school...with mrs.fuller. man was she so nice and beautiful. i wanted to be just like her, and i still do. i hope that i treat my kids, when i work in a school, the way she treated us. can't forget all of my other elementary teachers that were just wonderful. then there was mrs.k. i don't even know where to start with her...she made me realize that my unhappiness wasn't my fault and that i could overcome it. that is a hard thing to learn when you're 12, but she put me on the right track for figuring it out now. can't forget all my friends, cheslea...alicyn, amanda, lori, shawna, anna, jessie, sam. there are way too many to mention here. but how would i be the good friend and person i am today with out them? my family! plays a huge part in my life and they always have. teaching me right from wrong. and as fucked up as my childhood was, i'm happy because of it. because i learned exactly what i don't want from life. and i'm going to fight against those evils for as long as life lasts. my jobs, my professors...even my pets. man do i miss oaki and ben. they helped me learn compassion, wish is a cornerstone of my life today. and i'm really happy that i met pam. i'm not trying to give her all the credit, but right now, at this point in my life she is exactly the kind of friend i need. she is fun and caring and actually takes and interest in me, rather than just waiting for me to do all the work. which is something i am really appreciative of at this point in my life. i was starting to think that my life was just whatever, that i was always going to be taken advantage of and used for something or another. and i know i put myself in that position because i can't stand to see people hurting, and i would much rather be uncomfortable or in pain than watch anybody else suffering. but, i think what i'm learning from pam is that sometimes it just has to be about me. and that is something that i have struggled with for years. making myself happy, giving myself a break, doing what i want. it really doesn't seem that hard, but when all you have ever done is give. it is one of the hardest things in the world to take. we have this joke that she needs to teach me how to say no. and it's true...i don't know how to say no, i don't want to hurt people. but that is what i have been doing my whole life, not hurting others, but hurting myself. i don't think she knows she has made this big of an impact on my life. but really, she has. and i'm learning, i'm learning everyday that i need to do what i need to do for myself, to be the person i want to be. to grow and to learn and to be perfect, for myself not for others. i shouldn't care about what people think of me as long as i am ok with myself. and i am...at least i'm starting to be. i can't wait for the day i get to tell her all of this. and that will probably be the day when one of us is living our jobs at the daycare. but for now i'm going to enjoy our friendship because we click and we can be ourselves, and we care about eachother. and i'm not trying to get too intimate with my supervisor but, you know what? we're great friends and i really really appreciate the person she is. because she is strong and beautiful and inspiring, even if she isn't' trying to be. and she sees my good qualities, she knows what i'm made of. and i can't say that about everyone because i've always been the kid who was looked over. i tried and tried and tried to do good things, and they never got noticed. and it was hard for me because nobody every paid attention or noticed that i was a good person. instead they saw me when i was being a brat because i would get sick of people not noticing me, i didn't get enough attention i guess. i wanted to be the best and nicest and i wanted everyone to like me. but that isn't how it works, and i am so much happier now that i know that. as long as i am doing good, and i know i'm doing good and i'm happy with what i'm doing then that is enough. God sees me, i see me and i know who i am down deep inside. and that shows outside. and if somebody doesn't like it, then fuck them because they really don't matter to what my life is becoming. i am just so happy that there are people our there who can see past my hard exterior that i put on. i know i'm a mess inside, and i struggle with that everyday of my life. but it's coming together, and it will all be fixed someday. i'm just happy that i have people who love me and who will treat me right, because without them, i honestly don't think i would be here today.

thank you.

millions of peaches, peaches for me.

turns out with alcohol and emotions; i can cry.

i'm not even sure what i want to talk about, or even how i'm feeling. i'm a little tipsy and that has taken my edge off. i'm feeling things again. i can't decide if that is a good or a bad thing...this week at work was hell. we unpacked and moved and blah blah blah. and it was stressful and just when i thought i was done, i had to do more! and i miss spending time with pam. like legit miss hanging out with her. I feel like we've become really close. we went out to dinner on monday, and we just get along and i enjoy her company. and it sucks now that i won't even be able to talk to her most days. but i'll have to get over it. it's just, she can make me smile when i don't want to. and that is really nice to have at work because it gets stressful. especially when you're paired up with people you don't like.

actually; i'm missing a lot right now. i miss my childhood, i miss my friends, my family, being in love...and these emotions are starting to get the best of me. i think to much and that is something that i don't really want to do. because the more i think, the more i worry. and worrying sucks, especially after i have been drinking. however, it is kind of nice to cry. i just wish i wasn't alone right now, because i wouldn't be feeling this way. i hate being alone. and i don't mean alone as in without a boyfriend, but just alone..like there is nobody else around. my and kyle are in bed, and i'm downstairs pouting and thinking about shit i don't want to think about. i guess i'm just thinking too much...i don't have enough brain capacity for this right now. i just want to lay here and not think. just be. but i'm trying to do that, and then i get all fucking philosophical. ha.

i wish i had somebody to talk to. to keep my mind off myself. moving home is boring and is leaving me lonely quite often. i came home yesterday and my mom and her boyfriend were literally having sex upstairs. we don't have cable, all that i have in the internet. so...i didn't have much to do except facebook creep and watch glee until they had finished their business. needless to say, i was sort of mad. and by mad i mean livid. and by livid, i mean i hid it well. just like i hide everything else. i realize i'm not that outspoken, nor do i want to be. but damn, i wish i could just tell people how i feel. i guess i've experienced lots of bad consequences for doing such things. too much negative reinforcement. but i guess that is life, and i'm not the only one this happens too. and i also guess, that i just need to be ok with myself. and i think i'm getting there, but damn it is a lot of work and it is using up my emotions. good thing i don't have anything too trying going on in my life right now, otherwise i would be a damn wreck. fack. idk..i have to go to the rest room. and then i think i'm going to spend my time thinking and staring at the ceiling. very productive, i realize this.

night.
sleep tight.

why exactly is it so hard to be ok with myself? with the way i look, the way i am? i just don't get it. i hate this "societal pressure" that is put on me to look perfect and be skinny. because that is all want to be, and i'm obsessed with it but i don't have enough control or motivation to do anything about it. which just makes me so miserable and sad. and might be slightly killing me inside. it might even be making me sick, and that totally is starting to worry me and i'm not very comfortable with that idea. i want to be normal...i want to be that girl that everyone thinks is pretty. i want to be perfect. but why the hell can't i just except that i am perfect the way i am? it really shouldn't be this hard and idk why i'm freaking out over it and obsessing. idk what caused this...but i don't like it. and something has to change. soon.

i had really forgotten how much i like to write. it wasn't until i started this class that i realized i have more to write about now than ever...and the only reason i ever stopped writing was because of my controlling boyfriend whom i was embarrassed to write around. i'm good at it. better than i am at most things.except juggling, if i tried i could do that forever. but this class i'm taking...its about food writing. and as weird as that sounds i find it oddly enjoyable. it's not so much writing about food that i like, it is the tapping into my memories and bringing them to life on paper. i have always loved that feeling. the feelings of being excited to write about something because you know what you want to say. and i don't really get the chance to do that very often, and the journals that we are writing in now aren't going to be read by anybody. but i really think it is bringing me back. and i love it. i love getting my emotions and thoughts and feelings down on paper, it feels so wonderful afterwards. and i know most people can't do that. most people can't find their voice and write about whatever, whenever. however, i wish i could still write poetry like a boss. when i look back at what i wrote from highschool and i am shocked. it's like some completely different person wrote that. i don't feel like i have as many feelings tucked away inside like i used too. i tell people about them and learn from my mistakes now instead of taking everything everyone says so damn personally. i know i still do that and i know i take things to heart, but i do love myself and that is something i have struggled with for a very long time. i finally know who and how i want to be and it's beautiful really. i want to be a good person who sets a good example for the kidlets. i want to let people know i am trustworthy and honest and will take blame for my mistakes and i will do what i can to work on problems until they no longer exist. and sometimes being me is hard, i'll admit it. but it isn't something i would ever want to change. Everyday i feel like i'm changing more and more as a person and that is something that i really like about myself. I may never be perfect and i might not be worth it to some people, but all that matters is that i am worth it to myself. and as long as i'm not thinking about killing myself or dropping off the face of the planet anymore...well that is progress. and even if i am the only one who knows i have gotten this far, and i am the only one who truly knows where i can go...i'm going to do it. not for them, but for me. an then i'm going to prove to everyone what a great person i am, because really all we need is love and somebody to take care of, that will also take care of us. i mean, this world really is a beautiful place if you look past societies shit. we are all human, we all have feelings and thoughts that need to be catered to. and that isn't an inconvience to be anymore, that is something beautiful and something that i truly want to appreciate more. i want to be the person that is there for people, that can help them and lead them. somebody that people can trust and call friend...there are a lot of things i can do with my life. and when i was younger i thought that i was going to do something big, no...i knew that i was going to do something big. and while i'm not so sure i'm superman anymore...i'm getting there and i'm getting back to the place that i was before josh happened. and i need this. and the world needs me...even tho idk what the hell for. but maybe i'm here for something, because i'm starting to think that we all have something to do with each other, even if we don't know it.

ok..i'm slightly inebriated and i need to go to bed. i apologize if this makes no sense.