i had really forgotten how much i like to write. it wasn't until i started this class that i realized i have more to write about now than ever...and the only reason i ever stopped writing was because of my controlling boyfriend whom i was embarrassed to write around. i'm good at it. better than i am at most things.except juggling, if i tried i could do that forever. but this class i'm taking...its about food writing. and as weird as that sounds i find it oddly enjoyable. it's not so much writing about food that i like, it is the tapping into my memories and bringing them to life on paper. i have always loved that feeling. the feelings of being excited to write about something because you know what you want to say. and i don't really get the chance to do that very often, and the journals that we are writing in now aren't going to be read by anybody. but i really think it is bringing me back. and i love it. i love getting my emotions and thoughts and feelings down on paper, it feels so wonderful afterwards. and i know most people can't do that. most people can't find their voice and write about whatever, whenever. however, i wish i could still write poetry like a boss. when i look back at what i wrote from highschool and i am shocked. it's like some completely different person wrote that. i don't feel like i have as many feelings tucked away inside like i used too. i tell people about them and learn from my mistakes now instead of taking everything everyone says so damn personally. i know i still do that and i know i take things to heart, but i do love myself and that is something i have struggled with for a very long time. i finally know who and how i want to be and it's beautiful really. i want to be a good person who sets a good example for the kidlets. i want to let people know i am trustworthy and honest and will take blame for my mistakes and i will do what i can to work on problems until they no longer exist. and sometimes being me is hard, i'll admit it. but it isn't something i would ever want to change. Everyday i feel like i'm changing more and more as a person and that is something that i really like about myself. I may never be perfect and i might not be worth it to some people, but all that matters is that i am worth it to myself. and as long as i'm not thinking about killing myself or dropping off the face of the planet anymore...well that is progress. and even if i am the only one who knows i have gotten this far, and i am the only one who truly knows where i can go...i'm going to do it. not for them, but for me. an then i'm going to prove to everyone what a great person i am, because really all we need is love and somebody to take care of, that will also take care of us. i mean, this world really is a beautiful place if you look past societies shit. we are all human, we all have feelings and thoughts that need to be catered to. and that isn't an inconvience to be anymore, that is something beautiful and something that i truly want to appreciate more. i want to be the person that is there for people, that can help them and lead them. somebody that people can trust and call friend...there are a lot of things i can do with my life. and when i was younger i thought that i was going to do something big, no...i knew that i was going to do something big. and while i'm not so sure i'm superman anymore...i'm getting there and i'm getting back to the place that i was before josh happened. and i need this. and the world needs me...even tho idk what the hell for. but maybe i'm here for something, because i'm starting to think that we all have something to do with each other, even if we don't know it.

ok..i'm slightly inebriated and i need to go to bed. i apologize if this makes no sense.