well it's thanksgiving, a day to celebrate all you are thankful for. and while i am thankful for alot...my health, my friends, my family. I am feeling very lonely. This is the first thanksgiving in over two years that i haven't had a boyfriend. and while i was at my grandparents, i seriously had nothing to do. everyone else has their little families, their kids, their husbands or wives. and i have nothing. i can't even go see my friends over the weekend because my car is at the shop, and it is starting to feel like they won't waste their time coming to see me. i just don't know what to do with myself. i have been sleeping, a lot. and that's about all i can do because when i'm sleeping that is the only time i don't have to think about my life, and how pathetic it is turning out to be. i wish i wasn't alone right now...but my computer is going to die.

happy freakin thanksgiving.

i have decided i'm going to be okay. it's a good feeling really...because justin turned out to be a jerk just like the rest of them. so, i'm over it. i have my friend and family and that's all i need. they won't ever leave me, and if they do...well then fuck them too =) i've realized that nobody in this life matters more than me. i don't mean in a selfish way..i just mean, that i have to watch out for me and i have to watch my own back. because my life and my happiness matters to ME! and for now, i'm going to feed into that happiness as much as i can because it really isn't worth the heartbreak. nothing is, and i'm done crying over him and i'm done crying over being lonely. i'm stronger and better than that. i gave him one day of my tears, and that's all he gets. i guess i don't really have much to say...

thank god for friends and family.

love love love.

justin and i broke up. i had every right to be freaking out like i was...i'm not stupid. he's a pussy, i doubt he ever loved me like he said he did because if he did things wouldn't have ended the way they did. i'm getting over him, it's hard. but i've done it before, and i'm ok. soooo...time to get drunk?! yes please.

i honestly can say i feel like everything is falling apart. justin told me before this weekend that we need to spend more time with our friends and our family...?? ok, that'd be cool if we were spending a lot of time together but we're not! i only get to see him for like..one hour on wednesdays and maybe one day during the weekend. and now that is fucking gone. i feel like he is pushing me away...he isn't saying all the cute stuff like he used to say..like that he misses me or he needs me. he barely even tells me he loves me! i was really hoping that is was never going to be like this...you know, i fucking gave him everything really fast because i completely trusted him with it because i didn't think we were ever going to drift apart. but here it is...that is exactly what is happening. we are fucking drifting apart and he is LETTING IT HAPPEN. god..i can't blame him for wanting to spend time with his brother, i mean he hasn't been able to hang out with him for 3 years...but...really? he has to cut me off completely? not to mention his stupid fucking job that keeps him so damn late. i planned on seeing him tonight, it's all ive been looking forward to since wednesday because wednesday was weird and we got into a little bit of an argument because he said he doesn't know if he can give me just one day for me and him. this all fucking sucks...i just want him soooo bad, i want to know its ok. i want to know that he isn't actually pushing me away, that it's just a thing he's going through...we're going through. i want to know that he is still in love with me...but i'm not going to know until who knows when bc he isn't able to text me and the only times he's off work he is sleeping. and i just wanna scream and cry and go to his fucking job and punch his goddamn boss in the fucking face! i can't handle this..i have SO MUCH on plate, and it is such bad fucking timing for this to be happening because i'm so stressed from school i'm an emotional wreck anyways.


this is exactly what happened in my last relationship...and the one before that. three months in and BAM it all goes to shit. i just want him so bad...so fucking bad i could die. it's stupid because i shouldn't need him that much...but i thought it was ok to put my whole heart into this because he did too, and he said he needed me too. and I FUCKING MISS HIM!

you know, it's not very often you find something like this. in anyone...it is ridiculous how afraid i am of this. but then again at the same time i am so ready. i'm ready to be committed, i'm ready to know what forever feels like. honestly, i feel like i've been with justin for forever and i day. but it's only been a couple months, and i've only known him for three months! can you know who you want to be with for the rest of your life in 3 months? is that physically and psychologically possible? i have no idea...i don't know how this is going to turn out, i don't even know if it is going to work out. but i believe it will. there has been nothing that would even give me the slightest inclining that i wouldn't want to be with him. he listens, he says communication is a BIG thing for him. what guy says that?! i'm used to the guys who never tell me how they feel, or what they are doing, or what is even going on. i'm used to those guys who want me to be around, but don't really want me to be "there". i'm used to those guys who expect me to be the perfect girlfriend. news flash..nobody is perfect. and i'm starting to think that justin and i really do love each other enough to except those imperfections. or at least be able to talk about them and come to terms with them. it's so awesome, if i have a problem i can literally tell him and not be afraid that he is going to leave me. it is amazing, the most amazing feeling ever actually. like i've been able to tell my mom everything, and jessie and chelsea...but never a boyfriend. i've always tried to make myself better and hide my flaws so i won't scare them away. but the more justin gets to know me...i feel like the more he loves me and embraces who i am. now..idk if that is true, but that is what i feel. and the same goes for him...there is nothing i have seen or have found out about him that i do not absolutely love. even if it isn't perfect, it's not scary. i'm not SCARED of him. i'm not scared of him hurting me, i'm not scared of him leaving me. i have never felt this before. i think the only way he would ever stop loving me would be if i cheated on him. which i will never ever do, i'm just not that type of person and from what he says neither is he. and i totally believe him. he is VERY into me, and i cling onto his every word. which may be good or bad, i do not know. all that i know is that i want to know more of him...i want to embrace and love everything about him. i'm ready for this relationship to last, i am ready to be with him forever and i know we could make it work and i want to make it work because if he is being his true self right now...i could certainly love him forever. now, i do have to admit i am a little afraid of him changing because that has happened before. it is all fun and special and sweet...and then BAM three months into it they decide that they've roped me in and they don't have to try anymore, that no matter what they do i'm stuck with them. and i know now, sure as shit, that i don't have to stay with them...i can leave whenever i want. i have that power because i am human too, afterall. i don't know why it took me one really bad relationship to figure that out, but i'm sure glad i did because i can live life now and i can love myself and i can love others. i don't feel like i want to die anymore, i don't feel worthless. i mean, i still have my fallbacks...but they aren't near as bad, and nobody is perfect. which is why this relationship has been able to work for me also, i don't have those high love story expectations anymore. i don't lie to myself and tell myself that it is going to work out exactly how i want it to. i just let things happen as they come, and so far it has worked out beautifully for me because i'm HAPPY. yeah, that's right i said it...HAPPY! so that fucker who made me feel like i wanted to die and i wasn't worth anything can FUCK OFF! and i'm over it, totally over it. i have found somebody who can be himself and whom i can be myself around, whom i trust...somebody who won't make up excuses, somebody who will tell me how they feel, somebody who can kiss me and make things better, somebody who wants to know how i work...i have found that all around relationship that i have always looked for. and the best part is...i don't have to try! i don't have to force him to be a person, i don't have to dig to see what his true feelings are. and i truly believe he would do anything for me, and you know what? i would do anything for him because i love him with my whole heart, maybe even more. and i pray and i wish and i hope and i DREAM, that justin and i stay like we are, that nothing changes, that he keeps being the awesome man i met and fell in love with. because...i love him enough to know that if he broke up i would be completely crushed and i would never stop loving him, no matter what.

i found this postsecret yesterday and it says, "knowing that there is one, just one,person with your personality and vibrance out in the world, makes me feel completely optimistic and happy about living in it." whoever sent it in has a beautiful mind, and knows exactly how i feel about the people i love.

so for the record, i love JUSTIN DAVID WOODWARD! and i never ever want to love anyone else, because as it stands...he is making me believe in fate more and more everyday.

you are the only exception

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
Paramore The Only Exception lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com/paramore-the-only-exception-lyrics.html

I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Ohh---

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

i can honestly say i love him more than anything. i do. there are no doubts about this one...i've been looking for every excuse and nope notta. its wonderful, albeit not perfect...it's exactly what i've always wanted. can we please keep it that way?