cowgirls don't cry.

these late nights waiting for justin to get here are bad for my heart..i think. i thought he was getting off work at 11...but he isn't getting off until 1. and i want to see him so bad it hurts...idk if i can wait a couple more hours. i'm so emotional. its scary..and i know it i just because i'm pmsing..i hope. i feel like i'm going to start..and i'm suppose to start, like now. but its really light..and i'm kinda worried i might be preggo. it sure doesn't feel like i am tho, not that i would know what it feels like, but i'm having cramps like a mother fucker. so idk. i'm just sad..i hate waiting. and i just want my baby. thats all, i don't care about anything else. i went to my work meeting, i did my homework...and now i'm just sitting here and it is only 11:15. and i can't stop thinking about how bad i just want to see him now. and if i had the choice i would make him be here..lol but i'm not that kind of person, and i wouldn't do that anyways, to anyone. i just miss him and i want a hug and a kiss and to cuddle. i seriously feel like i'm going to get sick bc i miss him so bad. is this normal? i don't want to be like dependent on him or any of that shit...because i'm a very independent woman. sounds kinda retarded...but i've worked really hard to be that way, and i don't want that all to just fall apart because i fell in love. i can't like that happen...no. fuck i'm so sad. wtf! i hate having emotions and shit...i just want to be happy and not think about the stupid shit. but justin is the ONLY person who will make me stop thinking about what i can't stop thinking about. it is really frusterating...bc he isn't around me all the time like i need him to me. ...did you hear that? i need him! ugh, what am i turning into? you know maybe its not that bad...maybe falling in love doesn't have to mean i have no life, maybe falling in love means i can still be myself. in fact, justin has shown me nothing but just that. he lets me be who i am...and lets me hang with my friends. i get to make decisions for me. i guess i just don't know how to deal with that because in my last relationship i had no life outside of us. literally..i wasn't allowed to. and i can tell you straight up i'm never going to let that happen again. ever. i'm too good for any of that shit. idk if that is cocky or selfish..or whatever. but i can honestly say i don't care about any of that shit anymore. who cares about what people think of me?? i sure as hell don't. ok well i do...but not my peers. i remember when i used to be soooo fuckin worried about being accepted. like to the point where i would cry and try to change as much as i could that way people who just like me. and i guess in a way i'm still kinda like that...but instead of changing i've come to accept that the me who i actually am, people like. and even if they don't...well then quite frankly they aren't worth my time. plain and simple.


i'm so bored. and tired...i think i'm going to fill out some more lame ass surveys and fall asleep til justin gets here. bc i can assure you i would definitely cry if he didn't come tonight =(

ugh, idk what to do. i can't get fuck face out of my mind...it's like i think about him once or twice a day. and then when is start thinking about him all the bad memories come flooding back and then i start thinking about what i would do to him if i saw him or talked to him. its super weird, and idk what to do. i'm over him, i am SO over him. i have no feelings left for him except for hatred. And i realize he was a big part of my life...2 years is a long time. but i never realized it would haunt me like this, and i don't know how to get the fuck over it. i know i don't love him, and i know i love justin and i want to be with justin for as long and life permits. and i feel bad thinking about what i'm thinking about...it seems partially unfaithful. it seems like i'm cheating on justin because he isn't the only one on my mind. i just need to convince myself that these thoughts i'm having don't mean anything because even if i were to talk to or see "him" again, it would be bad. i would freak out and i have a panic attack and get pissy. just because all the bad stuff is stuck in my head...i think about the two times he hit me over and over constantly. and it is sickening. people get beat up all the time, so why can't i just forget about it in and move on. i shouldn't have to deal with this. its not my fault, its not my problem. i just want it out of my mind becuase i don't want justin to know it still causes me anxiety and fear, that what "he" did still pains me. and it doesn't hurt because i love him anymore, actually for the last year of the relationship i didn't love him...and maybe i never even loved him at all. so i know justin is the only one i truly love, he is the ONLY ONE for me and that is how i want it to be. he treats me right, he apologizes he does what he says he's going to do. and i swear to god if he ever calls me a bitch or the c word...i will freak the fuck out. because that is all 'he' called me...i was never beautiful or sweet or wonderful or perfect. i need justin, i need him to prove to me that i can get over this with his love. but how do i do that when i don't want to admit to justin what is going on in my head? when i can't admit that 'he' is still there...and you know, maybe it isn't even 'him' in my head. maybe i'm just making it a bigger deal that it has to be made. maybe i'm psychotic...maybe i need somebody to seriously sit me down and tell me that i'm not going to be haunted forever. who the fuck knows...i just want to get over it, like i can get over everything else. nothing hurts anymore, because i've been so damaged that nothing even compares to the pain i felt, so it can't hurt. and here i am pouring my heart out to you, and what are you going to do?? nothing. i need this to go away! i haven't felt like crying forever, i'm too strong to let it bother me. but here i am in my raw un-gaurded anger, and what do i feel like doing??? crying. i feel like bawling my eyes out to justin of all people. i want him here so badly,. and even if i didn't tell him what was going on in my mind at least i could hug him and feel the true love that i deserve and i could be whisked away in bliss, even if it was just for a second. i want my baby.

ok. i can do this...i can be strong, i can move on. i'm beautiful, i'm caring, i'm capable of loving and of being loved. i have the perfect boyfriend who would do anything for me, and i have the best friends and family who would be there for me in a heartbeat. i'm doing good,and i love my life!

i know i haven't posted about justin yet, but that is because everything is so amazing! so beautifully amazing i can't even begin to explain how i feel about him! i don't know if it is a bad or a good thing that i feel so right about this. i feel like he IS THE ONE, and that is kinda scary for me. ecspecially when you look on my past relationships. i mean i did tell fuck face i would marry him, and i thought it was real. but it wasn't and i know that now. with him i had doubts, i knew it wasn't right i just put it out of my mind and decided that i would settle. and now that i look back on it, that was very fucked up. to put it nicely. i screwed myself over, i could have stopped it. but if that wouldn't have happened, i'm sure i wouldn't be where i am right now. and i am blissful at the moment. i am completely and totally in love with justin it is almost unbearable. and i don't mean that in a bad sense, i mean it in a very very good one. i feel like my heart is going to explode! i seriously have never ever felt like this before, ever. no matter how much i thought i did, i didn't. it wasn't real. but this is, i know it. and i hope it never ever ends because it feels so right in so many different ways. and i know i can be a bitch and i know he can be an asshole, but i am so willing to accept that because that is just how people are. they get mad, they do things they don't mean. but it's different with him because i know for a fact that justin will NEVER hurt me. and if he does, even unintentionally, he will make up for it. because he has a good family, he treats his mom right. and that is a big thing, because everyone says it is important to look at how a man treats his mother bc that is a reflection of how he treats women. i just feel so completely and totally safe with him. and i don't mean just because i know he would kill someone for me, but i know he wants me to be happy. he wants to please me, he wants to be MINE and ALL MINE and he wants me to be his, forever. and i have to admit it is kinda scary. because i've given my heart away once, and we all know how that ended up. but i have given EVERYTHING to justin, and it really hasn't even been that long. but i trust it. and that scares me. it scares me not because i'm afriad of him hurting me, because i can handle that. aint nothing he could do to me that hasn't been done before. and now i know what to do, and that is just simply to get the fuck out. but i am afraid of hurting him. and i realize i have no reason to be afraid of this, because i would give anything for his love and for his respect. but he is so big and so strong and so...manly. and i know that if i hurt him, it would completely crush him and he would cry and be depressed and i can't bear thinking about him that way. i can't stand that he is so sad when i'm not with him. and i know it is ridculous to think that i just want to be with him ALL THE TIME. but i do...and i'm honestly not worried about getting sick of him. that doesn't freak me out...and i'm not worried about him getting sick of me. because it is too good for that. and maybe it's too good to be true? idk...it's still very early in the relationship, i mean hell it hasn't even been two months yet. but i just know that this is going to last...if not forever, then for a very very long time. i don't intend on ever being with anyone else. i could see myself being with him thru college, getting engaged..,thru grad school...getting married. and marriage scares the SHIT out of me. but if he is really being true to who he is now, then i know its right because he is everything i have ever wanted in a guy. EVERYTHING. and i know that we could get thru anything because he talks to me, i know what he is thinking. and he WANTS to know what i'm thinking. it is important to him. and omg that just makes me feel SO GOOD to know that what i think and what i do is important to him. he treats me like a princess, he's even called me his princess =) i love being his world, and right now he is one of the only stable and worthwhile things in my life. everyone else is full of drama, or flaky. it's all really irritating. but oh man, i would give anything to be in his arms right now, to be in his arms any second of any day. he makes me laugh like no other...this really is the most beautiful feeling in the world. and its so raw and pure, i can't imagine feeling any other way about him, or feeling like this towards any one else. i love him with my WHOLE HEART, and he has every piece of it. and i totally trust him to cherish that, because right now i don't even intend on leaving his arms. it's just so perfect there.