so i know what i want. but what is it going to take to get it?

remind me again why i'm living this life...

i love myself. i like the person i am, but why doesn't any guy?

does it really have to be this complicated to be happy?

scratch that....

does it really have to be this complicated to get a guy to like you?
what ever happened to liking her for her?

i guess i have to just let it happen, wait for the right time.
my patience is wearing thing?

where ARE you prince charming? i'm. right. here.

i talked to sam tonight about why it is that we feel so hopelessly lonely. we are beautiful people, we have grrreat personalities...but are people really that shallow? is it really all about looks? if so..thats just sick. i realize i'm not super beautiful, but i'm not terribly ugly. i realize that i'm not model skinny..but i'm not obese. if i were as skinny as society tells me to be, i would look awkward because i'm so short and my boobs are so big. what does it take to get a good man? well..my point is, is that it is pointless to try. i'm sick of trying to make myself look good, i'm sick of thinking i'm not good enough. i'm sick of being afraid of what i want because i'm not perfect, because i'm a girl. it is disgusting. i look at all these other happy couples, and just get so jealous. i want to be them, i want to be happy and pretty and perfect and...gag. i want to be me. is that such a hard thing? i want to be okay with it. so my conclusion is...is that in order to be able to find love, i have to love myself first. it doesn't seem that difficult. but i've lost track of who i am. and it's really frustrating. but i'm getting there, i'm starting to not be worried so much and act like myself around people. and you know what? it makes me happy, who knew? but there is still a problem...i can't be myself around boys. why are they so intimidating? to be honest, i want more than anything to be able to cuddle with the person i love, to kiss them..to hug them, just to be with them and to feel safe. and it's almost pathetic, but it is human nature to want to be loved. but i should be able to do this on my own, i should be able to make myself happy. and i know i've said i'm going to work on it...and i am, and i'm improving. but i have to give up this vision of finding the perfect man, because it's not going to happen. at least right now, right now i'm not even capable of loving somebody completely. i can't even love myself. so i'm going to make a list...a list of the good things about me. and i'm going to live for said list..and eventually i'm going to be capable of loving who i am, as well as somebody else.

1) I'm great at making people feel good and making them smile.
2) I'm honest
3) I'm one of the most reliable people anyone could ever meet.
4) I can be silly with out being rude and ignorant.
5) I'm mature
6) I'm selfless
7) I would do anything for my friends/family
8) My hair is wonderful
9) I love my eyes
10) I have the cutest feet I have ever seen on an adult
11) My life is full of meaning
12) I can understand and be accepting of just about anything

..i'll add more later. but for now, i'm just going to end it with my new favorite miranda lambert song, and the feeling that i really do love my life.


The House That Built Me
I know they say you cant go home again.
I just had to come back one last time.
Ma'am I know you don't know me from Adam.
But these handprints on the front steps are mine.
And up those stairs, in that little back bedroom
is where I did my homework and I learned to play guitar.
And I bet you didn't know under that live oak
my favorite dog is buried in the yard.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself
if I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

Mama cut out pictures of houses for years.
From 'Better Homes and Garden' magazines.
Plans were drawn, concrete poured,
and nail by nail and board by board
Daddy gave life to mama's dream.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could just come in I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

You leave home, you move on and you do the best you can.
I got lost in this whole world and forgot who I am.

I thought if I could touch this place or feel it
this brokenness inside me might start healing.
Out here its like I'm someone else,
I thought that maybe I could find myself.
If I could walk around I swear I'll leave.
Won't take nothing but a memory
from the house that built me.

miss independent

Miss independent
Miss self-sufficient
Miss keep your distance, mmmm

Miss unafraid
Miss out of my way
Miss don't let a man interfere, no

Miss on her own
Miss almost grown
Miss never let a man help her off her throne

So, by keeping her heart protected
She'll never, ever feel rejected
Little miss apprehensive
Said ooh, she fell in love


What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true


Misguided heart
Miss play it smart
Miss if you wanna use that line, you better not start, no

But she miscalculated
She didn't wanna end up jaded
And this miss decided not to miss out on true love

So, by changing a misconception
She went in a new direction
And found inside, she felt a connection
She fell in love


What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (when love, is true)


When miss independent walked away
No time for love that came her way
She looked in the mirror and thought today
What happened to miss no longer afraid?
It took some time for her to see
How beautiful love could truly be
No more talk of why can't that be me
I'm so glad I've finally seen


What is this feeling taking over?
Thinking no one could open the door
Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real
What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive?
Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (when love, is true)

Miss independent

here i go again. being all lonely and shit. you know, i actually told sam that i might get married. that's not nomral, i don't even intend on getting married because i'm so freaking scared of it. hell i'm scared of dating because i got so fucked over last time. i can handle the random hookups, the no emotions attached thing. that's okay with me, but what is going to happen when i find i guy that i'm really attracted to, and not just in the physical sense? i have a feeling i'm going to take off running, and i do not want it to be that way. i don't want to be afraid. i want to be able to give someone my heart and trust them with it, and take theirs as well. i want to be connected to another human being on an emotional level so badly. i want a boyfriend, but i get so nervous. yes, i like jake. i can't deny that. but do i just like him because i can? do i just like him because he's purely sex to me, or do i really like him as a person? hell, i barely even know him. i don't know if he's attracted to me. sure he talks to me, at work. i want it to be more so badly, but i want him to do it. i don't want to seem creepy. i feel like i'm on a lower level than he is, and i know that if we're meant to be that won't matter. but who the hell knows what this is, sometimes i feel like i'm just imagining the whole damn thing. but i want it so bad. this is so stupid. i wouldn't be so fucked up if i hadn't of...well you know. i just want to cry. because there is so much about me that has changed and i want it to be back to it was more than anything. i want my self confidence, i want inner beauty. i don't want to cower away from the things i want because i'm afraid of getting shot down. i don't want to run away when emotions get involved, i want a healthy emotional state. and most of the time i have that, but not when it comes to relationships. i find myself crying because i'm alone..but yet i find myself crying because i don't want a relationship. i want to focus on me and my schoolwork...but to be honest i'm sick of it. and it would be so nice to have a distraction right now. and the boys i have to choose from to distract me...aren't what i would really pick. i'm sure they are great friends, but for some reason they both seem to think that there is potential with me and them. and there is not. i'm not attracted to either and i really don't want to lead them on. its really very frustrating because i want to open up to them, i want to have a guys opinion and someone strong to lean on...but if i open up to them that puts me in a situation where i can get hurt. and when i'm vulnerable like that these boys think that is their chance to swoop in and save me. THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT. and i also do not want to hurt them, which is what i've been known to do. "she's all talk but no action". i don't want to be action..i want to be what someone needs. and that doesn't mean i want to take care of them..but i want to be that girl that that boy needs by her to complete her. and i know it's a bunch of love story bullshit. but i love that feeling, i love being special to someone. and i miss it, i miss it soooo much. its so retarded how upset i am about this, but its like my friends are dropping one by one to these amazing guys...and i'm stuck here, scared and alone. i can't deny that it isn't great being single, i love my freedom i love the relationships i have with my friends. but i know that the perfect guy is not going to stop me from doing what i want, i'll still be able to have my friends and my freedom. where the hell is he. i haven't even been waiting that long and i'm already retarded about this. how long has it been? four months...and i can at least pride myself for being completely moved on. but i want somebody to move on with. i wish i could fill this with random hook ups and sex...but that just feels good and if i tried to connect to that person i would only get hurt. this is a really complicated place i'm in...and it's only within me. i'm so glad i don't have the issues i used to have...the whole dying cutting shit. that was way to distracting..and by overcoming that i know i can overcome this and i can be ok. i've heard that guys are attracted to confidence..so that's what my next self improvement process is. i'm going to develop my confidence...maybe i'm doing this for jake...but more than anything i'm doing this for myself because i need to be a strong person again. and that's who i'm going to be.

<3

so. i'm lonely. and it seems like one certain friend always spurs these emotions. i fucking hate it. i told this girl that her bragging to me about all these guys she keeps meeting is making me depressed. i mean i just got out of a huge breakup..and i'm not really in the mind set for bragging. i want to hear about it and know how she is doing. but the only thing she can talk about is boys boys boys. i can't handle it, i feel like i'm in 7th grade again. i hated 7th grade. i am not looking for a boyfriend, nor do i want to be. buttttttt...(i'm going to try not to be judgmental here) why is it that ugly people can get boyfriends (ugly couples are cute) but i can't? like i know i'm not ugly but i also know i'm not drop dead gorgeous. it just seems unfair to me...is there something wrong with me?

no, i know there isn't. but it doesn't help that i'm crushing on this ABSOLUTELY gorgeous guy from work. the only thing is is that he is way out of my league and i would never stand a chance with him, ever. like over my dead body. but i love him. that might be an over-statement. but really, he's cute he has a very charming personality and he actually can hold a conversation. and he's actually held a conversation with me, instead of just ignoring me. maybe that's the only reason i'm crushing on him...because he's an actually human being. who knows. maybe i'm just on the rebound. who the fuck knows. but i want him for some strange reason. and i know i can't have him..and they guy i can have told me he was dying of a rare lung disease the other day, but he was lying. and i don't think i like him anyways. and that was creepy.

but i guess i'm kind of over my being lonely rant. cheeseball here i come.