ok. so it's spring break. and this is exciting because it is the first time i have actually been able to live at home in over 2 years. i love my mom. and i hate him.

so i came back friday night and amy was here = ) gosh i love her, i kid you not we are the exact same person. she can make me laugh no matter what. it's a miracle because as i was driving home friday night i starting thinking about the puppies i had with him and how much i miss those little guys. and i cried but as soon as i got home and saw amy was here my mood completely lightened up and we had the best girls night ever. we played king's corner until two o clock in the morning. lol then on saturday my mom and i when to a holistic wellness fair. that was something different, let me tell you. it was all about healing and there were psychics and books and chiropractors, and stones. my mom is on this stone kick. she believes in the healing power of them, which creeps me out a little and makes me worry about her. but she got this pendulum deal and if you hold it up with your hand and ask it a question it will move without you making it move. so i tried it when i got home and it worked! i asked it if my name was really my name...and it went clockwise which meant yes. i'm still not totally convinced but it was pretty cool. then today i went shopping with her, it was fun! i went into shoe carnival and saw some of my cold shoe carnival friends = ) it was truly awesome. but i think the thing that i'm really looking forward to over spring break is seeing my friends. i want to see ady so damn bad. and kirsten and i want to go to sam's house to meet her dogs. lol ya i'm a dork but they are cute and there are no pets around here! then i think either friday or sat i'm going to my dads to give him money and my dad wrote on my facebook wall today that this summer we're going on vacation to cali! i've never been there = ) so i guess things are looking up for me for once! i just don't want to get lonely anymore but i think if i surround myself with people i love then i won't have to worry about it? lol i'm going to try!

can't wait.

so i'm in the midst of a minor mental break down. i told myself i wouldn't let it bother me...but it is, and i'm letting it and i just want to bawl my eyes out. i know crying would make me feel so much better, but i can't. even tho i feel like crying, i can't just let it out.

i want a relationship so badly. idk why, i don't NEED it. but i want it. i want that feeling of comfort. knowing that you really don't have to impress anyone. that your not trying to find somebody. and i always promise myself that i'm not going to try to find them, that i'm going to let them find me. but while i'm waiting, my confidence is dropping slowly. its like i'm draining away. i don't want to have to wait forever. and it's just so dumb to me, because i'm not this girl. i don't want to be jealous of other people's relationships. i don't want to worry about being in a relationship. i just want to have fun and meet people, but that is not easy to do for me. i'm too fucking shy, and thats something i really thought i worked on. but then again, i never had to meet new people. and now i'm put in all these really new and akward situations. and i don't know how to handle myself. there is this guy, joey, amy and i both like him. we think he's cute, whatever. i don't personally think there is any connection between us. i don't see the possibility of anything EVER happening because i know he is clearly not into me. but you know what? it would be nice to have a flirt buddy, somebody who i know thinks i'm attractive and brilliant. preferably one who does not have a girlfriend. i was talking to a bosnian kid for a while, but he acted like i was dumb for asking him questions. so i got a little upset and haven't talked to him since. i didn't freak or anything, that's not me. but i let him know that i in fact, am not stupid. it's just hard because even though i actually went out and went to that party, i couldn't bring myself to let loose. i feel so young and little compared to everyone, even though half of them were my age or possibly even younger. and i get so intimidated. and i feel worthless. and this is how it was before i got a boyfriend, and i hated myself. and now i don't really hate myself, but i know i need to change it to be who i want to be. but idk how to do that. and it's becoming an issue. and i do realize i have only been single for a month, but i feel like once i was free i should have been able to fulfill all those thoughts and desires i had when i was with someone. and maybe i only had them out of spite. who knows. i just want to be normal, whatever that is. i want to be respected and i want to be beautiful. i just wish being beautiful didn't involved weighing 100 lbs. being beautiful is more something that comes with time, something that people can see in you and know that you are a good person. and i know i'm a good person. and i know i want to gain the respect and trust of every single person around me. and i know that i mostly have. but it's still not good enough. no matter how hard i try i'm always second best. and maybe that's just how my life it going to be, i'm always going to be in second place. and i would be willing to except it and move on but now i know that is not what i want for my life, not all the time. i don't want to be the person who backs up everything and does good deeds with out getting recognized. that is who i've always been and i always end up like this. is there something wrong with me? i feel invisible. and it's really wearing me thin. i want somebody who understands, i want somebody who can make me feel comfortable with myself. and it would be totally awesome if i could do that. if i could be able to make my own happiness. but right now i can't, and i don't want to wait to give it time because at this moment the pain doesn't feel worth it.

you know how they always say, "do unto others as you would want them to do unto you"? you know the golden rule? it doesn't work. i do everything in my power to be the type of person i would want to know. i try everything in my power to treat others as i want to be treated. but i don't get it back, ever. instead i get blamed for stealing, and called a "little bitch". i want to give up being this person. i want to just throw it all away and be that dumb blonde girl that everyone loves because they feel smarter than her. but i can't because that isn't me, and if it were i would throw up. i'm deeper than that.

i just need somebody. and thank God for my friends..amy, sam, shawna <3>

so i'm sitting in my friend sam's room, kinda bored out of my mind but not necessarily wanting to go back to my room because it's not worth the drama. apparently somebody has been using becca's credit card around town. according to her, "they have been taking it out of my bag and using it and then putting it back". this i don't believe. but she text everyone in the suite earlier stating that somebody has been using her card, she isn't pointing fingers, but if she doesn't find out soon who it is she is going to the police. greeeeattttt. that's just what we need. the roomates across the way just got into a screaming match and i had to hear enough of that. plus, kennedy, one that lives across the way is blaming ME for stealing her money. i am literally the last person any one would have to be worried about. i don't steal..hell i don't even lie to people. and i guess she called me "a little bitch" and said that if i tried to confront her she would "kick my ass". so i'm staying away from her..i don't want any screaming matches. i know it wasn't my fault, so i'm just going to ignore it. it is not worth it. i haven't been involved in crap like that since middle school. i intend to be happy and careless..and i college girl blah blah blah. whatever that means anyways. still haven't figured out this whole thing. i'm having a terrible time right now meeting people. i'm not in any groups or any sports. so it's hard to get out there, and i don't really party because i don't know anyone. and my friends don't really invite me out anymore like they used to. so idk i'll figure it out sometime. but i can't wait for summer, maybe summer will fix everything and i'll actually be able to find myself. i'm really hoping there is a cute boy at work, pathedic i know.but what else do i have to look forward to? nothing. ugh i'm going to stop getting sappy before i get depressed. lol

so goodnight i guess,

talk to you tomorrow!

thanks for helping me solve my problems.

dollhouse, priscilla renea

I’m just a girl, you’re just a boy
This is my heart, it’s not a toy
So what’s with you playing with my mind
We used to be cool, this used to be love
Now it’s become, something like a job
Like it or not, maybe things were changing right before our eyes

I tried to be a picture perfect girl
But you were in your own fantasy world
Tryna control me like some kind of Barbie
but that just ain’t me

Cause I ain’t a doll, this aint a dollhouse
You’re way too old to be, puttin me down like this
and playing around like this
I ain’t a doll, this ain’t a dollhouse
No, I could never be, stuck living life like this
behind these four walls,cause I ain’t a doll

You call the shots, right down to my shoes
I liked what you liked cause you told me to
And i don’t think that you could even tell
I fell out of love, but it never showed
I gave up on us so long ago
But you’ll never know
baby don’t pretend like you know me so well

I tried to be a picture perfect girl
but you were in your own fantasy world
try to control me like some kind of Barbie
but that just ain’t me

I ain’t a doll, this ain't a dollhouse
You’re way too old to be, puttin me down like this
and playing around like this
I ain’t a doll, this ain’t a dollhouse
No, I could never be, stuck living life like this
behind these four walls,cause I ain’t a doll

I’ll never be made of plastic
So glad that my heart’s elastic
No matter what you do
I’ll bounce back offa you
Cut me but I’m not bleeding

I tried to be a picture perfect girl
but you were in your own fantasy world
tryna to control me like some kind of Barbie
but that just ain’t me

I ain’t a doll, this ain't a dollhouse
You’re way too old to be, puttin me down like this
and playing around like this
I ain’t a doll, this ain’t a dollhouse
No I could never be, stuck living life like this
Behind these four walls, I ain’t a doll

And I come with imperfections
Epitome of perfection
if you can’t understand, loving the way I am
then you’re no good for me, so glad i kept my receipt

picture perfect girl

so this is the second time i've set up a new blog because i don't want to look at or see my depressing stories from my ex. my promise to myself right now at the beginning of this blog is to NEVER mention that boy or talk about him because he made my life hell and i'm way happier with out him = )

now that i got that out of the way...

the iowa teacher of the year just came and spoke to my foundations of education class, and she was brilliant. even though i have no desire at this point in my life to be an english teacher of any sorts, i really look up to her because she knows how it all works and she's like a goddess at it. I really aspire to be the kind of person she is, i mean she has it all together AND is wonderful at her job and of course she's beautiful. lucky duck. maybe, eventually when i figure out who i am i will be able to be like her. because at this point i just don't know who i am. he took that away from me, and i'm struggling so hard to figure it out. and for some reason i want it to happen right now. like BAM i'm ok with everything. but...unfortunately it just doesn't work that way. and i'm not being patient whatsoever. i'm struggling with this no boy thing, i feel like i'm just not attractive and that's why i can't find a boy. which i know isn't true because i know i'm not hideous, but i'm not like those "picture perfect girls". whom actually kind of make me sick. i just don't understand why everyone would want to look and act exactly the same. i mean to an extent i get it, to get accepted or whatever. to get the boys. but i'm not like them and i feel like a disease. and i guess all this negativity is coming from the break up, i lost myself and my confidence along the way and i guess it is going to take some time to gain it back. and i'm trying to let it, i'm trying to just "go with the flow" but what the hell is the 'the flow' exactly? i feel like i can't just let things happen, its not as easy as it seems. i want to be in control of my life because if i'm not i get so lost and confused and stressed out. sometimes i just have so much on my plate that my brain feels like its going to explode. and i have no outlet because my roomates have begun to suck, and i'm alone. also, i have no pet..which is a weird situation for me because i've always had a pet and i feel like i can get attached to animals and they won't turn their backs on me. maybe i'm just crazy, i'm not sure. but this is a really akward point in my life and i'm trying to fix it. so i'm going to try to get on here more often and figure out my thoughts one by one, delve through them, and then maybe possibly figure out who i can really be = )