millions of peaches, peaches for me.

turns out with alcohol and emotions; i can cry.

i'm not even sure what i want to talk about, or even how i'm feeling. i'm a little tipsy and that has taken my edge off. i'm feeling things again. i can't decide if that is a good or a bad thing...this week at work was hell. we unpacked and moved and blah blah blah. and it was stressful and just when i thought i was done, i had to do more! and i miss spending time with pam. like legit miss hanging out with her. I feel like we've become really close. we went out to dinner on monday, and we just get along and i enjoy her company. and it sucks now that i won't even be able to talk to her most days. but i'll have to get over it. it's just, she can make me smile when i don't want to. and that is really nice to have at work because it gets stressful. especially when you're paired up with people you don't like.

actually; i'm missing a lot right now. i miss my childhood, i miss my friends, my family, being in love...and these emotions are starting to get the best of me. i think to much and that is something that i don't really want to do. because the more i think, the more i worry. and worrying sucks, especially after i have been drinking. however, it is kind of nice to cry. i just wish i wasn't alone right now, because i wouldn't be feeling this way. i hate being alone. and i don't mean alone as in without a boyfriend, but just alone..like there is nobody else around. my and kyle are in bed, and i'm downstairs pouting and thinking about shit i don't want to think about. i guess i'm just thinking too much...i don't have enough brain capacity for this right now. i just want to lay here and not think. just be. but i'm trying to do that, and then i get all fucking philosophical. ha.

i wish i had somebody to talk to. to keep my mind off myself. moving home is boring and is leaving me lonely quite often. i came home yesterday and my mom and her boyfriend were literally having sex upstairs. we don't have cable, all that i have in the internet. so...i didn't have much to do except facebook creep and watch glee until they had finished their business. needless to say, i was sort of mad. and by mad i mean livid. and by livid, i mean i hid it well. just like i hide everything else. i realize i'm not that outspoken, nor do i want to be. but damn, i wish i could just tell people how i feel. i guess i've experienced lots of bad consequences for doing such things. too much negative reinforcement. but i guess that is life, and i'm not the only one this happens too. and i also guess, that i just need to be ok with myself. and i think i'm getting there, but damn it is a lot of work and it is using up my emotions. good thing i don't have anything too trying going on in my life right now, otherwise i would be a damn wreck. fack. idk..i have to go to the rest room. and then i think i'm going to spend my time thinking and staring at the ceiling. very productive, i realize this.

night.
sleep tight.

why exactly is it so hard to be ok with myself? with the way i look, the way i am? i just don't get it. i hate this "societal pressure" that is put on me to look perfect and be skinny. because that is all want to be, and i'm obsessed with it but i don't have enough control or motivation to do anything about it. which just makes me so miserable and sad. and might be slightly killing me inside. it might even be making me sick, and that totally is starting to worry me and i'm not very comfortable with that idea. i want to be normal...i want to be that girl that everyone thinks is pretty. i want to be perfect. but why the hell can't i just except that i am perfect the way i am? it really shouldn't be this hard and idk why i'm freaking out over it and obsessing. idk what caused this...but i don't like it. and something has to change. soon.

i had really forgotten how much i like to write. it wasn't until i started this class that i realized i have more to write about now than ever...and the only reason i ever stopped writing was because of my controlling boyfriend whom i was embarrassed to write around. i'm good at it. better than i am at most things.except juggling, if i tried i could do that forever. but this class i'm taking...its about food writing. and as weird as that sounds i find it oddly enjoyable. it's not so much writing about food that i like, it is the tapping into my memories and bringing them to life on paper. i have always loved that feeling. the feelings of being excited to write about something because you know what you want to say. and i don't really get the chance to do that very often, and the journals that we are writing in now aren't going to be read by anybody. but i really think it is bringing me back. and i love it. i love getting my emotions and thoughts and feelings down on paper, it feels so wonderful afterwards. and i know most people can't do that. most people can't find their voice and write about whatever, whenever. however, i wish i could still write poetry like a boss. when i look back at what i wrote from highschool and i am shocked. it's like some completely different person wrote that. i don't feel like i have as many feelings tucked away inside like i used too. i tell people about them and learn from my mistakes now instead of taking everything everyone says so damn personally. i know i still do that and i know i take things to heart, but i do love myself and that is something i have struggled with for a very long time. i finally know who and how i want to be and it's beautiful really. i want to be a good person who sets a good example for the kidlets. i want to let people know i am trustworthy and honest and will take blame for my mistakes and i will do what i can to work on problems until they no longer exist. and sometimes being me is hard, i'll admit it. but it isn't something i would ever want to change. Everyday i feel like i'm changing more and more as a person and that is something that i really like about myself. I may never be perfect and i might not be worth it to some people, but all that matters is that i am worth it to myself. and as long as i'm not thinking about killing myself or dropping off the face of the planet anymore...well that is progress. and even if i am the only one who knows i have gotten this far, and i am the only one who truly knows where i can go...i'm going to do it. not for them, but for me. an then i'm going to prove to everyone what a great person i am, because really all we need is love and somebody to take care of, that will also take care of us. i mean, this world really is a beautiful place if you look past societies shit. we are all human, we all have feelings and thoughts that need to be catered to. and that isn't an inconvience to be anymore, that is something beautiful and something that i truly want to appreciate more. i want to be the person that is there for people, that can help them and lead them. somebody that people can trust and call friend...there are a lot of things i can do with my life. and when i was younger i thought that i was going to do something big, no...i knew that i was going to do something big. and while i'm not so sure i'm superman anymore...i'm getting there and i'm getting back to the place that i was before josh happened. and i need this. and the world needs me...even tho idk what the hell for. but maybe i'm here for something, because i'm starting to think that we all have something to do with each other, even if we don't know it.

ok..i'm slightly inebriated and i need to go to bed. i apologize if this makes no sense.