“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again."

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”


“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”
― Maya Angelou


“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
― Lao Tzu


“Some changes look negative on the surface but you will soon realize that space is being created in your life for something new to emerge.”
― Eckhart Tolle


“Things changed, people changed, and the world went rolling along right outside the window.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle


“I have accepted fear as part of life – specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says: turn back....”
― Erica Jong

“Right now I want a word that describes the feeling that you get--a cold sick feeling, deep down inside--when you know something is happening that will change you, and you don't want it to, but you can't stop it. And you know, for the first time, for the very first time, that there will now be a before and an after, a was and a will be. And that you will never again quite be the same person you were.”

“Just because I liked something at one point in time doesn’t mean I’ll always like it, or that I have to go on liking it at all points in time as an unthinking act of loyalty to who I am as a person, based solely on who I was as a person. To be loyal to myself is to allow myself to grow and change, and challenge who I am and what I think. The only thing I am for sure is unsure, and this means I’m growing, and not stagnant or shrinking. 
”

“We can't be afraid of change. You may feel very secure in the pond that you are in, but if you never venture out of it, you will never know that there is such a thing as an ocean, a sea. Holding onto something that is good for you now, may be the very reason why you don't have something better.”

I'm at the point again.
Where I have far too much going on in my head.
Any normal person would go insane.
Clearly I'm not any normal person.
I keep everything so fucking bottled up.
Why?
Its messed up and I hate myself for jt all the time.
If i could just fucking talk about things life would be a hell of a lot easier.
My mom moved.. That's been awful.
I hate it.
I'm doing fine with everything else but ive cried like 3 times in the past month.
Weird.
I know.
And now that I'm upset, i can't fucking cry.
What kind of fuckery is this.
I feel as though if trained myself to be so rock hard that i can't even control it anymore.
It just happens whenever it wants to.
Ugh.
Alec and i are no longer talking.
I'm glad.
I wish i wasnt because i feel like a terrible person for being happy about this.
But he was so damned negative ad full of drama.
I don't do the drame thing.
Ever.
And I'm sure as shit not about to statt now.
One more thing i need to get off my chest.
I slept with jessies boyfriends brother.
We'd cuddled before that but I'm so physically attracted to him its ridiculous.
I crave to be with him and in his arms.
Ive never felt like this about a guy ive had casual sex with...
And I'm not sure i like it.
I don't want feelings to get involved but i think its happening.
And to be honest...
That scares the shit outta me.

<3

i'M LiViNG iN A SKY OF DiAMONDS

i absolutely hate all that i have going on in my head right now.
graduation.
moving in with jessie.
my mom moving.
the custody battles.
not getting into grad school.
getting a new job.
alicyn's wedding.
it all seems to be piling on top of each other.
i'm handling it well now..
but i can feel a break down a comin' and it won't be any good.
maybe if i look for the good in these things, i will feel less anxious?
well..
i'm graduating from college. that's a big step.
i made it! everyone is so proud of me.
it's weird though because i don't feel like it is happening.
like i'm actually going to get out of that place..
it will be overwhelming the day it happens.
but, truthfully, i am looking forward to it.
moving in with jessie is a huge plus!
it will cure my loneliness, at least for a while.
and she is my best friend forever.
i'm worried we will fight...
but i think we are close enough and able minded enough to know when enough is enough, and what to do to fix it.
my mom moving just sucks.
but she will be happy and so will kyle.
that's assuming kyle will get to move, his dad is fighting for custody.
i don't know who will win.
his argument seems pretty flimsy.
i'm not looking forward to going to court and being a witness for my mom.
i just hope that whatever the decision is, it is in kyle's best interest.
because i know he will not be happy at his dads...considering he hasn't ever been much of  a father.
my dad and jodi are in the middle of a custody battle with my little cousin ben.
he needs them, i just wish that the other half of his family would realize that.
no, i didn't get into grad school.
i didn't cry like i thought i would, but it isn't the end of the world.
i can reapply, or take online classes (even tho i don't want to).
i'm more upset about having to pay loans...
this is the real world after all.
scary.
i got a new job with my old supervisor at a daycare downtown :)
i'm really excited about this opportunity, but i'm worried because i only took the job to get me through grad school.
i will be hired on as full time eventually though, and hopefully become a lead teacher.
this job will give me the experience i need to get into the social work program.
and after six months i can switch to other jobs in the company.
i am really looking forward to this.
i will miss the daycare i am at now though..
and i promise i will cry when i leave those kids!
and then there is alicyn's wedding...
i'm okay now.
but it has been a cause of stress.
first she didn't ask me to be in it..
and then katie is being all flaky with the dress buying when she is the one who wants to match.
quite frankly, i could care less if we matched or not.
it will be nice if we do tho and we will look good in the pictures.
it is just going to be painful for me to see alicyn and fully realize that she is no longer one of my 'true' friends.
she is a mere acquaintance, whom i used to be best friends with.
i will realize this at the wedding.
i have already seen how much she has changed and how little i mean to her now.
it hurts me.
but i'm accepting it.
there is nothing i can do..but let go and live my life.
same goes for everything else.
i'm not going to let it bog me down.
i can't.
i'm stronger than that.
and for as much as i live in my head...
and don't rely on others for support and comfort.
i'd say i'm doing okay.
and i will continue to do okay.

I REALLY being alone in my apartment.

i hate it a lot. 

g'night.

so my mom is officially moving to colorado with my little brother. 

i've tried not to think about it too much...

b/c it really upsets me.

but i talked to pam about it this morning, 

and i can't stop thinking about it.

you know...

she's right,

at least i am in college and it's not like she is abandoning me in highschool.

i'm an adult and i would be moving out of her house anyways.

but..does that mean she has to leave?

i mean,

she even admitted to me that i'm one of her only best friends.

i visit every weekend.

and kyle loooooves me.

i'm the best sister ever!

he's so blinding by sean.

everything revolves around him.

and i know why...

b/c it's new.

sean is new and shiny and he wants to play with him.

which is cool..

kyle needs a real male adult role model.

but what happens when he starts to miss me?

does he not realize that he is going to only see me once..

maybe twice a year?

no of course he doesn't...

he's only 9.

meh.

i just hate change.

and everything is going to change this summer.

everything.

and it makes me crawl in my skin.

but it will be okay...

i'm a big girl.

i can handle these things.

but i don't want to!!! 

whining isn't going to get me anywhere.

i just need to love and let go.

i'll be okay.

they will be okay.

right???

:)

Sorry I have been avoiding you lately.

I know you missed me...

so here is a wonderful picture of my face on this wonderful day.

I promise to write more,

I'm just so..

busy, busy,busy!!

<3