look what i found :)

you know,

there are quite a few things i don't like about myself.

i'm not the weight i'd like to be,

or the height.

i'm not outspoken.

i don't voice my opinion.

my nose has a stupid bump on the ridge from when rachel kicked me in the face.

my boobs are TOO big.

and more often than not, 

i am a mess.

i can't deny that.

by i sure as shit can hide it.

and that is another thing, i don't like about myself.

it has not been easy being me.

and i'm sure it's not easy to be anyone.

maybe everyone has the same ol' shit go through their head as i do mine.

or maybe not.

regardless, i don't like it.

and i'm not sure that i will ever be able to come to terms with myself.

quite frankly,

i just don't understand.

it's not that i don't know who i am, or who i want to be.

or what i can do with my life...

i don't think i'm a failure,

or a fuck-up.

and i definitely do not think i'm not good enough for society anymore.

but there was a point that i was.

that i thought i was useless and that nobody wanted to waste their time on little old me.

sooner or later i found out this wasn't true.

with the help of a few good people.

but,

i have my relapses.

thus is human nature.

we aren't perfect,

nor will we ever be.

and that's that.

some people may think they are perfect,

but they are only lying to themselves.

i used to try so hard to be perfect.

i pushed myself in all directions,

comparing myself to people and struggling with what my abilities are.

it took me 20 years to realize...

i am me.

i am special.

i am different.

which is something we are taught in elementary school.

it's a hard concept to grasp.

and it has been an especially hard one for me.

and even though i am a much stronger person now then i ever was.

i still fight with this side of me,

and i probably always will.

and i honestly don't think i will ever be okay with knowing that's who i am.

i don't want to be negative nancy, or debbie downer.

i want to be who i am, completely and totally.

vulnerability and all.

and be ok with it.

and i don't know why that is so hard.

but it is something i am absolutely still searching for.

and even if it takes my whole life...at least i'll be living for something..

it's okay to live for me.

i don't have to please everyone just to feel good about myself.

i don't want to lie to myself anymore..

and pretend like everything is okay inside my mind.

when really i am a mess of a human being.

and i know this has all be said before...

by me even.

but i want to be that beautiful caring and wonderful person i have always dreamed of.

not perfect.

trying to be perfect would mean i am giving in.

and i'm not.

and i won't.

and even if it breaks me...

god dammit,

i'm going to be happy with myself.

because i love me, i really do.

all of my insecurities and bullshit.

<3

I've been a walking heartache.

I've made a mess of me.

The person that I've been lately,

ain't who I want to be.

But you stay here beside me...

and watch as the storm blows through.

And I need you.

Cause God gave me you for the ups and downs.

God gave me you for the days of doubt.

And for when I think I've lost my way.

There are no words here left to say, it's true.

God gave me you.

^ that's because i'm awesome.

i love being back at school.

there is no doubt about that.

yeah, i may have a crazy ass roommate.

but at least life isn't boring.

i can learn to deal.

i'm good at "dealing".

i started my internship yesterday...

and it was super fucking fun.

we talked for a while and then we went to the kindergarten classroom

and i got to observe him teach a guidance class.

and it was so much fun...

and it was totally adorable.

next week i get to start going in in the mornings and sitting in on individual sessions.

i'm so interested to see how he handles things.

i want to be good at this,

and i'm very grateful for this experience because i get to see how it's done.

and by the end i hope to be able to actually teach a guidance class.

i'm no sure if i'll be okay with that...

but after 140 hours you would think.

but who knows,

sometimes i'm chicken shit.

ummm....

my mom went to colorado today to see shawn.

she seems so happy.

and i'm happy for her.

but, i can't help but think about how selfish she is being.

it's over my birthday...whatever.

i'm not even really upset about that anymore.

more or less i'm stuck on the fact that she is ditching me for a dude.

which is no surprising,

but hurts regardless.

i am super pumped for my birthday though.

we are going to casa for dinner then bar hopping.

i feel as though not very many people can come...but that's okay because i'm not sure i want a huge party.

we're just going to have to see how things play out.

i'm sure it will be a blast...

it's like the 21st birthday i never got :)

i think i'm off to bed.

jshore is a re-run today.

ho hum.