so, valentines day has come and gone. and to my surprise i survived. amazing, right? it wasn't so much the being single on valentines day...well ok it was that. valentines day is a stupid made up holiday that celebrates love and lust...and candy. i don't have any of those things...not even the candy. so what is there to celebrate? nothing, haha. right. it's kind of sick joke the world plays on single people. like, why don't we get a day to celebrate our singleness? that'd be an even bigger joke because we can celebrate our singleness everyday. but what about those of us who don't want to be single, and who more specifically, don't want to celebrate it? then what do we do? well, my solution was to get drunk. but that didn't make me feel any better because there was a boy..yes omg a boy!! texting me the whole time i was out to eat with my friends. i met him saturday we cuddled, idk it was a good time and we'd been texting. everything was all cute until he started getting all whiny and pouty and basically begging me to come over to see him. first off, i didn't want to i wanted to spend the night with my friends like i'd told them i would do. and second off, ok i get you want to hang out with me but seriously? i honestly think he was trying to guilt trip me into coming over and watching movies with him. fuck that. i've been guilt tripped into enough in my life, i deserve to make my own decisions. so he was pouting and i didn't really want to hear it and i was a little drunk. so, my phone died (like i told him it was going to) and i got back to my room plugged it in and fell asleep (also what i told him i was going to do). i text him the next day apologizing and he was all short worded with me and hasn't text me since. so i'm kind of confused i guess, and maybe it was just the drink talking when he was begging me to come see him because he wanted to spend more time with me...or maybe he really did. but all that i know now is that he doesn't lol so i like myself get a little excited about a boy...bad sara, bad. and i have this feeling that i'm not good enough for any guy out there, well at least not good enough for the ones i want. and then the ones that want me are gross. so i'm a little discombobulated. idk what to think. i can feel my confidence slowly trickling away from me...and i want it back. and its not that i've lost all confidence in myself, its the confidence in my body and my looks. and its not that that is all that matters to me, but it would be nice to feel good about myself. i really want to lose weight, i think that would make me feel great. but idk how. i know there is diets and exercising and blah blah blah. but it costs money to buy health food and it costs money to get a gym membership. so what do i do? i do not know. i'm too poor to be healthy.

jessie went thru this whole thing with ben and i can't really say what its about, just that it was big deal. and it was sad because jessie's other best friend totally judged her for it and was being a bitch. you know how girls get. so jessie got pissed...and then her friend lost her baby. SHOCKER! it was bad but she never fully apologized for the way she acted earlier and jess is still hurt by it. and jess keeps leaning on me for advice...well, maybe not so much advice but a shoulder to lean on. and i thought it was going to get better bc her friend said sorry and they were going to hang out. but then her friend made other plans...and its just a catastrophe. like, no good in the hood. i hate girl problems, i really truly do. i try to stay out of them as much as possible because i don't deal with them well. i've figured out that i'm really not good at emotions. i hate when people get sappy. it's the worst because i'm pretty sure i don't have those sentimental feelings anymore. idk if thats a good or a bad thing. i mean sometimes..it feels like i'm missing something?! but i try not to think about that. see?! and when i was lying awake the other night bc i couldn't sleep i figured out that there are only 4 things that really make me cry:
1)death
2)when my parents yell at me
3)relationship issues/ getting dumped
4)and when i have a panic attack..but this one doesn't really count because ive never actually cried while having one, i usually hold it back.

speaking of panic attacks, i had one at work last week. it was awful. i honestly haven't had one that bad..well since i was at hyvee the week before. but it's not normal. i was shaking and near hyperventilation. i had to go to the bathroom and hide and breathe. i don't even have a reason to have a panic attack. you know it's getting bad when it happen for no reason. it really really scared me. i've been ok since though, so i'm thinking it was no big deal.

i guess i'm just overwhelmed with homework and drama. it is kind of stressful i suppose. but i can't let it get to me, i've got too much to do. we're playing this 'game' in history and i have to be a certain person and write speeches and dress a certain way for class...and it makes me really nervous because i don't want to do it. i don't like public speaking and i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm glad he didn't give me a very big role otherwise serious panic will set in. but hopefully these next few weeks fly by because then it will be spring break! and i'm going to a kick ass concert with jess...and we're going to have the time of our lives and buy tshirts, well at least i am lol

goodnight world.