you know, life is hard. but it is only as miserable as you make it. i've decided to start living my life with no regrets, i'm back to who i was before justin crushed my heart. i know i am who i'm suppose to be and i don't need a damn man to make me that way. all that they do is get in the way of my dreams and slow me down from what i'm becoming. sounds cruel doesn't it? i'm not saying this to be mean or to get back at anybody. i'm not better because of josh, or justin. maybe a little bit resentful, but i'm over it. i don't NEED that, i don't NEED a boy in my life to make me feel loved and wanted. my friends and my family make me feel like the most wonderful person in the whole world. and i enjoy being there for them and doing things for them and with them and making them happy and making them laugh. because i'm the person everyone can come to when they have a problem. i'm the person everyone can come to when they just need to talk or just simply need a shoulder to cry on. i'm the person who can be the best friend in the world. and when i'm with someone, they take away from that. even if they aren't making me try to please them, that is all i want to do because i love them and i want them to be happy with me. and it always turns out that i try so hard to make them happy, they end up stopping trying for me. and they let me go. and i'm better than that, the people who truly love me and want me in their lives with never let me go. and i don't want to be with someone who doesn't give a shit whether they see me, or whether i'm happy. as a matter of fact i don't need them at all. i don't need them in my life, and i don't want them in my life. i'm completely content with being single, and i have found happiness here. sure, i get lonely and sometimes i want to get laid. but honestly, i haven't found a single person who is as good in bed as justin was, so that is kind of out of the picture too. i can't enjoy it, so i don't need that either. and i've kind of realized that the only person i can REALLY TRULY depend on to make my life worth while and to make me into who i want to be, is myself. i don't ask for too much in this life, i deal with what i'm givin and that isn't usually as much as everyone else. but fuck it, i'm not going to let that get me down. i'm not going to let this stupid broken heart control my happiness, broken hearts are for assholes. i'm figuring out who i am, and i'm attempting to figure out who i want to be, and a relationship is just going to get in the way of that. i'm not trying to be a man-hater or some kind of crazy ass feminist, i'm trying to be me. and the person that i am, has found true happiness in being single. i am in love with my life and i don't need a boy to complete that. all that i need is my friends my family and some serious confidence and self-esteem to help me survive in this cruel world. fuck the haters =) i'm doing what i need to do to make me into the person that i want to be, and nobody is ganna stop me!

love's a game of easy come and easy go

today was an interesting day, to say the least. i had to be into work early because pam has this flesh eating rash and that went pretty smooth. but then after work i didn't take my usual nap and during both of my classes i fell asleep. so i took the most amazing nap ever, heading back to work. where i got a call from one of the kid's mothers that there was some psycho right behind my apartment building like...holding himself hostage and threatening to blow up his house and shoot any one that entered. that freaked me out. so i called kim and pam lol...i miss pam though. it's weird not having her there, but i feel bad for her because i guess her eyes are swelling now. i hope the doctors that she is going to see in iowa city tomorrow can figure it out =/ i really like her. it's kind of ridiculous actually. i get excited to go to work..to see her?? idk it's weird to explain and no matter how i say it, it makes me sound creepy weird. but we get along really well, and i feel like we are a lot alike. and if the circumstances were different, and she wasn't my boss, we could probably be really good friends. i'm weird i know. but anyways...i had a fucking anxiety attack today. and the cigarettes didn't even help. it was bad! i was all shaky and one edge. i hate that shit, i haven't felt like that forever.

i just wanted to say that i really appreciate and am thankful for all my friends, and especially my family. my dad and step-mom just helped me get a new car because the silver bullet died. my mom, she's just awesome, one of the greatest friends i could ever ask for. then there's jess, who gets me completely. even though i don't really get her right now. but its ok. and catherine and anna...who are the best roomates ever. and then there is shawna, who is pretty much my soulmate. i'm so sick of being lonely and sad because i don't justin anymore. and it is really awesome to have all these people surrounding me and loving me. as much as i want a boy, i shouldn't because i have all the love i could ever need =)