i hate emotions more than anything
i don't like having them...
i prefer to be comfortable and ignore the stupid shit that is going on inside my head.
but i can't anymore and it is fucking pissing me off.
my mom's boyfriend from colorado is here this weekend.
he's very nice and i'm glad she found found somebody that nice.
i'm happy for her.
but more or less i'm just pissed off that he is going to be taking my whole family away from me.
kyle means like...
everything to me.
he is the best little brother ever.
and as soon as they move to colorado,
i'm never going to get to see him, or my mom.
and i'm mad as hell.
she just doesn't understand how this is going to effect me.
all that she is thinking about is how happy she is..
and how happy she will be because she will have somebody to take care of her, finally.
i'm so angry.
and i'm so sad...
and i'm sick of feeling this way.
but i'm going to feel this way until i get used to them living in colorado.
and that's that.
i just want to cry forever...
but i'll ruin the weekend if i do and it will be ALL my fault.
like it usually is.
because clearly..i'm the one moving away and ruining my life.
i have no control over this...
so how is it my fault?
idk.
does she expect me to be happy she is leaving?
happy i won't get to watch kyle grow up?
well i'm not going to be..
i'm going to be pissed of and hurt and sad..
for a long time.
and it's just shitty.
because even if i do tell her how i feel...
she is going to be mad.
i'm going to be ruining her life and her happiness.
because that is all that matters, clearly.
i wish it were easier to ignore this shit and pretend to be happy.
that's all i want...
because as soon as i have emotions and i'm hurt..
i ruin everything.
and idk how this would all be my fault...
but it would end up being that way.
ugh..i guess i don't have anything else to say.
just needed to vent since it's just me against the world.
and the world is winning.