i'm a loser baby. so why don't  you kill me.

things with the boyfriend are going amazing.

i was used to talking to him every day...all the time.

when i was able, of course.

then he went and got a new job on me and we weren't able to talk at all.

for like, 3 whole days.

i don't understand why it freaked me out so much. 

oh wait, yes i do.

that's why my ex and i broke up...

ha.

funny story.

he started working more hours and wanted to spend time with his brother...

then he broke up with me and married his ex.

they're divorced now, don't worry.

this ain't no fairy tale. 

anyways...

i was freaking out because he wasn't talking to me.

i know that's stupid.

but it wasn't because i thought he was cheating on me...

or i thought he didn't like me.

i have no doubts in my mind about this one.

which is frightening really.

i just knew he was busy and was at work and he couldn't text me.

whatever right?

well, apparently my brain thought differently and decided to go into panic mode.

so after a couple of days of not talking to him.

and tossing it around in my mind of whether or not the text him and tell him i was freaking out.

i decided to text him and tell him i was freaking out.

in hindsight, i might have sounded a little crazy.

overly attached, whatever.

so i told him..and of course it took forever for him to reply.

and of course i freaked out thinking the worst.

i don't need to go into the details, nobody cares.

but instead of him freaking out and running away, you know what he did?

he said it was going to be okay.

can you believe it.

he was completely and totally there for me.

100%.

what a strange and amazing feeling that was. 

i have never felt like somebody has my back 100%.

i told him i was having crazy anxiety because i missed him and because of this whole move.

(which btw i moved - scary and terrifying also).

and you want to know what he said?

don't have too much anxiety baby. you can get through this, we can get through this!

just like that.

i am in awe.

wonder struck.

he didn't get annoyed.

he didn't run away.

he didn't break up with me.

he said we would get through this together.

me and him.

him and i.

i don't even...

i know it's probably weird how i'm freaking out about this.

it's not that big of a deal.

right?

but it is to me i guess.

i've never had a "we".

it's always been about somebody else.

and their feelings.

and what they wanted to do.

not me.

my opinions and thoughts never mattered.

nobody has ever been there for me like him, and we've not even been dating for a month.

if this is any indication of what the future holds for us...

bring it.

i never thought i could feel like this.

i've always been worried about what the other person thought of me.

trying to tip toe around things they might find annoying.

trying to hide my crazy.

i don't believe i have to do that with this one...

and i don't want him to hide his crazy.

i want to know his crazy.

is it weird to say i think our souls have connected?

idk. it might be weird.

i think i'll avoid that topic for now. 

i just don't think i will ever find this again if i lose this one.

and that's scary.

i can tell you that much.

but i don't think i need to worry about losing this one.

i think he's mine. 

i want him to be mine.

i'm okay with being..."we".

just so you know.
i have a boyfriend.
it's amazing and wonderful.

and i'm scared shitless.

i have been hurt so many times in the past.
that i'm not sure i even understand how to do this relationship thing.
he seems like the perfect person...
i know nobody is perfect.
i'm not perfect.
but what's stopping us from being perfect together?
i don't want to get in the way of what i'm feeling.
because what i am feeling...
i have never felt before.
there is so much raw emotion.
so many things i have never felt for anyone.
things that i thought i felt before..
but that weren't real.

this is real.
really real.

and i'm not sure what to do.
but the weird thing is...
i don't think i have to do anything.
i think i can just let it be,
and it will blossom.
and i don't know how to feel about that.

but what i do know is that i feel:
wonderful
beautiful
loved
cared for
smart
special

and those are some of the best feelings i have felt in a long time.
but there are so many of them.
i'm not sure what to do with all of these feelings.
it's been a long time since i've had feelings!

this feels right.

it feels so right.
i think it is about damn time i found a man worth a damn.
i just hope this is the man.
because i want it to be so badly.
i want to have this forever...
i hope this it forever.

he sees in me what nobody else does.