so.
i went to dinner with pam and jess on monday. had a great time,until pam told us she won't be working with us much longer. i didn't even know what to say, jess said NO, you have to stay until we graduate! and i hope she does. god, i feel like crying now. it's stupid i realize this. but...i really have gotten very close to her and i want to work with her more and get to know her more. she is so much fun and she does a great job, and it will just be so fucked up if she leaves before the school years starts. idk who will apply. i want that job, but i can't have it until i graduate. and that isn't until spring. but more than that i really want her to stay, more than anything. just for the year. guh...its stupid and if feel like crying and she hasn't even told us she is really leaving yet. she just said she doesn't know how much longer she is going to be with us because she wants to move back to minnesota. and you know, i get it that is where she went to school, she doesn't want to live at home and that is where all of her friends are. but...wahhhhh, what about us?! it's not that i'm trying to be selfish and keep her all to myself, because i am not that person. i'm just going to miss her. like...not talking to her or working with her for a day i miss her. it's hard for me to think about work with out her. it is hard to think about my life without her because at the moment she truly is one of my best friends. she just...she gives me so much and she actually makes me feel good about myself. and that is something not a lot of people can do. usually i feel worthless and like nobody cares about me. usually it is hard for me to be strong. but she has really helped me find that in myself and i really needed it. and she came as such a great time, and i'm not ready for her to leave and have to be strong on my own. gah so pathedic i know, and what's even worse is that i'm crying about it at this moment. i don't know if it is so much that she is leaving, because even tho i enjoy her company everyday and the school year will NOT be the same with out her she is going to move so far away. so i really might never see her again or talk to her again, and i don't like that. i don't like losing people, i don't like change. i can deal with it and accept it and move on and whatever else i need to do. but i don't want to. i don't want it to be like that, i still want to be friends with her. and i don't know if that will happen. because i'm afraid we are just "work" friends. and i want to be real friends because she is the type of person i want in my life. she builds me up, and to be honest, i really fucking need that. nobody knows what goes on inside my head, or how fragile i actually am. and while i am getting so much better at that, and getting stronger and finding myself. i still have my moments and those thoughts and it's not like everyone can make me feel good and important. maybe this is steming from what i'm going through with alicyn right now. we have been drifting apart, ever since we left for college. she started dating adam and communication between us just went down the drain. but...even though that happened, i thought i was still her best friend. the person she would talk to about getting married. and she did...but only after she got engaged. after they had been planning it. i want to go through this with her so badly. she said she wanted me to go wedding dress shopping with her...and she didn't say anything about it until she sent me a picture of the dress she bought. and not ONCE has she mentioned me being in the wedding. and idk if she is just waiting for that, or if she is going to pick her roommate. but either way, i'm heartbroken and i miss her. she has been texting me since then...like actually talking to me about stuff. but we're not the same, and neither is our friendship. we both found new best friends, and as much as it hurts for me to say this, i don't even think we work anymore. i'm so glad i have jessie, she is the greatest friend i could ever ask for. but....i've been friends with alicyn since i was 5, yeah we've had our ups and downs but we made it you know? idk...i'm just sick of people leaving my life. and that's that. i miss them. i want things to be normal. and i'm tired of growing up and growing apart. it makes me really sad. i sometimes wish i had somebody to go to with all these feelings that are inside of me. sometimes i don't want to be the strong one, i want to be able to lean on somebody else. it's hard to be okay all the time. but that is what i'm used to, i honestly don't think i could let somebody see me like this in real life. i couldn't let somebody see me, deep down to the core. and i hate that sometimes. sometimes it's ok to be strong and to carry people, and i'm really proud that that is something i value in my life because i enjoy helping people and making them feel good. but it is not something i can do everyday of my life. i can't please everyone, no matter how much i want to. i need to please myself too. and i really don't know why that is so hard for me to do. sometimes i'm just too much to handle on my own. but nobody would know that. nobody is going to know i'm sitting here crying about pam and alicyn and my life. and i don't think i like that. i feel so vulnerable right now and it sucks.. but i'm glad i'm facing it. i'm sick of the build up because i can feel life happening to me and my emotions building up to that breaking point. i'm glad i'm taking care of this now instead of you know..like at work or in front of someone. i just wish it was easier...i wish things went my way. obviously that is too much to ask for, even just once. and it's not that i hate my life because i know all the shit that has happened to me has made me a strong and good person. with out it...i'd still be that stupid little brat that didn't care about anyone but myself. maybe i care too much, i don't even know it is just so engrained inside of me to not deal with things happening in my own life. that is so me. i just miss everything and everyone. idk why the fuck this is so hard right now. but it is and i'm letting it be, and as much as i'm hurting it feels really good to at least know that i can feel. and i'm glad i'm crying and not cutting. and i wish i would have never let myself cut to deal with things because it distorted everything. it made me thing that that took care of it. and clearly it didn't, only i can take care of what it going on inside of me and only i can fix what i think needs fixing. and i'm glad that i have learned so much about life, because there are people who are my age who have no clue. they just don't get it. and that's ok, they don't have to. but i'm sure as shit glad i do and i'm starting to realize that people see that i'm a good person. and i absolutely love that about myself. i am glad all of my hard work has paid off, because for once i think i finally deserve to feel good about myself instead of being so hard on myself about everything. and it's nice, and i feel alive and real and i just might like it.

i am so lonely. i used to think that it was whatever, i would be ok on my own for the rest of my life. but deep down, it is really starting to bother me that i can't find love. that i can't find a partner. i don't like it one bit. now, i'm not trying to be needing to seem like a need a guy to survive. but, i want somebody to love me. and idk why that is so much to ask for. and i know i just have to wait for the right time and the right person and everything will fall into place, blah blah blah. but i feel as though i've been through enough shit and done enough waiting that maybe...there is hope for me. but then, there never is. it is honestly starting to wear on me. i see all my friends happy to be with somebody, and everybody i graduated with is getting married or engaged or happily with somebody. i just don't understand, is that not in store for me? maybe i just expect too much. that's probably it. idk, i'm tired of being alone. and i know i'm not completely alone,i've got my friends and they are great. seriously, i couldn't ask for better friends and i am so glad i have them. but there is still that space in my heart that wants something more. i'm too impatient for this waiting game...

why won't love just happen?