i finally got up the nerve to tell you how i felt. 

and you dismissed it at first, like i was some sort of raging lunatic.

i don't play games.

i didn't mean to start "drama".

i don't want that shit.

i wanted you, plain and simple, to know how i felt.

i value honesty.

i value telling you my feelings.

i felt as though you had the right to know.

and it was driving me crazy acting like i didn't care.

i was driving me crazy not being able to tell you.

and why? why the hell couldn't i?

because i was afraid of what you would think of me?

because i was afraid you would actually know who i am?

because i was afraid you would finally find out, that yes, i do in fact have feelings?

yes. maybe it was all of those things. 

maybe it was none of them. 

and to be quite frank and honest with you, at this point i don't care. 

i'm angry at you.

i'm angry that you left me.

i'm even more angry that you said all of these beautiful things...

saying you thought we were meant to be.

and that you'd never felt this one before...

and that maybe i was the one.

well fuck you very much.

because if you honestly felt that way, you wouldn't have run away.

i thought  you were just deep.

i thought you had too many thought and you were depressed because of jail and your ex.

all of those were excuses i made up for you.

i wanted there to be something wrong with you, so the blame wasn't on me.

maybe it wasn't my fault you left, maybe it was.

either way what i wanted it to be wasn't the truth.

and i'm upset about that.

four months after the fact, you decided to get in touch with me.

i had finally picked myself up off the floor and was able to move on.

i wasn't over  you...but i was getting over you.

i was no longer worried about what you thought...or what you were doing.

or even if you were alright.

i was able to focus on me, and i was finally able to be alright.

and then you text me.

you were very apologetic.

i thought you were sincere.

you said you were sorry for many things; for hurting me.

for being non-committal and afraid.

and for running away.

and i believed you, and i was glad you apologized.

it made me feel like i had done something right.

even thought i had ignored the situation and hadn't truly done anything at all.

then you began saying things like...you think you may have missed out on something amazing.

and how you couldn't go through life not knowing.

and that you wanted to see me and kiss my face.

just like we used to say.

you said, "i can't give you the world, but i can give you my world and i hope that's enough".

now, what the hell was i supposed to think when you said these things?

was i suppose to think they meant nothing?

because once you said it...all of my old feelings for you came back.

like a tornado.

it ripped open my heart again.

and i actually fucking believed you.

i thought you wanted to try..

i thought you were excited to being talking to me.

i thought you were excited to see me.

i thought you would have began talking to me more...acting like you cared.

or at least acting like you were interested.

i thought you would actually want to see me, after you said those things.

was i wrong?

i don't believe i was, but you sure made me feel that way.

you said all these beautiful things, and then you went away again.

you didn't really text me...and if you did i had to be the one to instigate the conversation.

and even then, your answers were non-committal.

like you didn't want to talk to me.

you wouldn't finish conversations you'd just stop talking to me.

you never mentioned wanting to see me again.

was what  you said a spur-of-the-moment-because-you-were-lonely deal?

is that all it was?

because i felt something much stronger when you sent me those words.

it hurt me that you were acting like you did before you left me.

like you weren't interested anymore, and like you didn't want to see me.

you said you wanted to talk and to see if feelings were still there.

there are feelings, a lot of them. 

i just kept them hidden. 

i thought that impressed you.

i don't know what was wrong with me.

i don't like that game, acting like i had to care less than i really did.

it's not fair to me.

and it wasn't fair to you to not know.

i think the reason all those feelings resurfaced was because you were acting like the person i knew.

the person i fell for when we met and began talking.

whispering beautiful nothings to me and making me feel special.

and important.

i just wanted to be important.

i just wanted to be loved.

and when we first met and were dating you treated me that way.

and then it faded away..

and i felt like that was happening again.

and it scared me.

i have every right to be scared, by the way.

so when i finally told you what i felt, i thought we would see eye to eye.

i thought you were the same person.

but you weren't.

you said you don't have time for "drama and shit".

maybe i was being too melodramatic.

but i was being honest.

and i was telling you my feelings.

and if me telling you my feelings is "drama" to you,

then you can fuck right off again.

every ounce of me told me you needed to know how i felt.

even if you weren't going to tell me how you felt.

it was right.

i did the right thing by letting you go.

i couldn't handle wondering if you were thinking about me.

i couldn't handle wondering if you even cared anymore...

or wondering why you said those things if you didn't mean them,

if you weren't going to act on them.

it was making my mind crazy, and depressed thinking about you.

and that wasn't fair to me...

even if you weren't doing it on purpose, it still hurt.

you still hurt me.

you said, when i told you my feelings, that you weren't going to change your life for me.

that is not what i was asking you to do, i don't expect you to change one bit.

but i don't want to be with someone who only is concerned with himself, and "doing me".

yeah "you just do you, and i'll do me".

fuck off.

seriously.

nobody is stopping you from "doing you".

you were stopping me from "doing me".

i think it was just the idea of you loving me again.

making love to me, talking to me, wanting to be with me.

the idea of actually having a real, honest, relationship with you.

i was stuck on that.

i wanted that back. 

to hear your voice to sleep on your chest...to fuck around with you and laugh all night.

that's the man i wanted.

i wasn't even with you long enough to love you, but i wanted you to love me all the same.

and you're not going to.

and neither am i.

i finally gained enough courage to let you go, and to get my life back.

and i'm not going to lie,

i feel damn good.

i'm "doing me" as you would say.

and i'm finding happiness.

i'm not sure what the means, or is at this point.

but i feel so much more happy than i was when i was worrying about you.

i'm glad i let you go.

i don't know if i'll be able to be friends with you in the future.

i don't know if i'll ever be able to talk to you again.

i want to.

my heart wants you.

i believe we had something special.

but it was too hard for me.

maybe sometime the "timing will be right".

but i doubt it.

the timing is never right.

things just happen.

you either let them happen, or you don't.

and you did not let this happen.

and i've finally come to terms with that.

and i am no longer willing to let it happen either.

i'm finally free and able to move on, 

i feel stronger for it.

ive never been able to tell people how i feel.

i don't do things for me.

but i did it..

i did what i needed to do for me.

and it's a good feeling.

and i wish i could tell you this.

i wish i could make you understand...

but what's done is done.

and i'm going to move on.

single and free once again.

the end. 

i seriously have a bad case of the pms.
i am so ridiculously emotional...
and i've been eating chocolate like a freakin' vacuum.
this is seriously not good.

honestly, i'm over chuck.
we actually had a legitimate conversation a few weeks ago.
idk, i guess i thought we were talking again.
...or at least you know, on the road to actually being friends.
i was wrong though.
we had this great conversation, and we had made plans to go to jolly holiday lights.
i half expected him to bail on me, so i had other plans lined up just in case.
however, i didn't actually expect him to bail on me.
i figured i was just being a crazy girl, you know.
whatever.
anyways...the day we had plans comes around and i hadn't heard from him.
so i text him asking what time he wanted to meet up.
no reply.
a few hours later a text him again asking if we were still going.
i wish i could copy the screen shot to this.
because all that he said was "no".
no explanation, no apology, just "no" and that was it
i'd told myself i wasn't going to be upset if he bailed on me.
i thought i had prepared myself for it.
but unfortunately, i had gotten my hopes up.
silly silly girl.
i actually didn't know i had gotten my hopes up til he bailed.
which made it worse, of course.
i. was. pissed.
i barely wanted to respond to him..and had he said more to me about it at the time i would have flown off the handle.
no joke. i had it planned out what i was going to say to him, and it wasn't going to be nice.
i wanted to yell, badly.
i choose not to, which is too bad really because now i have pent up anger.
i waited two weeks and finally decided to text him.
just simply saying that i was confused, i thought we were talking again, and that i didn't know whether i had pissed him off or not. and also to check to see if he was alright.
he said he was quite alright and no, it was nothing i did.
and that was it...
he asked if i was alright, i said yes.
and that was that.
he hasn't talked to me since, i haven't wanted to talk to him.
it's over.
way over, and i am quite alright with that.
at this point, it isn't him that i'm in to...it's the idea of him.
whether what i felt was real or not at the time...it is something i miss.
especially with this god damn wave of emotions that is flooding through me right now.
i'm lonely, bored, and sad.
i had nothing to do this weekend.
i hung out with my friend quite a bit...
but then i would just have to come home and be alone.
and there really isn't much to do here.
i watched some netflix, i cleaned my room...and hung some stuff on the walls.
but that's about it. nothing much else to do except dick around on the internet.
it's very boring, and getting very lonely.
seeing other couples is killing me right now.
and i'm so happy for my best friend because she just had a baby, and i love that baby and i love her and her fiance (yeah! she just got engaged too!)...i just don't know if i'm jealous, or if i've just come to realization that i truly have no life, and about how lonely i am.
it hurts right now.
i feel so vulnerable.
and it's stupid.
i don't want to be breakable...
i don't want to be lonely, or worried about being alone forever.
normally i could care less.
but it's to the point where i care a lot, and i just want to be in love again.
i want a companion, i want a life.
i  need to make something happen...
i have yet to figure out what that is.
it will happen, sooner or later.
i just don't know what it is.
waiting and figuring out what to do is torture.
waiting and figuring out  love, is also torture.

there will come a time you'll see, with no more tears.
and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
get over your hill and see what you find there, 
with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair <3 b="">

i've got to stop waiting around.
clearly he's not interested anymore.
and if he's going to see me it's going to be when it is convenient for him,
on his time.
not when i want it..
not when i have time.
so i'm done with that.
it's not that i'm necessarily waiting for him..
because i'm not.
if another guy walked into my life and swept me off my feet,
i would have no problem moving on.
i might have a problem trusting..
or you know, believing anything he says.
but i wouldn't be held back by this idea of someone else.
and that's just what it is..
an idea.
nothing is real with him anymore.
he could care less about my feelings...
or what i want.
and that is just something i'm going to have to accept.
and i'm going to have to stop caring about his feelings and what he wants.
because it is blatantly obvious that what he wants and i what i want are polar opposite.
does that suck?
yes.
does that hurt me?
i suppose it does.
but i'm done letting this idea of a situation control my emotions.
i don't want to think about it.
i don't want to worry about it.
i want to be over it!
and fuck, i thought i was.
oh how i wish i was.
it's still deep down inside of me.
this yearning for him..
this thinking that there is something more.
what i've got to realize, is that there isn't anything more.
it doesn't matter how much i feel that there is something..
it doesn't matter how much i want this to happen..
it is not going to.
not right now.
maybe not ever.
and the sooner i realize this the sooner i will be able to move on.
and maybe i just need to let him go..
stop talking to him.
stop getting my hopes up.
i'm sure that would help me move on.
but i'm not sure i'm quite ready for that.
i just hope that one of these days..
i am able to fucking move on with my life.

...that's all.