i seriously have a bad case of the pms.
i am so ridiculously emotional...
and i've been eating chocolate like a freakin' vacuum.
this is seriously not good.

honestly, i'm over chuck.
we actually had a legitimate conversation a few weeks ago.
idk, i guess i thought we were talking again.
...or at least you know, on the road to actually being friends.
i was wrong though.
we had this great conversation, and we had made plans to go to jolly holiday lights.
i half expected him to bail on me, so i had other plans lined up just in case.
however, i didn't actually expect him to bail on me.
i figured i was just being a crazy girl, you know.
whatever.
anyways...the day we had plans comes around and i hadn't heard from him.
so i text him asking what time he wanted to meet up.
no reply.
a few hours later a text him again asking if we were still going.
i wish i could copy the screen shot to this.
because all that he said was "no".
no explanation, no apology, just "no" and that was it
i'd told myself i wasn't going to be upset if he bailed on me.
i thought i had prepared myself for it.
but unfortunately, i had gotten my hopes up.
silly silly girl.
i actually didn't know i had gotten my hopes up til he bailed.
which made it worse, of course.
i. was. pissed.
i barely wanted to respond to him..and had he said more to me about it at the time i would have flown off the handle.
no joke. i had it planned out what i was going to say to him, and it wasn't going to be nice.
i wanted to yell, badly.
i choose not to, which is too bad really because now i have pent up anger.
i waited two weeks and finally decided to text him.
just simply saying that i was confused, i thought we were talking again, and that i didn't know whether i had pissed him off or not. and also to check to see if he was alright.
he said he was quite alright and no, it was nothing i did.
and that was it...
he asked if i was alright, i said yes.
and that was that.
he hasn't talked to me since, i haven't wanted to talk to him.
it's over.
way over, and i am quite alright with that.
at this point, it isn't him that i'm in to...it's the idea of him.
whether what i felt was real or not at the time...it is something i miss.
especially with this god damn wave of emotions that is flooding through me right now.
i'm lonely, bored, and sad.
i had nothing to do this weekend.
i hung out with my friend quite a bit...
but then i would just have to come home and be alone.
and there really isn't much to do here.
i watched some netflix, i cleaned my room...and hung some stuff on the walls.
but that's about it. nothing much else to do except dick around on the internet.
it's very boring, and getting very lonely.
seeing other couples is killing me right now.
and i'm so happy for my best friend because she just had a baby, and i love that baby and i love her and her fiance (yeah! she just got engaged too!)...i just don't know if i'm jealous, or if i've just come to realization that i truly have no life, and about how lonely i am.
it hurts right now.
i feel so vulnerable.
and it's stupid.
i don't want to be breakable...
i don't want to be lonely, or worried about being alone forever.
normally i could care less.
but it's to the point where i care a lot, and i just want to be in love again.
i want a companion, i want a life.
i  need to make something happen...
i have yet to figure out what that is.
it will happen, sooner or later.
i just don't know what it is.
waiting and figuring out what to do is torture.
waiting and figuring out  love, is also torture.

there will come a time you'll see, with no more tears.
and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
get over your hill and see what you find there, 
with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair <3 b="">

i've got to stop waiting around.
clearly he's not interested anymore.
and if he's going to see me it's going to be when it is convenient for him,
on his time.
not when i want it..
not when i have time.
so i'm done with that.
it's not that i'm necessarily waiting for him..
because i'm not.
if another guy walked into my life and swept me off my feet,
i would have no problem moving on.
i might have a problem trusting..
or you know, believing anything he says.
but i wouldn't be held back by this idea of someone else.
and that's just what it is..
an idea.
nothing is real with him anymore.
he could care less about my feelings...
or what i want.
and that is just something i'm going to have to accept.
and i'm going to have to stop caring about his feelings and what he wants.
because it is blatantly obvious that what he wants and i what i want are polar opposite.
does that suck?
yes.
does that hurt me?
i suppose it does.
but i'm done letting this idea of a situation control my emotions.
i don't want to think about it.
i don't want to worry about it.
i want to be over it!
and fuck, i thought i was.
oh how i wish i was.
it's still deep down inside of me.
this yearning for him..
this thinking that there is something more.
what i've got to realize, is that there isn't anything more.
it doesn't matter how much i feel that there is something..
it doesn't matter how much i want this to happen..
it is not going to.
not right now.
maybe not ever.
and the sooner i realize this the sooner i will be able to move on.
and maybe i just need to let him go..
stop talking to him.
stop getting my hopes up.
i'm sure that would help me move on.
but i'm not sure i'm quite ready for that.
i just hope that one of these days..
i am able to fucking move on with my life.

...that's all.

chuck broke up with me.
he's going through some sort of quarter life crisis.
i don't know.
i'm sad, yes.
i'm not broken hearted.
i wasn't even with him long enough to love him.
so i'm not crushed...
but i am lonely.
so very lonely.
you know, you think you have something good going...
and then you get hit on the head with reality, and it's over just like that.
it sucks because i can barely handle myself right now.
i don't want to be crying over his dumb ass!
you know he said all these things to me..
like, "this must be how it feels to meet the one"
and, "i could really see us growing old together"
and.., "we are going to be inseperable".
there's more too it but i deleted his fucking text messages.
because who reels you in like that and says all those things...
and DOESN'T FUCKING MEAN A SINGLE WORD OF IT?!
apparently i am more angry and hurt than i thought.
i thought we had a connection, i thought there was something special there.
and then one day he stops texting me..and doesn't want to see me.
and dumps me on my ass.
it's like he all the sudden just changed his mind, and shut down.
it's not okay.
i'm trying to act like it's okay, but it's not.
no, i'm not completely heart broken.
yes, i am sad and hurt.
and i'm clearly not over it, even though i really want to be!
i hate being fucking vulnerable and weak.
i hate myself like this.
i didn't cry when he broke up with me..
i didn't cry for a week after he broke up with me..
but now it's been damn near two week and i can't stop fucking crying.
and honestly, i'm not sure if i'm actually crying over him.
or this idea of him that i have stuck in my head.
because it's starting to seem like whatever he was doing was just a fucking show..
just to get me until he got sick of me.
that's not how this shit is suppose to work.
and if he were the one for me it wouldn't work this way.
but god dammit! i wanted him to be the one so bad.
i was actually ready for a relationship..
ready to let down my fucking walls and let somebody in.
and i trusted him..
and i let down my walls..
and now i'm all angry and mushy.
feelings that i never wanted to feel again.
this is exactly why i stayed single for 3 fucking years..
that and nobody is fucking interested in me.
i don't get hit on..
nobody is every attracted to me.
and then he comes along and he is "very attracted to me" and thinks "i'm an amazing person"...
and "lets just run away and get married right now".
bull fucking shit.
learned my lesson i guess.
never fucking believe people when they say shit.
...he completely shattered my trust.
that's what  happened.
it's gone.
i thought i could actually be with somebody.
silly me.
fool me once, shame on  you.
fool me twice, shame on me.
this is the second time this has happened.
this is the second time it has been "bad timing".
fuck.
i'm so angry.
i want to never date again.
that's what i really want.
but i'm so damn lonely..
especially since i just moved and don't live with jessie anymore.
i want somebody.
but i can't have anybody...
the world doesn't want me to right now.
i don't even..
i'm just being dramatic now.
but fuck...just when you think things are going good.
life gets thrown in your face.