so.
i went to dinner with pam and jess on monday. had a great time,until pam told us she won't be working with us much longer. i didn't even know what to say, jess said NO, you have to stay until we graduate! and i hope she does. god, i feel like crying now. it's stupid i realize this. but...i really have gotten very close to her and i want to work with her more and get to know her more. she is so much fun and she does a great job, and it will just be so fucked up if she leaves before the school years starts. idk who will apply. i want that job, but i can't have it until i graduate. and that isn't until spring. but more than that i really want her to stay, more than anything. just for the year. guh...its stupid and if feel like crying and she hasn't even told us she is really leaving yet. she just said she doesn't know how much longer she is going to be with us because she wants to move back to minnesota. and you know, i get it that is where she went to school, she doesn't want to live at home and that is where all of her friends are. but...wahhhhh, what about us?! it's not that i'm trying to be selfish and keep her all to myself, because i am not that person. i'm just going to miss her. like...not talking to her or working with her for a day i miss her. it's hard for me to think about work with out her. it is hard to think about my life without her because at the moment she truly is one of my best friends. she just...she gives me so much and she actually makes me feel good about myself. and that is something not a lot of people can do. usually i feel worthless and like nobody cares about me. usually it is hard for me to be strong. but she has really helped me find that in myself and i really needed it. and she came as such a great time, and i'm not ready for her to leave and have to be strong on my own. gah so pathedic i know, and what's even worse is that i'm crying about it at this moment. i don't know if it is so much that she is leaving, because even tho i enjoy her company everyday and the school year will NOT be the same with out her she is going to move so far away. so i really might never see her again or talk to her again, and i don't like that. i don't like losing people, i don't like change. i can deal with it and accept it and move on and whatever else i need to do. but i don't want to. i don't want it to be like that, i still want to be friends with her. and i don't know if that will happen. because i'm afraid we are just "work" friends. and i want to be real friends because she is the type of person i want in my life. she builds me up, and to be honest, i really fucking need that. nobody knows what goes on inside my head, or how fragile i actually am. and while i am getting so much better at that, and getting stronger and finding myself. i still have my moments and those thoughts and it's not like everyone can make me feel good and important. maybe this is steming from what i'm going through with alicyn right now. we have been drifting apart, ever since we left for college. she started dating adam and communication between us just went down the drain. but...even though that happened, i thought i was still her best friend. the person she would talk to about getting married. and she did...but only after she got engaged. after they had been planning it. i want to go through this with her so badly. she said she wanted me to go wedding dress shopping with her...and she didn't say anything about it until she sent me a picture of the dress she bought. and not ONCE has she mentioned me being in the wedding. and idk if she is just waiting for that, or if she is going to pick her roommate. but either way, i'm heartbroken and i miss her. she has been texting me since then...like actually talking to me about stuff. but we're not the same, and neither is our friendship. we both found new best friends, and as much as it hurts for me to say this, i don't even think we work anymore. i'm so glad i have jessie, she is the greatest friend i could ever ask for. but....i've been friends with alicyn since i was 5, yeah we've had our ups and downs but we made it you know? idk...i'm just sick of people leaving my life. and that's that. i miss them. i want things to be normal. and i'm tired of growing up and growing apart. it makes me really sad. i sometimes wish i had somebody to go to with all these feelings that are inside of me. sometimes i don't want to be the strong one, i want to be able to lean on somebody else. it's hard to be okay all the time. but that is what i'm used to, i honestly don't think i could let somebody see me like this in real life. i couldn't let somebody see me, deep down to the core. and i hate that sometimes. sometimes it's ok to be strong and to carry people, and i'm really proud that that is something i value in my life because i enjoy helping people and making them feel good. but it is not something i can do everyday of my life. i can't please everyone, no matter how much i want to. i need to please myself too. and i really don't know why that is so hard for me to do. sometimes i'm just too much to handle on my own. but nobody would know that. nobody is going to know i'm sitting here crying about pam and alicyn and my life. and i don't think i like that. i feel so vulnerable right now and it sucks.. but i'm glad i'm facing it. i'm sick of the build up because i can feel life happening to me and my emotions building up to that breaking point. i'm glad i'm taking care of this now instead of you know..like at work or in front of someone. i just wish it was easier...i wish things went my way. obviously that is too much to ask for, even just once. and it's not that i hate my life because i know all the shit that has happened to me has made me a strong and good person. with out it...i'd still be that stupid little brat that didn't care about anyone but myself. maybe i care too much, i don't even know it is just so engrained inside of me to not deal with things happening in my own life. that is so me. i just miss everything and everyone. idk why the fuck this is so hard right now. but it is and i'm letting it be, and as much as i'm hurting it feels really good to at least know that i can feel. and i'm glad i'm crying and not cutting. and i wish i would have never let myself cut to deal with things because it distorted everything. it made me thing that that took care of it. and clearly it didn't, only i can take care of what it going on inside of me and only i can fix what i think needs fixing. and i'm glad that i have learned so much about life, because there are people who are my age who have no clue. they just don't get it. and that's ok, they don't have to. but i'm sure as shit glad i do and i'm starting to realize that people see that i'm a good person. and i absolutely love that about myself. i am glad all of my hard work has paid off, because for once i think i finally deserve to feel good about myself instead of being so hard on myself about everything. and it's nice, and i feel alive and real and i just might like it.

i am so lonely. i used to think that it was whatever, i would be ok on my own for the rest of my life. but deep down, it is really starting to bother me that i can't find love. that i can't find a partner. i don't like it one bit. now, i'm not trying to be needing to seem like a need a guy to survive. but, i want somebody to love me. and idk why that is so much to ask for. and i know i just have to wait for the right time and the right person and everything will fall into place, blah blah blah. but i feel as though i've been through enough shit and done enough waiting that maybe...there is hope for me. but then, there never is. it is honestly starting to wear on me. i see all my friends happy to be with somebody, and everybody i graduated with is getting married or engaged or happily with somebody. i just don't understand, is that not in store for me? maybe i just expect too much. that's probably it. idk, i'm tired of being alone. and i know i'm not completely alone,i've got my friends and they are great. seriously, i couldn't ask for better friends and i am so glad i have them. but there is still that space in my heart that wants something more. i'm too impatient for this waiting game...

why won't love just happen?

i wish i wasn't so emo inside my head.

all that i think about are these emotions that i feel. i can't escape from them, but i ignore them so well. and i'm starting to realize that ignoring them isn't helping me. it is only making things worse. i run away from every feeling i feel until they bottle up so much i explode. and these explosions come at the most ridiculous times and happen for virtually no reason a all. i've found that talking about things and actually feeling them really helps me in the long run. i've also figured out that no, i can't make it on my own. as independent and i make myself out to be, i still need my friends and my family. they complete me, they make me whole. i can't stand to be alone for more than a day. i need people in my life, and i need the right people. i'm sick of these no good, stuck up, pricks trying to prove themselves better than everyone else. it is annoying, and i don't want to be around that type of person because honestly, it brings me down. and i don't need that, not after all that i have been through. and i am also starting to realize that yes, i have been through a lot. but quiet frankly that doesn't mean shit. what does it matter? all that stuff is in the past and i can overcome it and get through it with the help of all these wonderful people around me. i don't need to waste anymore of my time thinking about that past, because it doesn't do anything for me. it doesn't make me happy, it only makes me sad and want to change how things were. and obviously, i can't travel back in time and make that happen. i'm getting better, it is a lot of work though. at one point i thought it was too much work. but what is better than happiness with your life, really? i'm sick of being sad and wishing things were different than they are. that only drags me down. and i'm sick of being drug down. i'm over that. i want to learn how to stand up for myself. i let people walk all over me because i'm small and that gives them the impression that i'm weak and easily taken advantage of. but you know what i say to that? FUCK IT! i'm sick of people thinking they can boss me around and act all better than me just because i'm little. it doesn't make me insignificant, it doesn't make me weak; or sensitive. or any of that bull. in fact, i should be teaching myself how to show them the exact opposite. and that is what i'm going to do. i want to learn to believe in myself, i want to learn how to be the person i'm meant to be. sometimes i think it is kinda sad that it has taken me almost 22 years to figure this out, but then i realize everyone else has the same struggles as me. everyone struggle with who they are at one point or another, it happens at different times for everyone. and i'm proud of myself for finally learning about me, and figuring out who i am. and i have a lot of help, and people to thank for that. i also have a lot of people not to thank. but without all these people doing what they did to me in the past, or in the present, i wouldn't be me. and i'm happy with who i am, and who i'm becoming. and nothing is going to change that. so...here's a shot out to all my friends and family who have made me the strong beautiful person that i am today. let's start way back in elementary school...with mrs.fuller. man was she so nice and beautiful. i wanted to be just like her, and i still do. i hope that i treat my kids, when i work in a school, the way she treated us. can't forget all of my other elementary teachers that were just wonderful. then there was mrs.k. i don't even know where to start with her...she made me realize that my unhappiness wasn't my fault and that i could overcome it. that is a hard thing to learn when you're 12, but she put me on the right track for figuring it out now. can't forget all my friends, cheslea...alicyn, amanda, lori, shawna, anna, jessie, sam. there are way too many to mention here. but how would i be the good friend and person i am today with out them? my family! plays a huge part in my life and they always have. teaching me right from wrong. and as fucked up as my childhood was, i'm happy because of it. because i learned exactly what i don't want from life. and i'm going to fight against those evils for as long as life lasts. my jobs, my professors...even my pets. man do i miss oaki and ben. they helped me learn compassion, wish is a cornerstone of my life today. and i'm really happy that i met pam. i'm not trying to give her all the credit, but right now, at this point in my life she is exactly the kind of friend i need. she is fun and caring and actually takes and interest in me, rather than just waiting for me to do all the work. which is something i am really appreciative of at this point in my life. i was starting to think that my life was just whatever, that i was always going to be taken advantage of and used for something or another. and i know i put myself in that position because i can't stand to see people hurting, and i would much rather be uncomfortable or in pain than watch anybody else suffering. but, i think what i'm learning from pam is that sometimes it just has to be about me. and that is something that i have struggled with for years. making myself happy, giving myself a break, doing what i want. it really doesn't seem that hard, but when all you have ever done is give. it is one of the hardest things in the world to take. we have this joke that she needs to teach me how to say no. and it's true...i don't know how to say no, i don't want to hurt people. but that is what i have been doing my whole life, not hurting others, but hurting myself. i don't think she knows she has made this big of an impact on my life. but really, she has. and i'm learning, i'm learning everyday that i need to do what i need to do for myself, to be the person i want to be. to grow and to learn and to be perfect, for myself not for others. i shouldn't care about what people think of me as long as i am ok with myself. and i am...at least i'm starting to be. i can't wait for the day i get to tell her all of this. and that will probably be the day when one of us is living our jobs at the daycare. but for now i'm going to enjoy our friendship because we click and we can be ourselves, and we care about eachother. and i'm not trying to get too intimate with my supervisor but, you know what? we're great friends and i really really appreciate the person she is. because she is strong and beautiful and inspiring, even if she isn't' trying to be. and she sees my good qualities, she knows what i'm made of. and i can't say that about everyone because i've always been the kid who was looked over. i tried and tried and tried to do good things, and they never got noticed. and it was hard for me because nobody every paid attention or noticed that i was a good person. instead they saw me when i was being a brat because i would get sick of people not noticing me, i didn't get enough attention i guess. i wanted to be the best and nicest and i wanted everyone to like me. but that isn't how it works, and i am so much happier now that i know that. as long as i am doing good, and i know i'm doing good and i'm happy with what i'm doing then that is enough. God sees me, i see me and i know who i am down deep inside. and that shows outside. and if somebody doesn't like it, then fuck them because they really don't matter to what my life is becoming. i am just so happy that there are people our there who can see past my hard exterior that i put on. i know i'm a mess inside, and i struggle with that everyday of my life. but it's coming together, and it will all be fixed someday. i'm just happy that i have people who love me and who will treat me right, because without them, i honestly don't think i would be here today.

thank you.