i saw a guy on a motorcycle today.
that's all.
it was a dude, with black hair.
on a motorcycle.
i had been doing so well.
but the instant i saw him my heart panged.
and it hurt.
i am still not over justin.
wtf is wrong with me?!
so i've heard that it takes double the time you were dating someone to get over them.
okay.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN 2 MONTHS AGO.
i should be over him by now.
right?
wrong.
i hate my life.
and i miss the fuck out of him.
and i was hoping he would turn around.
but after 8 months...
it's hopeless and i need to move on.
but i don't want to.
i don't want to like anyone.
i don't want to day.
i do want to have sex...
but that is besides the point.
i am scared of an emotional investment.
shocking?
i know.
i'm always the "strong" one.
the "down to earth won't lose her head" one.
i don't want to be that anymore.
i just want to be taken care of.
it's sickening really.
but i want someone to cater to me for once..
and take care of what i need.
obviously that is too much to ask.
and i can't let go of who i am enough to let that happen.
but, still.
that's what i want.
doesn't mean i'm going to get it.
and i'm sure as fuck not going to pout about it outside of this little world inside my head.
but, still.
i'm really starting to think i may never get over him.
well..that might be far fetched.
i mean, i've got the rest of my life and all.
but regardless...it seems as though it is never ending.
i thought i was over it.
and then some stupid jack ass comes speeding passed me on a damn motorbike...and woooo there i go again.
fuck it.
i hate emotions, and i feel like i have been trying to deal with this specific one for a trillion years.
i kind of just want to punch this specific emotion right in the left nut.
but clearly that is impossible.
so i will just have to deal...
and be okay with things...
and move on...
and not be an asshole.
the end.

la la la whatever

apparently sleeping is something my body does not want to do tonight.
i'm tired, i'm exhausted.
but i'm not having any of that.
i guess.
my nose is really annoying my and getting my on my nerves.
it has been clogged, and bugging me for at least 2 months straight now.
i could thank allergies,
or the awesome second hand smoke i'm accustomed to everyday.
whatever it is.
it needs to stop.
now.
this is not okay.
i want to sleep.
sleep should not be too much to ask for.
i'm seriously half tempted to take a nyquil dose.
in fact that is what i am going to do.
right now.
yuck.
that shit is nasty.
i got "normal flavor" in the off brand at wal mart.
apparently that means "black licorice shoved up a donkey's ass".
i might vomit.
no, no.
i'm okay.
so my mom has this thing going on with her ex.
and i'm going to take this time to unload.
until i get seriously loopy from the nasty ass nyquil.
so apparently he cheated on her.
and she found out by creeping on him.
something i could never do, because i am not a creep.
but she is, i guess.
she even stalked him outside the bar.
and then was disappointed because he didn't go home with anybody.
shocking.
really.
anyways...she wants to get back together with him.
and nothing else matters.
if we have plans,
fuck them.
her ex says what are you up to...
and all hell breaks loose.
she needs to see him.
right now.
or she will die.
it's getting ridiculous really.
and as much as i hate the man for being a lying cheating bastard hole.
i wish they would just get the fuck back together.
i'm sick of the games.
i'm sick of her crying.
and i'm especially sick of her whining to me every 5 seconds asking for advice.
i have never been cheated on...
what the fuck am i supposed to tel her?
she's asked me so many times i avoid eye contact.
and i have to live with this.
i am not being ridiculous.
she is going to piss me off.
i am going to yell.
then we are both going to cry.
and i don't want that to happen.
i can not wait to move back into school.
it will be a serious breath of fresh-air.
even if my apartments are dry.
and i have le psycho roo,mate.
anything is better than this right now.
i feel like running away.
okay not really because i have nowhere to go.
and i do love her...
she's my best friend and my mom.
butt fuck.
she's either got to trust his bastard hole ass.
or fucking get over it.
and that's that.
and she can't do either!
she is an over analyzing...
creeptastic...
untrustworthy...
i could go on.
but you get the point.
and as much as my life is and is going to revolve around peoples' problems.
i should not have to be my mother's personal counselor.
it is stressing me the fuck out.
i don't have a professional opinion.
i stopped caring.
not about her...about the situation.
and about him.
and the more i hear about it...
the more she wants my help...
the more anal she gets about whatever this is...
the more angry i get.
and the more i want to punch the both of them in the face and tell them to get the over themselves.
i feel like this is completely natural.
i also feeling like i've been complaining too much.
but where else do i have to go really...
i try to talk to my bff4l and she doesn't know what to say except "yeah that sucks" or "i don't blame you"
which is annoying.
and the my other reliable source is exhausting itself.
people just need to grow up.
end of story.
think about others.
stop being selfish.
you have children...that want to spend time with you.
stop texting constantly.
and making 3 hour long phone calls in the middle of our plans.
it's not fair.
we love you.
more than him.
deal with it.

on another note...i had a weird ass dream about pam last night. and since i'm not quite loopy enough to sleep and still slightly coherent, i'm going to go see wtf it means.

so, it's fourth of july weekend. and i'm spending it with my mom at my grandma's lake house...so my mother won't be sooo lonely, because she spent the fourth all alone last year. so we spoke words about getting to the lake house around noon...what time is it? 12:20 and we haven't even left yet! i have been waiting since 10:30 to leave! i am beyond annoyed and i am seriously getting pissy with her. she decided she was going to clean the whole house before we left, why? why on earth does she need to scrub the motherfucking stove before we leave for 2 days? she spent all this time cleaning the house and scrubbing shit...that she has just gotten into the shower. we still have to go to wal mart or something for oil and get her damned flat tire fixed before we can even begin to THINK about heading to the lake. fuck me. i woke up...was ready to shower and get ready to go and she decided that she had to clean the shower so i had to wait to do that, as well as pee because she needed to clean the toilet before i could relieve myself. so while i was waiting for her cleaning kick to be over i decided to pack my bags...she comes downstairs and asks what i'm doing. WTF, we're leaving i am packing my bags! apparently she had called me upstairs a whole 5 minutes ago to get in the shower. then while i'm in the shower, instead of packing her bags or getting ready to leave she is ordering shit offline! messing that up...and cleaning the table? i might kill her. so she finally gets to packing her bag...she wanted to share one, i already have my stuff packed genius. she has all this shit, for going to a lake house anyways. idk wtf she is going to get all dressed up for in hicktown missouri, but don't worry she'll look nice. then my uncle comes and they talk blah blah blah...then all of the sudden she wants me to take all of the trash out. after i have been waiting for something to do for a good hour and a half, that could have been done earlier. ugh, i'm just pissed and annoyed. good god. we are going to be sitting around a lake for 2 days...that's it and for some reason she needs her computer? what is she just going to sit on it get on facebook and ignore the rest of her family all night too? AJLKFJDSLKFJSDLKGHSDKGJSDKFJSD"LKFLSd!

i feel better, kind of.


nap time.