found this on twitter. love.

YOU.

You. Yes, you. I am writing this for you.

I know you are reading this. And I want you to know I am writing this for you. No one else will understand. No one else knows. They think that this is for them. But it’s not. I am writing this for you.

I want you to know, life…it’s hard. Every day can be a challenge. It can be a challenge to get up in the morning. To get yourself out of bed. To put on that smile. But I want you to know, that smile is what keeps me going some days. You need to remember, even through the tough times, you are amazing. You really are.

You should be happy. You are gorgeous.

I know that the weather might not be perfect. You might have to turn your back to the wind or feel the cold nipping at your nose. But you know what, at least you are there to feel it. At least you can enjoy the sun’s warm rays on your face. Or that cold February wind biting at your cheeks. You know what that means?

You are alive.

Everything will be okay.

wow. i'm having one of those days, one of those weeks, one of those months, where i just want to cry about everything. i hate crying, especially crying about everything. and the worst part of it is, is that i can't even cry about everything. i just simply feel like crying but there are no tears. it is really annoying actually. but does that make me strong, or weak? does not being able to cry when i need to make me emotionally weak or emotionally strong? i'm not sure. i just can't decide. it is rough really, and i wish i understood it. yes, there are a lot of feelings inside of me. a lot of feeling i just can not get out, no matter how hard i want to. man, life is rough. i'm happy, i'm so damn happy. i'm happy with myself, with my life, with my grades, with where i'm going. i'm happy with my friends and my family. but there is something missing. and i, honestly, don't know what that is and i don't know how to fix it. and lord almighty, i wish i did. this doesn't feel like a struggle. it feels different than all my other relapses, or whatever you want to call it. i don't feel like i'm tumbling into the darkness, but i also don't feel like i see the light. it's like i'm stuck in the middle. and as much as i don't really mind being stuck in the middle. i sure as fuck want to get out. i want to be able to feel real things again, not just what is going on in my head. and maybe that is because i need to look passed my own insecurities and give others the chance to look passed theirs. maybe it's because yes, i'm stressed and i'm struggling to get my gpa up to what it needs to be. maybe it's because there are actually family things going on, we're in the middle of what some would call a family crisis. maybe it's because i have so much on my plate that i would lose my head if it weren't attached, and i am not ok with that. i'm too used to having it all together to watch things fall apart. but i'm hanging by a thread right now, and all that i need to do is get through the rest of this academic year. that's it. but it seems to far off and so fucking difficult right now. i'm probably freaking out for no reason, once everything is done and over with i will in fact be ok and i will be happy. i will okay, it will all be ok. for once, it would be nice to have somebody else reassure me. but i can't let that happen, i can't let them in. am i the only one who knows i have this problem? and why the fuck would i allow this to happen to me? maybe i'm just too emotional. maybe i just need some sleep. i'm not sure. i'm not sure of much right now.

night.

so, valentines day has come and gone. and to my surprise i survived. amazing, right? it wasn't so much the being single on valentines day...well ok it was that. valentines day is a stupid made up holiday that celebrates love and lust...and candy. i don't have any of those things...not even the candy. so what is there to celebrate? nothing, haha. right. it's kind of sick joke the world plays on single people. like, why don't we get a day to celebrate our singleness? that'd be an even bigger joke because we can celebrate our singleness everyday. but what about those of us who don't want to be single, and who more specifically, don't want to celebrate it? then what do we do? well, my solution was to get drunk. but that didn't make me feel any better because there was a boy..yes omg a boy!! texting me the whole time i was out to eat with my friends. i met him saturday we cuddled, idk it was a good time and we'd been texting. everything was all cute until he started getting all whiny and pouty and basically begging me to come over to see him. first off, i didn't want to i wanted to spend the night with my friends like i'd told them i would do. and second off, ok i get you want to hang out with me but seriously? i honestly think he was trying to guilt trip me into coming over and watching movies with him. fuck that. i've been guilt tripped into enough in my life, i deserve to make my own decisions. so he was pouting and i didn't really want to hear it and i was a little drunk. so, my phone died (like i told him it was going to) and i got back to my room plugged it in and fell asleep (also what i told him i was going to do). i text him the next day apologizing and he was all short worded with me and hasn't text me since. so i'm kind of confused i guess, and maybe it was just the drink talking when he was begging me to come see him because he wanted to spend more time with me...or maybe he really did. but all that i know now is that he doesn't lol so i like myself get a little excited about a boy...bad sara, bad. and i have this feeling that i'm not good enough for any guy out there, well at least not good enough for the ones i want. and then the ones that want me are gross. so i'm a little discombobulated. idk what to think. i can feel my confidence slowly trickling away from me...and i want it back. and its not that i've lost all confidence in myself, its the confidence in my body and my looks. and its not that that is all that matters to me, but it would be nice to feel good about myself. i really want to lose weight, i think that would make me feel great. but idk how. i know there is diets and exercising and blah blah blah. but it costs money to buy health food and it costs money to get a gym membership. so what do i do? i do not know. i'm too poor to be healthy.

jessie went thru this whole thing with ben and i can't really say what its about, just that it was big deal. and it was sad because jessie's other best friend totally judged her for it and was being a bitch. you know how girls get. so jessie got pissed...and then her friend lost her baby. SHOCKER! it was bad but she never fully apologized for the way she acted earlier and jess is still hurt by it. and jess keeps leaning on me for advice...well, maybe not so much advice but a shoulder to lean on. and i thought it was going to get better bc her friend said sorry and they were going to hang out. but then her friend made other plans...and its just a catastrophe. like, no good in the hood. i hate girl problems, i really truly do. i try to stay out of them as much as possible because i don't deal with them well. i've figured out that i'm really not good at emotions. i hate when people get sappy. it's the worst because i'm pretty sure i don't have those sentimental feelings anymore. idk if thats a good or a bad thing. i mean sometimes..it feels like i'm missing something?! but i try not to think about that. see?! and when i was lying awake the other night bc i couldn't sleep i figured out that there are only 4 things that really make me cry:
1)death
2)when my parents yell at me
3)relationship issues/ getting dumped
4)and when i have a panic attack..but this one doesn't really count because ive never actually cried while having one, i usually hold it back.

speaking of panic attacks, i had one at work last week. it was awful. i honestly haven't had one that bad..well since i was at hyvee the week before. but it's not normal. i was shaking and near hyperventilation. i had to go to the bathroom and hide and breathe. i don't even have a reason to have a panic attack. you know it's getting bad when it happen for no reason. it really really scared me. i've been ok since though, so i'm thinking it was no big deal.

i guess i'm just overwhelmed with homework and drama. it is kind of stressful i suppose. but i can't let it get to me, i've got too much to do. we're playing this 'game' in history and i have to be a certain person and write speeches and dress a certain way for class...and it makes me really nervous because i don't want to do it. i don't like public speaking and i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm glad he didn't give me a very big role otherwise serious panic will set in. but hopefully these next few weeks fly by because then it will be spring break! and i'm going to a kick ass concert with jess...and we're going to have the time of our lives and buy tshirts, well at least i am lol

goodnight world.