There are many things that I wish were easier in life.

Many many things.

No, it hasn't been easy for me.

And sometimes it seems as though it may never be.

But I've got to remember that I am strong.

I can carry my own,

and I can carry everyone else's.

It's not easy,

and sometimes it gets the best of me.

But that is who I am.

I am that friend that everyone can rely on...

and I am that person that will tell the truth and help you no matter what.

It gets challenging, yes.

Because even though it may not seem like it,

I do in fact,

get feelings.

I get sad.

I get angry.

I get worried, a lot.

I know I don't talk to many people about these feelings,

and that there are very few people that know me and how I work.

But I cherish those few people I have.

Because without them I would be absolutely lonely.

It feels like I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders sometimes.

And sometimes I feel like I can't take anymore.

I wish people would just handle their own problems,

and not make them mine as well.

But then I step back and realize there is a reason these people chose to confide in me.

And I find comfort in that.

And as much I have never asked anything of my friends because I haven't really needed much.

I know that they'd be there for me in a heart beat.

No matter what.

And it's amazing because I haven't ever felt that.

I've been through a lot of times in my life,

where I have felt as though I had no one.

I suppose that lead me to build up some walls.

I began to find only comfort in myself,

and became as strong as I could be to get myself through.

It's hard for me to rely on others,

because for such a long time I didn't have "others" there for me.

It was just me.

Or so I thought.

And it felt like the world was out to get me.

But I've grown since then.

And I know better now.

I can't help but feel lonely.

A lot.

And that scares me.

I really miss being in love...

and knowing what it is like to be loved back. 

But, that will all come with time.

It will happen when it wants to.

In the mean time I should stop worrying about not being attractive to the wrong guys.

And just worry about being me,

and realizing that it is okay not to be strong all the time.

Being strong all the time takes a toll on you.

Emotionally.

And it's okay to ask for help,

just don't get caught up in something you aren't.

And it's okay to break down and cry,

and to show people you are vulnerable and fragile.

Just like everyone else.

Even though it's scary,

and nobody really ever thinks you might be hurting.

It is okay.

It will be okay.

There are many people out there who love you for who you are,

and the rest, you really don't need to worry about.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

I don't know why it is so important to me that everyone thinks I'm strong 100% of the time.

I try to be, I will admit that. 

But I don't need to be.

And that is what I need to take to heart.

It will help me, to let other people in.

I just have to step out of this little comfort zone I've built in my mind...

and let them know that I'm not bullet proof.

And that sometimes, I'm not okay.

And that's okay.

so i've been thinking a lot about myself lately, and why i am the way i am.
i've learned a lot from watching people.
failed relationships, and whatnot.
it's amazing how some things can shape a human being.
and how other people's action can affect someone's life in a such a big way.
but besides that...
i've also figured out that as i was growing up i felt overlooked.
like nobody really knew i existed, and i just wasn't "special".
i had nothing to show off..
i wasn't beautiful.
or skinny.
or tall.
i kept to myself most of the time and kind of just...followed people around.
i was a shadow.
as a child i was always my best friends shadow.
she was so perfect.
she always knew what to say and was so sweet...
and tall...
and pretty.
all the clothes would fit her.
blah blah.
i felt as though everyone saw her, and not me.
i didn't like that.
but i was too shy to say anything or be my own person.
i sort of let our relationship define me.
until we had a falling out in 5th grade...
then i became friends with the wrong people.
the bitchy little middle school girls who were mean to their parents..etc.
you get my drift.
i wasn't like them.
they even had a group called the rude bitches..
and i wasn't allowed to be in it because i wasn't rude, and i wasn't a bitch.
then, thankfully, the guidance counselor sort of re-introduced my "best friend" and i.
after two years i'd kind of forgotten why we were best friends.
but we became insta friends once again...
and once again i was her shadow.
i always felt one uped by her.
she got the things i wanted.
and i didn't get shit.
that's just how it was.
it actually made me pretty depressed going into highschool.
there i was trying to figure out who i was and my place in this universe..
and i couldn't because i was always trying to be her.
which was stupid, yes, i realize that now.
but i was this lonely little teenager who didn't know how to figure out who i was.
then, i dated josh.
and i let that relationship define who i was.
an ongoing cycle, really.
i let it define me so much that when he was emotionally abusing me..
i couldn't let it go.
i didn't know what i would do with myself.
it was scary.
i was so broken down, but i felt stuck.
then we had our breaking point, had a huge knock down drag out..
and it was over, after damn near 3 years.
it was at that point that i realized, you know what? i need to figure out who sara michelle rushing is..
i need to step outside of my comfort zone and figure this shit out.
which was hard and scary and i didn't know how to do it.
my roomates at the time didn't include me..
i barely had any friends at college.
i'm so thankful for the friends i did have, because i can't imagine where i'd be.
and i got to the point where i knew that i had to do something about myself..
that being this scared little girl wasn't going to get me anywhere in life.
i did not want that.
i was so miserable being all scared and lonely.
then jessie and i started hanging out,
and she didn't judge me.
or call me stupid.
or treat me like an idiot.
or show off..
or show me up.
i didn't feel inferior.
i felt like an equal.
that's what best friends are for.
now i'm not saying that my best friend growing up was a bad friend, because she wasn't.
she was an awesome friend and dealt with a lot of shit from me.
i'm saying, i couldn't figure out how to be me.
and that definitely put strain on our relationship.
since college, we've gone our separate ways.
we still talk here and there...but we aren't close anymore.
and as much as it hurt me to see us drift apart.
it helped me come closer to myself, because i didn't need to worry about being second.
it helped me figure out that i am who i am and i need to own that, and love it.
it's still hard.
i'm not an extrovert, it's not easy for me to get out there and be loud and proud.
i'm quiet (most of the time), especially about the way i'm feeling or my opinions.
i don't want people to judge me, or think less of me.
it's going to be a hard journey for me because this is the way i've been all my life.
but i'm finally out on my own and i don't have anyone to hide behind.
and it's forcing me to own who i am and to build my self-confidence in ways i never thought possible.
it's amazing really, how far i've come.
of course, i've still got a long ways to go.
but i'm beginning to love myself..
and i'm beginning to know who i am.
nobody ever said it'd be easy, but it's definitely worth it <3 p="">