i seriously have a bad case of the pms.
i am so ridiculously emotional...
and i've been eating chocolate like a freakin' vacuum.
this is seriously not good.

honestly, i'm over chuck.
we actually had a legitimate conversation a few weeks ago.
idk, i guess i thought we were talking again.
...or at least you know, on the road to actually being friends.
i was wrong though.
we had this great conversation, and we had made plans to go to jolly holiday lights.
i half expected him to bail on me, so i had other plans lined up just in case.
however, i didn't actually expect him to bail on me.
i figured i was just being a crazy girl, you know.
whatever.
anyways...the day we had plans comes around and i hadn't heard from him.
so i text him asking what time he wanted to meet up.
no reply.
a few hours later a text him again asking if we were still going.
i wish i could copy the screen shot to this.
because all that he said was "no".
no explanation, no apology, just "no" and that was it
i'd told myself i wasn't going to be upset if he bailed on me.
i thought i had prepared myself for it.
but unfortunately, i had gotten my hopes up.
silly silly girl.
i actually didn't know i had gotten my hopes up til he bailed.
which made it worse, of course.
i. was. pissed.
i barely wanted to respond to him..and had he said more to me about it at the time i would have flown off the handle.
no joke. i had it planned out what i was going to say to him, and it wasn't going to be nice.
i wanted to yell, badly.
i choose not to, which is too bad really because now i have pent up anger.
i waited two weeks and finally decided to text him.
just simply saying that i was confused, i thought we were talking again, and that i didn't know whether i had pissed him off or not. and also to check to see if he was alright.
he said he was quite alright and no, it was nothing i did.
and that was it...
he asked if i was alright, i said yes.
and that was that.
he hasn't talked to me since, i haven't wanted to talk to him.
it's over.
way over, and i am quite alright with that.
at this point, it isn't him that i'm in to...it's the idea of him.
whether what i felt was real or not at the time...it is something i miss.
especially with this god damn wave of emotions that is flooding through me right now.
i'm lonely, bored, and sad.
i had nothing to do this weekend.
i hung out with my friend quite a bit...
but then i would just have to come home and be alone.
and there really isn't much to do here.
i watched some netflix, i cleaned my room...and hung some stuff on the walls.
but that's about it. nothing much else to do except dick around on the internet.
it's very boring, and getting very lonely.
seeing other couples is killing me right now.
and i'm so happy for my best friend because she just had a baby, and i love that baby and i love her and her fiance (yeah! she just got engaged too!)...i just don't know if i'm jealous, or if i've just come to realization that i truly have no life, and about how lonely i am.
it hurts right now.
i feel so vulnerable.
and it's stupid.
i don't want to be breakable...
i don't want to be lonely, or worried about being alone forever.
normally i could care less.
but it's to the point where i care a lot, and i just want to be in love again.
i want a companion, i want a life.
i  need to make something happen...
i have yet to figure out what that is.
it will happen, sooner or later.
i just don't know what it is.
waiting and figuring out what to do is torture.
waiting and figuring out  love, is also torture.

there will come a time you'll see, with no more tears.
and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
get over your hill and see what you find there, 
with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair <3 b="">